Page 59 of Somebody To Love

A vice gripped his chest, squeezing every drop of air out of him. How could she stand there casually talking about love and life and risk? Didn’t she realize the pain of losing something like that? What was the point of loving someone if it could all be taken away in the blink of an eye, leaving you a shell of your former self? Wasn’t it better to keep things easy, light? What was wrong with playing it safe in love?

“Think about it.”

Going up on her toes, she placed a soft kiss on his cheek and then moved past him back into the restaurant. Leaving him with the words he’d given her only a few weeks ago. But then, he’d been talking about adding a physical aspect to their friendship. She was asking him to crack open his chest and bare his heart to her and fate. Fate was a fickle bitch. How could he risk that? How could Penny?

He stood there in the rapidly chilling night air, nothing but the sound of rushing creek water and the hoot of an owl in the distance. The jovial laughter of the patrons inside dimly hit his ears as the door swung closed behind her.

The party went on. People were laughing, eating, enjoying the company of their friends and family. The earth still turned on its axis. Life hadn’t come screeching to a sudden halt. How could that be? It didn’t seem right for the earth to keep on turning when his world had just been flipped on its head.

CHAPTER 25

Penny walked down the hallway, one foot in front of the other. Amazing how her legs could still work when she was certain her heart had stopped beating. The joyful sounds of laughter drifted in from the restaurant as she continued to walk down the dimly lit hall. Halfway down, she veered to the right and ducked into the bathroom.

She made her way to the sinks. One sink really. A long rectangular hole with three spouts above set to motion sensors. She waved a hand in front of the middle spout, watching as water rushed out of the silver metal. Dipping her fingers in the flow, she felt the liquid cover her hand. Warm liquid covered her cheeks as well, but that wasn’t from any man-made contraption.

It was a man caused one.

Sucking in a sharp breath, she reminded herself she’d done the right thing. It would have been cruel and unfair to both of them if Penny had kept silent about her feelings. BJ needed to know she loved him. It wouldn’t have been right to keep it from him. It would have destroyed her to hide it. And bringing a child into the world under false pretenses like that wouldn’t have been fair to them, either.

“I did the right thing,” she whispered to the rushing water.

Then why did it feel like she’d ruined everything?

Removing her hand from the stream, the spout turned off. Glancing up into the mirror, she took in her tear-streaked face. The waterproof mascara her sister had suggested lived up to its name. The eyeliner, however, did not.

Grabbing a tissue from the counter, she dabbed under her eyes, removing the evidence of her greatest bravery and biggest regret.

No. Not regret.

She would never regret telling Bravo she loved him. Her chest ached to shout it to the rooftops. Let everyone in the world know how wonderful this man was. But she feared in revealing her true feelings she’d lost her best friend. Having sex was one thing, revealing your true feelings—and not having them be reciprocated—was completely different. The power balance was off now.

Would he always be uncomfortable around her? Wonder if her motives were fueled by friendship or…love?

She’d been sure he’d say it back. Or maybe she’d been hoping he’d say it back. Truthfully, she knew dropping the L word on BJ was a risky move. His actions spoke of love, but the man himself was still too afraid to say it. How did she combat years of stubborn fear?

A shaky sigh left her.

She couldn’t.

All she could do was tell him the truth and leave the ball in his court. Which she’d done. Now she had the unfortunate position of waiting for her best friend to come to his senses.

“But when will that be?” she asked her reflection.

Doubt and worry stared back at her from her own eyes. The ‘what ifs’ plaguing her mind.

What if BJ never got over his fear?

What if…he didn’t love her?

What if she’d been wrong about everything and he just enjoyed playing her protector?

Insidious doubts crept into her mind. Every interaction they’d ever had played over in her memories as she tried to pick apart the meaning. She often got social cues wrong. It was common, being autistic, that she misinterpreted situations and people's actions. Had she mistaken everything between her and BJ? Their decades of friendship?

No.

She clutched at her chest as the heart she thought had stopped working pumped in overtime. Anxiety riding high, she closed her eyes and took three deep breaths. She was panicking. Rightfully so, considering she might have just imploded her one and only friendship. But she also knew, deep down, that her friendship with BJ was not and never had been a lie. He did care for her. It hadn’t been fake.

“But I might have destroyed it,” she whispered, her voice cracking as another tear slipped free.

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