Page 89 of Sideline Play

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“Okay, baby, we’ll wait,” I soothe, lowering to the floor with her, my knees up and around her, cocooning her in my embrace as the delayed pregame show hums in the background.

Lips to the crown of her head, my eyes squeeze shut against the trickle of hope that warms in my chest. For all our indulgence and play, we agreed now wasn’t the time to have a baby. But try telling that to my selfish heart. The damn thing is fighting like hell to hold on to the possibility while my mind puts up a valiant but failing effort in squashing it.

THIRTY-NINE

SCARLET

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I’m momentarilydisoriented when I wake up. It’s not a dream or sudden thought that has me stirring. Rather a feeling. A subconscious realization that I’m alone. And based on the cold, pristine condition of Remington’s side of the bed, I have been all night.

I should go find him. But if I get up, then it’s real. And things being real means we have to get answers and deal with their fallout. Not knowing makes me anxious but the potential for disappointment is too great to manage right now.

A part of me tries to reason that if I get up, I can get answers. That I may not have anything to potentially be disappointed over if I can bring myself to check the lot number and see if my batch is one of the ones under recall. Looking at Remington’s empty side of the bed, however, I already know the answer to that question. If mine weren’t a match to the ones being recalled then he would be here. Which leaves me with the question of what now?

Naturally I could and should take a test. If I pee on a stick, we’ll know within a handful of minutes.

But…

My mind doesn’t seem to want to go down the road ofbut. Just thinking it has my palms sweaty and my heart working a little harder. Indecision over which outcome I would favor more is at the forefront of my mind, while in the back, softly, almost unheard, an answer is given.

But…

No. I’m going to stop right here. There’s no reason for me to go forward and analyze what I want just yet. Until I have the bandwidth to accept either outcome, I’m staying here in this bed.

Ignorance is bliss after all.

Resolute in my decision to put it off, I box up last night and shove it into a semi-forgotten corner of my mind. It’s not a long term solution, but for the time being, it’s what I need. That, and a mindless distraction.

Reaching for my nightstand, I find my phone on the charging dock and can’t help but smile even when I see the godforsaken time of night. Despite needing his own pause on being present for me and us, Remington is still taking care of me, one small act of service at a time. And for a fleeting moment, the box opens again because this is the man I love. The one who charges my phone and runs its updates because Ineverdo. The one who makes me coffee every morning and keeps my car’s gas tank filled. The one who is always so steady and sure, my anchor and support.

This is Remington, my husband, my partner, my best friend, and the future father of my children… of my child… of a baby I could be…

Hand coming to rest low on my stomach, I allow myself one minute, sixty seconds, to think of this possibility.

There is no racing heart, no sweaty palms. There isn’t any panic or swirling, obsessive thoughts. There’s just… peace. Contentment. Hope. Longing.

I can’t help but think that it might not be so bad because it’s him. It’s him and it’s me and it’s us. It may not be what we planned but neither was falling in love the way we did.

When the minute rolls over on my phone, I keep my promise to myself to rebox my thoughts, this time sealing it a little bit tighter and pushing it just a little further back. If only because I don’t want that possibility tainted by thinking about what I’m realizing is the outcome I don’t want.