Me: Neither, sorry. So?
Hot Shot: My male mutt from the pound would be named Castello.
Hot Shot: And IF you can guess why, not only will I be impressed, I’ll give you a pass and won’t ask if your girlfriend knows you’re texting me.
Castello? I Google it real quick, interrupted by…
Hot Shot: I said GUESS, not GOOGLE. You lose. So, does your gf know you’re texting me?
Me: Honestly?
Hot Shot: No, Sutton. Entertain me with some elaborate fairytale. Cause I’m not a human lie detector test or anything and I adore fairytales, even more than I like being fed bullshit for breakfast before I’m even out of bed!
Me: NOT MY GIRLFRIEND. FAR FROM IT. And she thinks I’m in the bathroom w/ chronic diarrhea.
Hot, Sutton. Good call sending that part.
Hot Shot: I believe you. I feel sorry for you, I’m laughing at you, but I believe you. So, you’re hiding in your bathroom, w/ pretend diarrhea, texting ME of all people bc you don’t know how to get rid of the clinger?
Me: Pretty much.
Hot Shot: And?
Me: And, WHAT DO I DO?
Hot Shot: Tell her to leave?
Me: I have! Many times! She made herself a key and was waiting for me. Redecorated my apartment. She’s CRAZY.
Hot Shot: FFS. Hold on, no sudden movements, I got you. AND I AM NOW FORGIVEN FOR IGNORING YOUR CALLS. You can never throw it in my face again. Btw, Margaret Castello was the disabled, Catholic patron of “the unwanted.” Can’t name HIM Margaret, so Castello it’d be for my mutt.
Me: Cool, but… you’re not Catholic?
Hot Shot: You’re being held hostage by a psychotic fairy, so maybe STFU? And you’re welcome. TTYL.
She’s ‘got me?’ With Presley, that could mean anything, nothing, or everything in between… but damn if I’m not excited to find out. I tame my grin, take a collective breath, and open the door to face Hailey.
“Feeling any better?” She jumps up and asks.
“I was lying. There’s nothing wrong with me. I was taking a minute to get my head straight. You’ve been freaking me the fuck out lately, and well, I’m out of ideas on how to make you understand… we’re done, Hailey.”