Page 32 of Music City Diaries

Slipping my hand down, I dipped my fingers into my panties, touching my clit. I moaned at the touch, forgetting where I was. I watched him as he pulled himself free, and I sucked in a breath at his length. My fingers dipped into my core, my juices coating me as I found myself climbing toward a release I didn’t think was possible.

“Oh, shit,” I said. “That’s hot.”

“Hearing you say that makes me want to blow. You’re one to talk, Rose. I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. Watching you is the best experience of my life.”

“You’re a sweet talker, Cowboy. I’m close. Cum with me.”

I sped up, plunging deep as I rode my own fingers. I was surprised at myself for being able to do this, but it felt safe. I was in control here, and I did trust Cowboy to some degree. He let me lead the session, choosing to do what I was comfortable with, and didn’t make me feel like I owed him anything. Even if he was paying me. It did wonders for my healing.

Crying out, I tightened around my fingers as I came. I was barely able to keep my eyes open as I watched him come, his release squirting out in jets onto his stomach. Those delicious abs that I wanted to lick now.

The thought surprised me, and I found myself pulling back, needing some space.

“Wow, that was um, yeah,” I mumbled, feeling embarrassed now.

“No kidding. I don’t think I’ve ever cum so hard. It makes me wish this was real, you know. But even still, it was the best experience of my life, Rose.”

His voice was so kind, so awestruck, that the humiliation disappeared.

“You’re welcome, Cowboy. Have a good night.”

“Bye, Rose.”

“Bye, Cowboy.”

I turned off the camera, shut the laptop, and I laid back in the bed, replaying everything. I just had my first consensual sexual experience, and it hadn’t sucked. It only took about ten months, but I felt like I was finally on my way toward healing. And a shy guy named Cowboy had helped me get there.

Diary #9

Dear Mom,

I can’t believe it’s been a year since everything happened. I miss Dad. I wish I could talk to him. I miss his hugs and his voice. I want to know how things are, but it makes me worried that it would be worse to know.

I miss Maddox too. Even if nothing ever came of us, I miss his friendship. He was that shadow, that looming presence who was always there, watching over me. Our chats aren’t the same.

I miss motorcycles. The noise, the smell, the way they feel between your legs. The power I had riding on one. I miss it all.

But when I’m not missing things, I’m able to see the things I’ve gained as well.

I’m not the same girl I was a year ago, and not just because of the things that happened that night. I’m stronger now. I’vebeen able to make it on my own, and I’m finding out things about myself I never knew.

For instance, I love to dance and sing. I’m also pretty good at teaching others. When I get out of my head, I can be entertaining. I’m finding new paths and what that might mean for me. It’s exciting.

Another thing, I’m a horrible cook. The absolute worst. If it doesn’t go in the microwave or oven, I will ruin it. Even those are iffy on if I’ll burn them, but I have a better chance.

I’m learning how to make friends with people and not be such a recluse. I’m kind of funny when I’m comfortable.

Being active is something else that’s important to me. I was always busy at the club but thought it was just a product of my upbringing. But I thrive off it. If I’m idle, I feel lazy and slip into the negative space my mind can become. It’s not good for anyone when that happens.

Now that I have money to live, I’ve taken some classes. I started with self-defense, but it wasn’t anything I didn’t know from MCD. So after one class, the instructor recommended a more advanced course. So, now I’m taking Krav Maga, and I love it. It challenges me, uses my body, and makes me capable of protecting myself. It’s been a huge help in my healing, along with the things I do on screen.

I started a dance class this past month, and it’s been a blast. I wanted something fun for myself, and it’s helped me learn how to move my body as well, helping with my confidence.

This brings me to the most significant area of my life. Being Rose is addicting. I can be whatever version of myself I want when I'm on screen. At first, I didn’t get that, and I was shy and timid. But after my time with Cowboy, I began to see I didn’t have to be Darcie with all of her hangups, but I could borrow some of my confidence and embrace the best parts of Rose.

It’s also nice having people tell me I’m beautiful and spend money to just talk to me. I know it’s not something I can do forever, but it’s been what I need right now. A safe way to explore and be sexual without having to be sexual. It makes sense in my head.

I’m happy with where my life is headed, but I miss you, Dad, and Maddox. Even Tiny and Red. I know I can’t go back, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Sometimes I get so tired of missing people.

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