Page 99 of Holding The Reins

“Mabel loves him,” I offer, trying not to get too personal.

“CeCe Rae Ashby,” Mama says. “Look at me.”

“What, Mama?” I ask, turning to her.

She gives me her smug all-knowing grin. “The boys may not notice it, but I do. You’re with him every moment you aren’t here, aren’t you?”

I can’t lie to most people but I especially can’t lie to my observant Mama, plus I need her advice.

I sigh and go right to the heart of it. “God dammit, I think I love him, Mama. And I have no fucking clue what to do about it.”

“I know, baby.” She pats my hand gently.

“Do you just know everything?”

“Mostly, yes.” Mama grins and her eyes crinkle in the corners. “Well what do you think you should do about it?” she asks

“Nothing.”

“The hell you mean nothin’?” she asks, her big eyes somehow even bigger.

“He doesn’t do relationships. I was just so attracted to him, it was supposed to just be a fling, which is why we’ve been sneaking around here like ninjas in the night. I didn’t expect to feel… whatever this is.”

I watch him joke around with the kids, and although I’m still kind of mad for acting the way he did this morning, there’s no doubt in my mind that I still want him with everything in me.

Mama sighs and watches Nash. “Well, the handsome ones always are the easiest to fall in love with, and you’d have to be dead to not notice that boy. He’s a looker.”

“Yeah, it’s really irritating,” I bark out, and she laughs.

A few minutes pass before she asks, “Has he told you he doesn’t want a future with you?”

“In no uncertain terms, yes. When I got home—”

“That was almost two months ago. I mean… have you asked him now?”

“Well, no.”

Even I know it’s crazy that we’ve been going on like this for this long without talking about it but I’m just so afraid that any talk about commitment of something real will end it and I don’t want this to end, I’m not ready.

She’s quiet for a moment. “He’s one to tread carefully with. We’re all he has, we’re all he’s had for a long time. You always have us to fall back on. Imagine the fear in his mind, whether he admits it or not, at the possibility of things going wrong with you, like Wade or Cole’s relationships. He probably thinks he’d lose everything. All of us.”

“You guys would never abandon him, no matter what happens with us.”

“We know that, but maybe he doesn’t.” Mama turns to me, matter-of-factly. “Go to Seattle, time has a way of working these things out, baby. You know I waited four months for your daddy to admit his feelings for me? He knew it after our first date, I’m sure. But I had to wait patiently for him to come to terms with it. It took me going to Nana Dot’s in Tennessee for two weeks the summer of my senior year for him to admit he missed me and didn’t want to live without me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If he’s worth it, your patience is all you can give him.”

“Well, I won’t chase another man, I spent too long chasing after Andrew’s affection and that got me nowhere.”

She wraps her arm around me and gives me a big squeeze. “Something tells me you won’t have to chase anyone, darlin’. You’ll see.”

“Auntie! I’m jogging,” Mabel calls out to me from the arena as she bounds steadily on her horse Cosmic.

“I see you, baby. I’m so proud of you!” I call back, as Nash turns and registers that I’m standing here.

Ican be frustrated with CeCe and still notice how incredible she looks standing there in the breeze in that pretty little white dress and fucking turquoise cowboy boots.

I put my head down and get back to work, doing my best to pretend she isn’t invading my headspace. I get through the two classes I have and then I do something different than I have in five weeks. I get in my truck and drive home. Alone. I just need the time to sort this out. I’m so fucked up over her.

I keep busy all day—I head over to the bar, I work my ass off there, and I meet Rocco for an evening fishing session. This was my life before her, and when this all goes to shit with her, it’s what I’ll go back to.

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