Page 27 of First Comes Forever

“Fine,” Cici says, grabbing another cruller. “Let’s go.”

She sees me eyeing her cruller as she makes her way to the front door. “Oh, don’t get your panties in a wad. I’m going to finish it in the driveway. You’re so annoying with the no eating in your car rule.”

“I’m loaning you my Jag. Quit whining.”

six

Ping. Ping.

I groan.That awful sound.

I ignore my phone, staying firmly tucked under my covers in the fetal position. My cramps are unbearable today. But I’m really not allowed to complain. According to Dr. Michel, every period I get is a blessing. It means that while my window is closing, it’s not completely closed.Hope.These painful, aching cramps are hope.

Ping. Ping.Ping.

Ah, fuck. Now I’m up.

I rip off the covers. Back-to-back notifications like that can only mean one thing.

I swear once upon a time, social media was fun. Now I cringe and taste the scant hint of bile in my throat whenever those damn alerts start popping off.

I never used to keep my notifications for social media on. I’m fully aware of the benefits of detaching, but nowadays, I have to stay on top of the trolls. The more they comment, the fewer brands want to work with me, so it’s a ferocious game of report and block. Report and block. Over and over. It doesn’t resolve anything. I just move the target. It’s like a game of whack-a-mole… No.Whack-a-troll.

I laugh to myself, immediately missing my best friends from home. Addie, the youngest of our group and lover of terrible puns, would’ve peed her pants at “whack-a-troll.” We should be laughing together at the moment. I could be at home with my friends in Denver right now.

But I’m hiding because while I need them the most right now, they are also the ones who won’t believe I’m okay. And once they tug at the thread, I know I’ll unravel.

After dragging my phone off the nightstand, I glance at the comments on my latest TikTok makeup tutorial, which has jumped by a couple of hundred thousand views. Gamma Cosmetics paid me a sizeable amount to post a getting-ready video using only their new vegan beauty line. They sent me every product they make. The makeupfeelsnice. The blush and the eyeshadow glides well and the colors are gorgeous. But the truth? It smells like shit. Literally. It reeks of cow manure. I had to wash my face three times after the video to get rid of the lingering smell of soiled pasture.

I hold my breath as I scroll through the comments, waiting for the first one that’ll feel like a blunt knife straight through the gut.

Viral videos are my job security. And yet these days I cringe when the algorithm favors me. Because once you have visibility, that’s when the trolls start running their mouths. Creating content is easy. Posting it, however, has been about as enjoyable as a root canal. All these platforms are about visibility, reach, and connecting. But no one is prepared for what they’re actually connecting to.

Two years ago, I was on my soapbox, preaching to my struggling influencer friends to simply ignore the spiteful, hateful people. “Hurt people need to hurt other people,” I’d say. “It’s as simple as that. Don’t let the losers steal your shine. The majority of the world is inherently good.”

It’s becoming much harder these days to practice what I was once preaching.

I swipe up on the lengthy list of comments, all mostly tame so far. Someone asks how long I’ve been using Gamma’s products. What’s the diplomatic way to say, once and never again? I respond:I just started my Gamma journey. So far, so good. I’ll keep you posted!Another user asks me how the product smells. I’m sure Gamma would be pretty upset if they paid an influencer to say their product smells like cow shit, so I settle on:earthy.Someone complains about the price of quality makeup these days—that’s fair. I leave that comment but don’t respond. I continue scrolling and my heart rate calms. Okay, this is good. Neutral. Everything is fine and this is—

Oh, wait.

Niopette_04:Please stop making videos and go fall off the earth.

Niopette_04:You’re annoying and irrelevant and no one wants to buy makeup from you.

Niopette_04:You look like a hoar.

I let out a deep breath. Well, first things first, Niopette_04, you spelledwhorewrong. Also, what the hell kind of username is Niopette? And why is your user icon the Campbell’s Soup logo? And most importantly,why the fuck are you bothering me?

I didn’t do anything wrong. But here I go again, trying to quickly cover up the crime scene like I’m guilty.

Step one: delete comments.

Step two: block troll.

Step three: ignore feelings.

Bonus step four: hunt down some Pamprin.

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