Page 23 of Ruthless Touch

I close my eyes and take a deep breath into my lungs. Letting it out slowly, I lift her off me and set her on her feet. “Get dressed.”

When I look up at her again, her expression is pure hurt. Seeing her like this makes my chest ache, but I can’t change what’s happened.

Quickly, I straighten myself and stand up from the white bench I intentionally positioned here so I could watch her this morning. Why didn’t I just stick to that plan? I know what I’m like. I knew if I came up here and actually fucked her that it wouldn’t go well.

“Phillip will take you back upstairs,” I say as I begin walking toward the door.

Behind me, I hear her begin to cry. I’m sorry. I wish I wasn’t the man I am. You have no idea how much I wish I could be something different than what I am.

After an elevator ride that gave me all the time I needed to hate myself, I walk across the lobby and hope I don’t have to deal with Sasha right now. I just want to be alone. No Aria and her disappointment that I’m not the kind of man she wants. No Sasha demanding I do something for this goddamned hotel. No anyone insisting I be exactly what they want at just this moment.

Just me alone with my regrets.

The moment I open my office door, I see that won’t be happening. Sasha stands behind my desk watching my laptop, as I guessed she would.

“Well, that went swimmingly, don’t you think?” she says with a devilish smile.

“Unless you have something that needs to be attended to in the next thirty seconds, you can go, Sasha. I have things to do,” I say as I make my way to my chair.

All I have to do is keep busy and I won’t think about Aria and how sad she looked as I left the gallery. Like every other time I couldn’t forget, all it will take is work to make me feel better.

But Sasha doesn’t move as I sit down behind my desk. Still watching my laptop screen and the feed from the camera in the gallery, she sighs, and I can’t stop myself from looking. Aria sits on that white tufted bench dressed in that blue dress with the yellow flowers and staring at the Modigliani she doesn’t like.

I slam my laptop shut and glare up at Sasha. “Didn’t you hear me? Go!”

“Gideon, it’s no crime to be who you are. Why don’t you just tell her? She’ll understand. She’s crazy about you, you know. I’m sure if you explained yourself that she’d be thrilled to see it isn’t her, because that’s what she’s thinking right now.”

My head begins to pound with every word that comes out of my assistant’s mouth. She acts like it’s so easy. Just explain yourself. Tell her you can’t let go of the past and she’ll be fine with it.

“Oh yeah? Tell me, Sasha, how would you feel if a man you wanted told you what’s stopping him is something long gone?”

A slow smile lifts the corners of her mouth, and she answers, “I would feel better knowing that it wasn’t me. So you can’t forget your past? Maybe Aria can make you forget.”

“Just go. This isn’t helping.”

I hang my head and silently wish I wasn’t like this. It’s been long enough. I shouldn’t feel anything for my past anymore. Aria is right here. Even though I’ve kept her in my penthouse for weeks, never touching her and barely speaking to her, she still was willing in the gallery. I should take the chance like anyone else would.

“Listen to me, Gideon. She doesn’t have a clue that you aren’t like every other man she’s ever met. She thinks you don’t care about her. She thinks you don’t find her attractive. The other night I told her she just needed to be patient with you when she asked me why you don’t touch her even though she sleeps next to you each night. It’s okay to not be able to let go of the past completely. Tell her what’s going on. All she wants to know is you want her. You do, don’t you?”

I spin around in my chair and face her as my headache grows exponentially worse. “Stop acting like all I have to do is tell her I’m fucked up and everything will be fine. There’s a fucking reason I’m alone. Don’t you get it? I can’t just explain the shit that happens when someone gets close to me and think she’ll fall into my arms afterward. Why would she? Aria wants a man to love her. The best I can do is adore her from afar because I’m fucked up.”

Sasha’s smile fades until she looks as sad as Aria did when I left her a few minutes ago. “Then you should let her go. It’s not fair to her that you know what’s going on with you and you refuse to tell her about it. I think you’re wrong, though. I think she’d be fine if you told her. I mean, Jesus Christ, Gideon. Look at the guy she was with before you. If she can be fine with that troll, she’d be over the moon to be with a man like you.”

“A man like me. I can’t tell you how much I wish I was more like that troll than myself,” I say quietly, hating how true those words are.

My assistant touches my shoulder in a rare act of kindness for her and quietly says, “It’s not a crime to not be able to forget how much you loved someone once. Tell her what’s going on with you. She’ll understand, Gideon. It’s not like you can’t give her what she wants. You can make her the happiest woman in the world. She just needs to see that the happiness you offer is slightly different than what other men can give her.”

If only it was that easy.

CHAPTER NINE

Gideon

By the time I got back to the penthouse last night, Aria was sound asleep on her side of the bed. Then when I woke up this morning, she was out on the terrace staring out at the water. I thought about talking to her, but Sasha has it all wrong. It isn’t just a matter of explaining about what I can’t seem to forget. I’m fucked up. I always have been. It’s not going to be enough to explain that and expect her to be fine with it.

So now I’m back at my office in one of the few places I can relax lately. How messed up is that? A man who can only be comfortable at the one spot in the world he never wanted to be in the first place.

Christ, I really am fucked up.

---