Page 92 of Perfect Imperfections

At first, I just figured I’d say fuck the world and stay in my drug-induced euphoria forever, but then I realized that wasn’t what I truly wanted. I wanted to be happy. I wanted a relationship with my daughter. I knew I already screwed up too badly for you to take me back, but I wanted Charlotte in my life. Even if it was only part time.

He didn’t know if he would have given Claire a second chance had she sobered up and come back. Honestly, by the end of their marriage they were so distant, so broken, he didn’t know if it could have been repaired. Now he never would.

I tried to get better. Had a few slips up. But I’ve been doing well for the past year and a half. I promised myself if I made it to three years without falling off the wagon, I’d come back and ask for forgiveness. Maybe try to be the mother Charlotte deserves.

Of course, if you’re reading this, it means I failed. Again. Big time.

She hadn’t failed. Claire had experienced a common accident that could have happened to anyone, sober or not. One more year. She could have made it one more year. He didn’t know how he knew that, but deep in his soul, he believed she would have succeeded in her sobriety.

I wrote a letter to Charlotte explaining things as best as I could. If you could give it to her when she’d ready, I would appreciate it. And please tell her mommy loved her and thought of her every single day. I never stopped being her mother, even when I wasn’t there. I hope you can both come to forgive me, and I hope you find someone who makes you happy. Someone who you can be open and honest with, who loves without fear and will be a wonderful mother to Charlotte.

See you on the other side,

Claire

The edge of the paper crumpled slightly in his tight grip. A million thoughts raced through his mind at everything Claire had revealed. It took a moment for him to realize the warmth on his face was tears pouring down his cheeks. He sniffed, wiping away the moisture with the back of his hand. Claire had dropped a lot on him, including a very real, heartfelt apology. The anger he’d held for so many years for abandoning their daughter was still there, but muted, fading with the realization that she’d only done what she thought was best.

No one was perfect. He certainly wasn’t. Eerie discovering how similarly they dealt with their problems, but then again, maybe that’s why they got together. Like attracted like, but sometimes you didn’t need a person who was your exact match. You couldn’t fit two of the same pieces together. You needed to find someone who would complement your puzzle piece. Someone whose strengths compensated for your weaknesses, someone who smoothed out your rough edges, someone who filled in your holes with their love.

Someone like Ellie.

Yes. He loved Ellie. Loved her with a deep-seated fierceness he never imagined possible. He’d been afraid to reveal his weakness to her, afraid to ask for her help because he was too accustomed to being the fixer. Afraid he was bad for her would fail her like he failed Claire. But it turned out he and Claire failed each other. They hadn’t even tried to be better. They’d just run away from their problems instead of opening up and facing them. Helping each other.

He didn’t want to make that same mistake again.

“Daddy? What’s wrong?”

He turned to see Charlotte had come back into the room, the sleeves of her shirt drenching wet because she’d most likely played in the sink again as she washed up. A small laugh escaped him, seeing the joy in her playful exploration instead of the annoyance he usually felt at her mess.

“Nothing, Angel. I just…I’m a little happy and a little sad.”

Her tiny nose scrunched up in confusion. “How can you be happy and sad at the same time?”

Knowing he’d have to answer that, and a lot of other tricky questions throughout her life, he crouched down in front of her, giving her a big smile.

“Hey, how would you like to help me with a surprise for Ellie tomorrow?”

Green eyes lit up. “Oh yes! I can help. We haven’t seen Ellie in like forever.”

Felt that way to him, too.

“Okay, good. Let’s have dinner and talk about the super-secret surprise for Ellie.”

An idea was slowly coming together in his head. An apology, a real one this time, an honest explanation, and a promise. He had so many promises he wanted to give Ellie. The woman saved his daughter. She’d created a place in his heart and their lives for her. An Ellie place. He just hoped there was a Sullivan and Charlotte place in hers.

CHAPTER 33

So this is what heartbreak feels like.

Ellie stood by the large sink in the back room of the aviary building, scrubbing out the end of day feed buckets. She was alone in the room, except for Bill, the parrot who had a nasty cold and was currently quarantined in a nice cage for his and the other birds’ safety. Since the sweet, sick bird wasn’t much of a conversationalist, it gave Ellie plenty of time to think. Unfortunately, all her thoughts lately revolved around Sullivan and how he was doing and how desperately she wanted to call and check up on him and Charlotte.

But she couldn’t do that because the insufferable man broke up with her, claiming he was doing what was best for her. Why did people always say they were doing something for others when the truth of the matter was, they were just scared. She knew Sullivan was scared, terrified even. She’d seen it in his eyes. He’d had to deal with a lot lately. Things she would never understand, but dammit, she could help him if he’d just let her. That’s what people in relationships do.

But you’re not in a relationship. Not anymore. Because you ruined it.

She clenched her jaw, closing her eyes to take a few deep calming breaths and block out the dark voice.

She’d scheduled an emergency session with Dr. Mitchell because her anxiety had worsened. Her OCD reacting to the stress. Her rituals were getting longer, more involved. Monday, she was ten minutes late to work because she’d had to check every appliance in her apartment and unplug them, so nothing caught fire and burned her place down while she was away. That was the moment she knew it was time to get professional help.

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