“What's wrong, baby? You're not happy in London?”
It's a dumb question to ask. She wasn't happy in Ohio, why would she be in a different country?
“No, Mom. I'm not.”
I nod, trying to think of any consolation I can offer her. Nothing comes to me. I need Ian to wake up. I'm not functioning well with the fear of his health.
“Why?” I resort to asking.
“Because you're not here. I miss you, and I'm mad at you. Auntie won't tell me what's going on. You both just brought me here and refused to let me in. Why aren't you here with us, Mom? Where are you? What's going on? When are we coming back home?”
She has so many questions yet there's only one answer.
Sighing, I push up from my seat and start to pace the room to stretch my legs. I need to clear my head, too.
I'm suddenly tired of hiding things from her, but I'm not sure if telling her is the right thing. She may not handle the truth well.
“Olivia, I don't know what to say.” I settle with that.
“Tell me the truth. Mom, I'm not a kid anymore. I want the truth.”
While she may think she's no longer a kid, she still is. She just happens to be a smart one.
Maybe I can tell her the truth, after all.
“Which do you want first, the good news or the not so good information?” I ask.
If she's saying she can handle the truth, then it's time I trust that she can and tell it to her. I don't want to make the same mistake I made with Ian.
“Tell me the good news last,” she says, her voice coming out sure. Maybe she's not a kid, after all.
“Well, Olivia. The truth is your father is not as far away as I've always said. He is in New Jersey, but he doesn't know about you.” I pause, wanting to give her time to process the information shared so far.
“Why doesn't he know?”
Good question.
“I couldn't tell him I was pregnant because I was scared he was either going to make me get rid of you or force me to stay with him, and that would mean raising you with a man I couldn’t trust with your safety.”
“So, he's a bad man?”
“No honey, not exactly. But he has a reputation and many enemies, a lot of whom will do anything to harm him through you if they know you exist.”
There's a long silence from her end. I don't say anything, giving her time to process the information.
I can't say I understand exactly how she's feeling right now, but I have an idea. Growing up without knowing your father is hard. More than anything, I wish I could make Kyle meet her. But it's too dangerous a risk to take. I told her the truth, but not entirely.
Kyle is a menace. And before his enemies could even try to use her to harm him, he would have done a lot of harm to her on his own because of his way of life.
Would he love her?
I have no doubt about that.
But there are some types of love that one is better off without. His is that type of love. Besides, we have Ian now. He'll be a good father to her and our unborn child. I know he will. He just needs to wake up first.
Clearing my throat to subtly remind her of my presence, I wait for her to speak.
She takes another two minutes before she says anything.