Page 96 of Holding The Reins

Nash grits his teeth, his jaw is so tight he looks like he might burst a tendon.

“Everything you do is my concern, CeCe. I can’t keep you safe if I’m not there.”

“I’m sorry, but this isn’t your choice. It’s not negotiable. Andrew is an asshole but he’d never physically hurt me. In fact, he’s actually being nice. Weirdly nice.” I’m rambling. Get to the point, CeCe. “I’m going alone. I will handle it, and I’ll be back before you know it.”

His nostrils flare and I see it—the moment he emotionally shuts down. The icy wall goes back up and the energy in the room shifts.

“I’m late, so I’ll see ya later,” he says.

I nod because if there’s one thing I won’t do, it’s chase Nash Carter. The way he’s fired up right now, I know he cares about me, he just can’t or won’t say it. This is long past ‘just sex.’ We both know it, but he’s been adamant about his stance on dating and relationships since the beginning and I’m not going to be the one to try to change him.

If Nash wants to have a say in what I do, he can tell me what he wants from me and how he feels about me.

I spent eight years chasing a man. And I won’t ever do that again.

I’m mentally cursing the whole way to the barn. For the first time since this ‘just one night’ thing began, I’m fucking pissed at CeCe. I want to go with her, no… a better way to put it would be I need to go with her.

The thought of Andrew anywhere near her without me there makes me fucking crazy.

None of this makes sense. He doesn’t tell her about the sale until it’s over, gives her no say in the sale price and tells her she has to come all the way to Seattle? Hello? DocuSign?

I grit my teeth. This is why I don’t do relationships. This bullshit is the last thing I need. What if something happens to her while she’s gone? I also can’t stop thinking about Wade’s words from weeks ago, that maybe she’d go back to Andrew because he wants to offer her what she thinks I wouldn’t. Marriage, babies, family life. The happily ever after.

I ask myself every second of every day what I’m doing with CeCe. I’ve gone over this in my head a thousand times, as I bury myself inside her every night and feel like it’s the second coming of Christ. As I watch her sleep soundly beside me or when I cook with her in my kitchen and her hair on her head in a big messy bun, tasting sauce off the spoon. Or when she’s arguing with me over sports or music, the look in her eyes when she’s passionate about something and she lights right up like those little fireflies on my land. Even when I sit and watch baseball and she works at my dining room table, looking adorable as fuck in her pajamas and glasses. I find myself wondering shit I never thought I would, like what it would be like if her birth control failed and I got to be the lucky bastard that watched her belly swell with my growing child.

And then, I picture losing it all, and it fucking terrifies me. There’s no doubt that CeCe Ashby has broken every rule I’ve ever put in place. She’s tearing down every bit of my defensive wall, brick by brick, and I am a fucking mess trying to hold it up.

“You look like you’re chewing fire, not readying yourself to teach a bunch of seven year olds,” Wade comments as I enter the barn.

I look up and straighten myself out. “Yeah, I’m fine, just a busy morning.”

“Thanks for doing this. Molly really isn’t feeling well. You’re only on the hook till noon. I gotta ride the adult trails class, so I’ll see ya after and we’ll grab some food?”

I nod and clap Wade on the back, and for the first time in weeks I feel like shit for going behind his back with CeCe. And for an insane moment, I almost tell him, but I don’t. I just put on a fake grin and say, “Sounds good, brother.” Then I head out to meet the rowdy group waiting to ride in the barn.

Tell me this is where I get my senses back?

Liv

Depends, how long has it been since you’ve seen his dick?

I’m serious.

Liv

So am I. This is just sex, right? You keep saying it, I wonder when you’re gonna realize that’s all a pile of bullshit.

Idon’t answer because I know she’s right.

Liv

He doesn’t have any real feelings for you? Which is why you two spend your days playing house? Because of sex, CeCe? You have to have the talk with him.

Ginger

I think there’s more to Nash than meets the eye. I want to remind you that his family was killed in front of him. That fucks a person up. You’re not dealing with someone able to spell out his emotions so easily. You need to come to the realization you either have to accept things the way they are, which seem pretty fucking great, or be strong enough for the both of you to admit what we already know.

Which is? And that was the longest text you’ve ever sent by the way.

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