Page 57 of Holding The Reins

I eye her curiously, wondering what she could possibly think I’ve hidden from her.

“My mom, our ranch, are you helping us? Financially?”

I rub my jaw as I contemplate her question, Jo didn’t want anyone to know. She told Wade only because there is no way to hide it from him.

I scrub my face with my hand and huff out a breath. I’m not about to lie to CeCe if she’s figured it out. But I owe her the whole story.

“When I was nineteen, I came home on the anniversary of my parents’ death. It was after the last derby—I didn’t have enough to keep myself busy and U of K hockey was over for the season. I couldn’t get the demons out of my head. I just needed to numb it. I brought a bottle of bourbon into the north pasture. You found me there. Do you remember that night?”

CeCe nods. “Yes, I was twelve? You told me to go away but I didn’t, I sat with you. I was worried. You said you were a mess sometimes and I wouldn’t understand. I was too young. It was a grown up problem.”

I blink and say nothing because I can’t believe she remembered word for word what I said to her.

“You sat there with me for a while and we listened to Kenny Chesney on my iPod. You prattled on about Shania and your friends at school, and it made me forget what I was going through for a little while. I was grateful for your pre-teen rambling that night.”

“I knew I couldn’t help you but I didn’t want to leave you alone. You felt almost like my big brother back then,” she says, lost in the memory.

“Cole came and sat with us, then after a bit, he sent you back to the house. He tried to get me to stay but I wouldn’t listen to him, so I left. You guys went home.”

I sigh, because this part is the hardest to admit.

“I drove, I shouldn’t have. I knew it when I turned the key. Of all things to try and do after how they died? I live with that idiotic decision every day. I didn’t make it far. I thought I saw something in the road. I swerved to avoid the ditch but not before I took out two county signs and hit Mr. Saulito’s fence. I took part of it out and ended up on his lawn. Your mom and dad came flying up behind me, Cole had told them I left. Your dad took one look at what happened and forced me to get in the car with your mom. She brought me back here and your dad took the wrap for all of it. Said it was him driving my dad’s old truck to the store in town because it was blocking his and that a deer ran into the road. He paid the damages to Mr. Saulito, met with the cops and took responsibility for the signs. If he would’ve left me to deal with it on my own, I would’ve been charged with an underage DUI and property damage. It would’ve ruined me and my upcoming hockey career. We came back to the ranch and they stayed up with me into the night. They told me it was my one get out of jail free card, but that it was time to grow up and get help.”

“I remember waking up the next morning and dad telling me he was in an accident.” She looks shocked and a giant tear spills over her cheek. She’s realizing all over again what kind of man her father was.

“The rest is history you know, until two years ago when your mom called me. Your dad’s medical bills were out of this world, just his surgery alone was almost two-hundred-thousand dollars. They needed help but she didn’t ask, she was just venting. I just contacted the medical unit and paid the bill myself and every bill after that.”

“I had no idea,” she says as she wipes her tears away and sniffs. “The experimental treatment?

“Yes.”

“The doctors said that gave us two more months with him. That was you?”

“Yes. I’ve also been helping her stay on her feet for the last year. It’s been hard as you know since your dad…”

She buries her face in her hands.

“I don’t know as much as you did, apparently. I should’ve been here.”

“Don’t do that. She knew I could afford it, CeCe, and she never wanted to burden you. She didn’t want you to know she was struggling. You were in Seattle, you had a life there. She knew that if she said she needed you, you would put her first.”

“I know you and my dad were close, but I didn’t realize how close.”

“He got me into more therapy after the night of the accident, to try to deal with everything. Because even though I was living under their roof, he didn’t realize how much I was still suffering. He gave me more work here. They came to every single one of my games and brought you, Cole, and Wade. He told me everything in life is a choice. I could either let it pull me or I could take the reins and hold them tight,” I repeat his words. “Your future is yours and you can direct that horse any way you choose.”

“I miss him so much,” CeCe says, her tears now dry, she pushes her hair off her shoulder.

“So do I.”

We sit for a beat in silence, sipping our respective coffees.

“My life could’ve gone down a completely different path if it hadn’t been for him. I’ll never, ever forget that.”

“Do you know, the only two times I’ve sat at a table with you in the last month in the morning, you’ve had me crying?” CeCe’s eyes are still glassy but she’s laughing now.

“Next time no tears,” I say. “Promise.”

“I think I’m just extra sappy because maybe you’ve fucked all my sense out of me.” She smirks.

---