Page 114 of First Comes Forever

“I’d say.”

“But your story…from what I hear anyway—”

Interrupting him with a grumble, I roll my eyes. “No need for charades. Addie told you everything, didn’t she?”

He rubs the back of his head and looks up, seeming to search his brain for an excuse. “I don’t want to get her in trouble.”

I laugh. “The minute Addie said yes to marrying you, you were officially adopted into our little circle. Safe space.”

He exhales in relief. “Okay, good. Well, she said you were wildly successful as an influencer but saw the ugly side of social media and it nearly broke you. I don’t know what motivated you to walk away, but I think you should talk about what you went through because there are a lot of young women and men struggling. I feel you’d know what to say.”

Would I?I’m still recovering. I got myself through the past couple of years by fixating on a baby, but when that didn’t work, I had to strip everything bare and get to know myself again. I’m still a work in progress, but in a great way. I know I’m getting closer to the best version of myself. It’s just this time, I don’t have the numbers to prove it. I have no followers, I’m running out of money, I’m going to be twenty-nine soon, and I’m starting over. But in the ways that matter most, I know I’m getting better.

It’s just impossible to measure that.

Although, maybe that’s the point?…

“Stop counting,” I say to Joel.

“What?”

“A slogan idea for your campaign. You know, we assign value to a human being based on nonsensical metrics. An influencer with millions of followers is valued more in society than a surgeon. How do you make sense of that? Someone who can make you money is more revered than someone who can save your life. We’re teaching kids right now to assign self-worth based on numbers of likes and followers. That leads to adults who continue to put their self-worth into numbers, like money.”

Joel holds up his finger. “Do you mind if I record this for notes?” He fishes out his phone, opens a recording app, then sets the phone on the table. “Okay, keep going.”

“I understand the appeal. Numbers are easy to analyze, andwe want easy. People love to make quick, brash judgments because it’s more convenient to hate someone based on a twenty-second reel than actually taking the time to understand them. We take out our shit on other people, especially when hiding behind a keyboard, because there are no consequences. Anger, toxicity, cheating, and trolling are all so easy. But being a good person is hard work. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is scary. Accepting help and offering it in return is the only way to make genuine connections that last. Money doesn’t buy happiness, just distractions. Love is the only currency that matters in this world. Everything else is noise. These are all the tough life lessons that none of us make time for because we’re still so focused on the numbers. If we can’t measure it, what’s the point? We’re so desperately trying to prove our superiority to each other, but for what? What do you actually win with more followers?”

“More lucrative partnership opportunities, I suppose,” Joel answers.

“Fair point. So tell me this, how much is Addie worth to you?”

“Everything,” Joel answers firmly.

“Give me a number.”

He shakes his head at me, running his hand through his dark hair. “You know I can’t do that. Adler is my whole heart. She’s worth my life. Actually, more than my life.”

“Then why are we trying to quantify our existence? We should just live and measure ourselves based on the quality of our relationships and how close to happiness we’re getting. You can’t measure that stuff in numbers. Sostop counting.”

“I really like that,” Joel says before hitting the stop record button on his phone. “Roland and I can get behind a concept like that. When can you start? And what do you think is a fair starting salary for a VP of a nonprofit division?”

“VP?” I ask, squinting at him like he’s crazy. “My only business experience is operating my influencer business. And that was really just setting a price sheet and staying on top of taxes. Don’t you want to interview me first, to see if I’m a good fit?”

Joel taps his phone. “That was your interview. I need Roland’s sign off, but especially after the‘Fit in with Filters’debacle, this idea is going to blow him away. He’ll want to meet you in person, though. Can you be in New York next week? We’ll cover travel costs, of course.”

I hold up my hand, staring into Joel’s wide, enthusiastic eyes. “New York? So you’re offering me the job?”

“That too, but I’m offering you an opportunity to do some good. This is a really important topic right now, Amani. We need more people talking about it. I think you could really make a difference. Just shake some hands, share your story. If it’s not a good fit, walk away. No harm, no foul. Normally, I’m a numbers guy. Returns and profit margin are my preferred language, but I think you’re right. For this, we need to stop counting.”

My smile feels big. A flicker of hope returns at the idea of purpose. It was the same hope I had when Adam offered to have a baby with me. A way to matter and feed good things into this world.

It’s not a baby…but a fresh start nonetheless.

“I can be in New York next week.”

There’s a squeal behind the door, then clapping. I laugh as Addie cracks the door and pokes her head through. “Told you,” she says to Joel. “I knew this would be perfect.”

“Ah, so this was your brainchild,” I say as Addie joins us on the couch, wedging herself between me and the armrest. There’s hardly enough room on this side, so she’s half sitting on my lap.

---