Page 110 of First Comes Forever

“I’m going to miss how you smell,” he says.

I smile against his pec. “I actually left you my shampoo.”

He chuckles. “Thank you. It won’t be quite the same, though.”

I melt into his hug, trying to savor it. The smell of his light cologne, which he swears he doesn’t wear. I’m not convinced. Soap and deodorant don’t smellthisgood. Adam only tries to pretend he’s not fancy. “Can I ask you a question?” I murmur.

“Of course,” he says before planting his lips on the top of my head. Yet another thing I’ll miss.

“You still love me?” I ask.

“So much.”

“Then why are you letting me go? Why aren’t you fighting for me?”

“Oh, summer girl,” he says in a somber tone. “I would, baby, but it’s not my fight.”

“What?”

“Come here,” he says, taking my hand and guiding me to the couch. He sits and pats the cushion next to me. I take a seat and he pivots, ensuring I’m looking into his eyes. “I’m not supporting all this because I want to. Amani, I want to lock you in a box and keep you forever. I want to fill all the gaps, keep you safe, keep you mine. But I’ve learned that’s the fastest way to break someone. It’s what my dad did to my mom.”

“What do you mean?” I run my hand over his athletic pants, enjoying the cool, slick feeling under my palm.

“My mom and I have been talking.”

“I know.”

“She never tried to justify why she left, but she explained. Her life was so wrapped up in taking care of my dad and his career, then Alex, and then me. Motherhood was so much of a distraction that she wasn’t taking care of herself. She didn’t have the time and space to think about what she needed. Her entire life was wrapped up in our identities. She described it as waking up every day and performing for the world. Put on a smile, only feel what’s convenient for others, only say what everyone wants to hear. I imagine that’s what your life has been like.”

I nod along. It’s like he’s reading my narrative. Although, Holly’s story is a bit more admirable. She got lost trying to keep her family happy. I got lost in pleasing the internet—which is an impossible task. I was always doomed to fail.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, okay?” Adam cringes as he looks at me, asking for permission to continue.

“Okay.”

“I wish the pregnancy had gone to term. I’ll forever wish we were going to be parents together. But at least now, you won’t get lost in a baby. And I don’t want you to get lost in me, either. I want you to find your happiness, Amani. Then maybe one day, you’ll come back to me. But right now, you need to go home and heal, and I need to give you the space to do that.”

I will not ask Adam to come with me. I already know his answer, and while I understand, I don’t want to hear the rejection.

“Well, thank you for loving me enough to let me go.”

“Thank you for loving me enough to admit you need to go.”

I push against his shoulder playfully. “I guess after today, you’re a free agent. Single and ready to mingle.” I’m trying to joke, but the words make me sick. Adam and I agreed it was best not to be together without actually being together. Long distance is a lot of painful longing that would probably lead to the same result, especially when I wasn’t sure what my next moves were. All I should focus on is getting help and feeling better. It made sense in my mind…just not in my heart.

“Just because I’m not with you doesn’t mean I won’t be thinking about you. I fully plan on being lonely for a long time.”

I smirk. “Would a few nudes here and there help?”

He laughs. “Definitely. Maybe put your piercing back in first.”

“You got it, summer guy.” I run my hand against his hard abs. “I mean, there might be a little time for one more sexy sendoff?” It’s a half-hearted offer. Sex changed for us. Between the miscarriage and my growing depression, physical intimacy wasn’t at the forefront of either of our minds.

He flashes me a quick smile, but it’s gone as quickly as it came. “We don’t want you to miss your flight.” But I know what he’s really saying. If we’re going to let go…

We need to let go.

thirty-two

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