Page 35 of Before the Fall

“Sure.” She takes me by the hand and carefully leads me to a door near the kitchen. “Do you want me to come with you? You don’t look okay.”

“No. Yes. I’m not sure. I just need to get some fresh air,” I answer as I hurry toward that door that signals freedom, although I’m not sure what I want to be free from at the moment.

I barely get outside before the tears come fast and furious, and I can’t stop them. I’m not even sure what I’m crying about. Getting shot? Thinking Jaxon was dead? Seeing him looking like someone took a baseball bat to his face? Or is it something small like that terrible, purple and black bruise on his abdomen I can’t stop thinking about.

Maybe it’s all of that, but mostly, I think I’m crying because if his uncle had never decided my father and then I needed to be dead, Jaxon would still just be a memory in my life. I wouldn’t know there never was another woman. I wouldn’t know how much he missed me.

I’d just be the person who missed him and wondered why he didn’t love me enough to stay. But would that be any better than who I am now? Yes, I’d be safe, but would I be happier?

I walk around the estate until I find a bench near a garden where I can sit down. Part of me is so tired. That’s probably because I was shot and then in a car accident. But another part of me wants to run far away from here. I want to run until no one can find me.

Even Jaxon.

Guilt fills me at that thought. I love him. I accepted what he does for a living because I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

And then he left me, and for a year, I was miserable. I missed him more than I ever thought it was possible to miss anyone. Every night, I wished he’d come back to me and say he loved me like I loved him.

What is wrong with me now? I got all I wanted, yet all I can think of is disappearing from this world of his.

I see Kaia walking toward me and wonder if maybe she can explain what I’m feeling. She seems to understand things, and right now, I need someone to tell me what the hell is wrong with me and what I should do because I’m so confused.

“Can I sit down with you? I don’t want to intrude if you want to be alone,” she says in that sweet way that I love right now.

Nodding, I shift over to the other side of the black metal bench. “Sure. If you have a minute, I’d like to ask you something.”

She smiles like that makes her happy. “Absolutely!”

I try to gather my thoughts, but they’re all over the place and not making much sense. I just need to say what’s on my mind, and if it sounds crazy, I hope she’ll be as understanding as I think she is.

Finally, I turn my body so I’m facing her and say, “I think there’s something wrong with me, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can live in this world, Kaia.”

She nods, and I think she knows exactly what I’m going through. Her gaze softens, and she touches my arm in that sympathetic way a mother does when one of her kids is upset or sad.

“Oh, honey, this world is hard on us. Don’t blame yourself. You’re thinking just what I’ve thought many times. I fell in love with Ryker, but I was in no way prepared for what it would be like to be married to him and completely immersed in this world he and his family live in.”

I’m stunned by her words. “Really? You two seem so good together. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s like you fit in with him fine. When I think of Jaxon and me, I stick out like a sore thumb, like I’m something wrong in his world.”

“Why do you think that?”

Looking away, I finally say the thing I know is the problem. “He was talking about killing his uncle a few minutes ago, and it all sounded so casual and normal the way he was saying it.”

I turn back to face her and continue. “I can’t think of killing someone like that. I’m not sure I ever will be able to, and if I can’t, then how can he and I be together? This is who he is, and I don’t know if I can accept it now that I’ve seen it up close and personal.”

She nods and gives me a tiny smile. “Oh, that. Yeah, I’m still not comfortable with that part of Ryker’s world. He has to decide what he wants to do with his brother, and for what it’s worth, he hasn’t been able to bring himself to order the hit on Victor. I know it looks like these men don’t view life like we do, but I think they simply see a different side to the situation.”

“What side is that? Because all I’m seeing is someone dead.”

“Think of it this way. Why would Jaxon want Victor killed? It’s because of you. He knows those people who came after you two at the house and then rammed your car so you had that accident were sent by his uncle. To Jaxon, someone—and it doesn’t matter if it’s family or not—hurt you. For that, they have to pay.”

I cover my face with my hands and wish she didn’t say that. “I can’t be responsible for someone’s death, Kaia. It’s just not something I can do.”

“Oh, honey. It’s not your fault if Victor dies. Trust me. If you knew what he’s done throughout his life, you’d understand he’s lucky he’s made it this far.”

My heart clenches at the way she says that, and I look at her when I ask, “But wouldn’t someone be able to say that about Ryker or Jaxon? We wouldn’t agree with that because we love them, but would they be wrong?”

My question seems to surprise her, and for a few moments, she doesn’t say anything. Then, she takes my hand in hers and gives it a tiny squeeze like my mother always does when she knows I’m upset.

“Say that’s true. Okay, maybe they aren’t saints. Maybe they’re the worst kind of sinner. Don’t they deserve love like anyone else? I don’t have to approve of everything my husband thinks or says or does in this world. I just have to believe he’s a good man when it comes to me and our son.”

---