Page 38 of Footlights and Forever

An hour later I found myself outside his building, staring up at the window that I knew to be his. The lights were on, so I knew he had to have come back. I pressed on the buzzer for reception. A buzz sounded, followed by the sound of the lock disengaging,releasing some of the tension in my gut. I was in the building; that was something at least.

“Austin.” The RA sat behind their desk staring at the screen of their laptop, their fingers clacking away quickly on the keys, their attention not leaving the bright screen even for a moment. “How can I help you this evening?”

“I need to get up to see Dylan.” I leaned against the white Formica countertop, the cold surface cooling my heated skin. Not wanting to wait for the subway, I had jogged through the darkened streets of the city, each of the faces I’d passed on the street looked as if they’d somehow known what I’d done and had been silently judging me. Of course I’d known that I’d just been reflecting myself back on them. I hated myself, I hated that I’d hurt him and that I’d done the very thing I promised I would never do.

“So, no offence, but why are you talking to me?” It was a very good question, seeing as Dylan always buzzed me in or let the RA know that I was on the way.

“I really just need to get up to see him.”

The RA looked up, a frown etched on their face, a slight look of irritation passing briefly across their features. I tried my best for a smile, hoping that they might take some pity and just let me pass.

“I mean, I can call up to his room and ask him?” Their tone made it very clear it was the last thing they wanted to be doing.

“Don’t bother.” A door slammed closed to my left. I knew that voice. I knew that voice when it was pissed off and I definitely knew that voice when it was aimed in my direction.

“Oh my god Hailey.” My immediate instinct was to smile. I hadn’t seen Hailey in what felt like forever, but had more likely only been a few weeks. I loved Hailey, not only for her fierce determined attitude and personality, but also the unfailing way she defended Dylan when I didn’t. I didn’t smile, though. Thelook on her face told me that if I acted on my instinct, I would end up getting a sharp right hook to the jaw.

“What the hell did you go and do?” How would I even go about answering that question? What would I say that could make this any better?Dylan didn’t stick around long enough for me to explain. It wasn’t what it looked like.No matter what, I let myself be out there alone with Kevin. I’d fucked up. So I told her that.

“Hailey, I fucked up.” I moved a couple of steps toward her, before the narrowing of her eyes had me rooted in my place. “I need to see him.”

“You fucked up?” She flexed her fingers by her side. “Do you really think that’s going to cut it? You did more than fuck up. You destroyed my friend.”

Her words were like a hot blade to my soul. I knew I’d hurt him, but I’d pushed that feeling down into the very pit of my stomach. If I’d really let myself acknowledge how he must be feeling, I didn’t know if I could be standing in this spot right now, begging to just lay eyes on my Dylan.

“I just need to talk to him,” I pleaded, “just for a few minutes. I need to tell him that I’m sorry and that I love him.” I felt the hot acid in my throat, the burning in the corner of my eyes. I felt the cramping begin in my gut.

“Austin, he knows you’re here.” Hailey ground out between her teeth.

“What?” I looked around an empty reception.

“It’s why I came down. He saw you out the window.” Hailey regarded me like I was little more that filth, and turned to the RA at the desk. “Dylan would like you to revoke Austin’s access privileges against Dylan’s name.”

“Hailey it wasn’t what he thought!” My hands flailed uselessly. “I didn’t do what he thought I did!”

“Revoke it now,” she murmured before turning away.

“Hailey no!” I stepped forward.

She held a hand up in front of her. “He knows that he can’t keep Austin from the building,” Hailey walked towards the bank of elevators and pressed the up button, “but he won’t be allowed access to Dylan’s room.”

“Hailey please tell him I have to speak to him.”

Hailey shook her head sadly and walked into the open elevator in front of her. The doors began to close, but her hand came out to stop them. “I told him to give you a chance you know. Back then. Back in school.”

“Hailey...”

“Watching what you have done to him tonight makes me see I was wrong now,” the doors began to close, “you’re just like them.”

I felt the eyes of the RA on me as I dipped my head and made my way through the front doors back onto the pedestrian-packed streets. My gaze travelled up the building to his floor, hoping against hope that I might just see him peering out of the window, dying to get a glimpse of him to wipe away that last look of hurt and disappointment from his face.

“You’re going to hurt me, you know.” Dylan had threaded his fingers through mine as they’d rested against his stomach. After school had finished today, we’d come back to his house to watch a movie which had very quickly led to making out, hot and heavy, on his bed and ignoring whatever was going on the screen. If you’d paid me a million dollars, I could not for the life of me have told you what movie had been playing in that moment. I’d curled myself around him, squeezing him back against me.

“Of course I’m not going to hurt you.” I’d rubbed the tip of my nose against the back of his neck, the hairs tickling my skin. “What do you mean?” My voice had sounded thick with sleepas I’d fought to stay awake, his warmth, scent, and everything that made him my Dylan lulling me to sleep behind him.

“I’m not saying you’re going to intentionally go out of your way to hurt me.” His fingers had squeezed mine. “I’m saying that I’m not the person you spend your forever with. You’re going to become a big star, and you are going to fall in love with another leading man and be in all the magazines, have a couple of kids and be one of those guys that everyone wants.”

I’d pulled away from him for a moment, just to shift him onto his back. I’d caged him in on either side, my forearms resting on either side of his head. I’d brought my face to within an inch of him. His warm sweet breath had mixed with my own.

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