Page 28 of Unstable

THE HORSES ARE TAKEN care of, fed and out roaming free with tended hooves.

I helped with that.

The cows are moved, grazing in the back field.

I did almost all of that.

And the mortgage is paid for the month.

I was cordial to Merrick for doing that…with what is technically, now my money.

As I sit here, out on the roof, I feel…something besides disgusted with myself—and I can’t remember the last time that happened.

And yet, I’m out here for a reason. Because no sooner than I let myself off the hook, even just a tad, or feel an ounce of pride, take a deep breath, start to relax…it comes back—the punishing, unbearable weight of crushing guilt.

I need to talk to them, but can they hear me if I do that here, or do I need to be at their graves? God can hear your prayers wherever you are, and they’re with him, so maybe here is fine?

I take another swig of wine, yep, straight from the bottle I found in the fridge, and swallow down my cowardice along with the bitter liquid.

“M…Mom,” I whisper, broken and croaky, the word still so foreign on my lips. “I need to talk to you. I hope you can hear me. Would’ve been easier to pick up the phone when I was sure you could, but, well, we both know I didn’t do that. So…I’m trying this.”

A crackle of lightning jags through the dark sky in the distance—I take it as a sign.

“So you can hear me. And I see you’re mad I’m on the roof.” A tiny, pained laugh escapes. “I’m drinking your wine too. Guess you won’t,” I gulp over a sob, “need me to replace it. Doesn’t taste real good anyway, don’t worry.”

Bourbon starts barking from below, maybe at Gatlin, who I’m not ready to talk to yet, maybe at the storm coming, who knows. “Bourbon, hush,” I yell at him.

“Sorry about that, I’m back,” I say to the sky, to my mother, then take another swig. “Mom, Im so sorry I shut you out. I…I was just so ashamed, of what I’d done, who I became inside. I wasn’t mad at you. I was mad at myself. I thought having me around would just remind you, hurt you more. But, you left me this farm,” now I cry, full, heavy tears flowing down my face, that I don’t wipe away, “so you must’ve wanted me here. Does that mean you forgive me, for everything, or was I just the only option? I was dumb, blind, and selfish, hurting you more with every letter I ignored, every phone call I didn’t answer. God, who turns their back on their own mother?”

I’m screaming now, smacking myself in the forehead, wailing through the tears. The sky opens up and rain starts pelting down on me, but I welcome it—a cleansing of sorts—confessing my sins and hopefully having them washed away.

“I love you. I love you so much, and I miss you. And now it’s too late to ever hug you again. I’ll never hear your voice again. Your laugh. Please, forgive me. Please, show me you really do still love me, I need to know. If you want me to stay and run this place, I will, for you. But show me, Mama. I’m lost, I need an answer.”

I lie on my back, soaked to the bone, wiping the rain and tears off my face and wait for her reply. I can hear Bourbon barking like crazy, but that’s not it. No flashes of lightning. Nothing.

And then…

“Do you want me to tan your ass? ‘Cause I’m damn sure itching to. What the hell are you thinking?”

Keaton Fucking Cash.

Yelling at me from the window.

This cannot possibly be her idea of “a sign.”

“Leave me alone, Eatin’ Ass! I’m talking to my mom! And you’re breaking and entering! How’d you even know I was out here, stalker?”

“And you’re drunk? Oh, Henny,” he snarls, “you’re severely testing me right now, Darlin’. Don’t move, I’m coming to get you.”

“What?” I sit up, my head spinning. “You’re not touching me! Go home, Keaton, or I will spike this bottle off your head.”

“You just try it. Your aim sucks, and there will be repercussions, that I’ll thoroughly enjoy, so let ‘er fly. Damn, this is a tight fit,” he grumbles, twisting his way through the window.

“I said leave me alone!” I start to stand, my anger matching the rumbling thunder.

“Sit. Down. Henley. You’re gonna fucking fall. I’ll come to you,” he barks his demand, wasting no time making his way toward me.

“No!” I crab-crawl backward, away from him. “I told you, I’m finally talking to my mom! Please leave me to it.”

---