Page 116 of First Comes Forever

I scoff. “Since when are you a gossip?”

She chuckles. “Fair point. But you’re doing better. I see it in your eyes and the way you genuinely laugh and smile at girls’ nights. You’re going to counseling and working on healing.You’re breathing again.I love to see it. I promised myself that’s all that matters—that you’re okay—but I can’t lie, I have questions. I was actually pretty hurt…”

“About what?” I ask, my voice small. “What questions?”

“Why you left us and didn’t tell anyone what you were going through. And now, why you left Adam and keep acting like it’s over. That kind of love is never over.”

I inhale, taking in a huge waft of Noa’s pineapple air freshener which is fastened to the vent. “I was scared,” I exhale out. “It was like going to sleep, then waking up and losing your entire identity. I’d worked so hard as an influencer and one day I just kept asking what the point was. Like an existential crisis I couldn’t shake off. I guess I went to L.A. looking for the old me. The old Amani would’ve loved Los Angeles. She’s the fun girl, the strong girl, the adventurous girl. She’s the one that belongs with our group.”

“Did you find her?” Noa asks. “The old you?”

I shake my head. “No. But I think I found the real me. And she is still very lost.”

“Me too,” Noa says.

“What?”

“I know you thought motherhood would help solidify your purpose, but I’m a mom. I’m still lost most days, too. I wake up some days and I’m sad. Even now that Chase and I are together, it doesn’t mean everything is perfect. Sometimes the day feels heavy and I fake smiles, too. You were never alone in that.”

“I’m sorry. I had no idea.” I tilt my head to the side, studying her profile. “I thought you were living out your happily ever after.”

“I am, but I don’t think happily ever afters are permanent. The curtain doesn’t close and life is bliss until you die. You have to work at it. Happiness grows with you. It changes as you change. And it can never be constant. How can you appreciate happiness if you don’t know sadness? The point is, we love youfor you, Amani. All your broken pieces and all the sad days. You don’t have to hide any version of yourself. And you never needed a baby to have a family. We’re right here. No one is requiring the best version of you. We’ll love you through every single rough patch.”

I could wipe away the tears before they fall, but I owe Noa this at least. My vulnerability. I cry in front of her so she knows I’m being real. It’s my silent promise that I won’t hide away again. I’ll trust my family to love me through the lows. And I’ll find a way to love myself through the lows, too.

“Thank you,” I whisper, lightly squeezing her elbow. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Mani.”

“Hey, Noa?”

“Yeah?” She glances in my direction again and lingers as long as she can before her eyes snap back to the road.

“That speech was really good. Eloquent, even.”

She smiles. “Thank you.”

“How long have you been rehearsing that?”

She exhales with a small chuckle. “Two months and three days, lady. I was just waiting for the right moment.”

thirty-three

Imay have made a mistake.

Amani didn’t believe me a year ago when I said Jess and I were only friends. I thought she was being adorably jealous. But now… I see it. Jess is most definitely hitting on me.

Her blouse is practically see-through, and she is most definitely not wearing a bra. I keep my eyes fixed forward as I take her through the condo.

“You already know the value of this place, and we’re friends, so I’m going to be blatant about the maintenance that needs to be done.”

Jess touches the side of my arm and I try not to flinch. “That’s really nice of you. Thank you, Adam. You’re a good guy.”

“Of course. Anything for afriend.” I subtly remind her why we’re here. She’s not doing anything wrong. She’s fully aware Amani moved back to Denver, and I’m no longer in a relationship.

“The patio door needs new weather stripping.” I point at the glass doors, then to the window next to it. “There are two slats broken on those blinds and the same thing in the bedroom. Sorry, my nephew is mischievous with blinds.”

“It’s really not a problem.” She smiles shyly as she tucks a few strands of blond behind her ear. “Everything is fine out here, but I’d love to see the master bedroom.”

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