Page 11 of Embracing Trust

“Go easy on yourself, friend.” Merilee gives me a pleasant smile. “You can’t just flip a switch, you know.”

Besides surprising me, my feelings also frustrate me. I came prepared that this weekend would be difficult, but not to this extent. Seeing him.Smellinghim. Good grief. It brings everything back magnified by ten thousand.

As always, Merilee is right. You can’t just flip a switch. Although Ryan and I had our ups and downs and even though we ended on a poor note, he still holds a place in my heart.

When we arrive at the reception hall and enter through the double doors, we stop, and Merilee grabs my wrist. We stare at one another for a moment, completely speechless.

“Oh. My. Gosh.” The tables are covered in elegant brown sugar-colored tablecloths with topiary centerpieces of roses, and sparkling candles put out a romantic radiance. The chairs have taupe covers with gold bows. My breath catches seeing thousands of tiny white lights that illuminate the room like the stars glow in a velvety ocean sky. As we take our places at the head table, it isn’t long before the DJ introduces the bride and groom. As they make their appearance with their arms held in the air, applause and cheers ring out from family and friends. I blink the hot tears away as they build behind my eyes and force a smile as I clap.

I. Want. This.

Everything about this day has been exactly what Amy’s been talking about for years. When I photograph weddings, it’s easy to tell how much thought and preparation some brides put into the event. So much planning—assuring every detail is met.

When the applause dies down and guests are seated, Merilee leans over to me. “You okay?”

I suck in a breath. “Yeah. Everything is so beautiful.” I fan my face with my hand.

After dinner, the DJ starts the customary wedding traditions. Amy throws her bouquet to a crowd of female hopefuls. Merilee and I stand in the back of the group, which allows Amy’s young cousins the opportunity to catch the bouquet. My heart melts when a little girl catches the bundle of sweetheart roses and receives hugs from the other little girls in her entourage. Her dad appears, lifts her into his arms, and kisses her on the cheek. She wraps her little arms around her dad’s neck, as she clutches her prized bouquet. He rearranges her in his arms and sweeps her across the dance floor. I let out a small moan. So cute.

Again, for what feels like at least the twentieth time tonight, I’m blinking back tears as my heart crushes. There was a time when I looked adoringly into my father’s eyes, never believing how much he could hurt me and break my trust. I stand frozen in place at the edge of the dancefloor as the father glides around effortlessly, holding his little girl.

“Hey.” Ryan joins me and leans in. He peeks at my feet. “Haven’t gone all hillbilly on us yet?”

My head jerks to Ryan. “Huh?”

“The shoes.” He grins. “You haven’t taken them off yet.”

“Not yet, but I’m afraid they won’t stick around for too long.”

The wedding attendants gather around Ryan and me as Amy sits on a chair in the middle of the dancefloor. Kevin shimmies toward her doing his best impression of a male stripper.

Brad chuckles and takes a long pull from his beer. “How many beers did it take him to do that?”

Kevin falls to his knees and slowly lifts Amy’s foot, resting it on his thigh. Bit by bit he begins to lift her gown to the cheers and cat-calls of the crowd. His head disappears into the layers of taffeta and lace.

Mark leans into Ryan. “Probably doesn’t know what to do in there.”

Once Kevin makes his reappearance with the garter in his teeth, the DJ invites the single men to the dancefloor. Mark and Ryan, along with their group of friends, jokingly tussle with one another as Kevin turns his back to them and prepares to launch the lacy gold garter. He gives it a fling over his shoulder and Mark lifts a hand and easily snags it.

I howl before I lean into Merilee. “Would you look at that? Looks like he’s up next. You better get over there before someone else snatches him up.”

Merilee shoots me a dirty look. “Not happening.”

Poor Merilee. She’s crushed on Mark for as long as she’s known him. I wouldn’t describe Mark as a player, but he doesn’t stay with any one girl for very long before he moves on to the next. Scared of commitment? Maybe. Merilee has never pushed anything with Mark, but he’d have to be blind not to know how much Merilee cares for him.

As the festivities continue, guests begin to thin out. Our group of friends continues to stick around, and we gather at a table near the dancefloor. Throughout the evening, I dance with Mark, Brad, and one of Amy’s brothers, but have yet to dance with Ryan. He’s been occupied talking with friends. Since he’s never been a big fan of dancing, maybe he won’t ask, and I should ask him. What if he says no? Geez, that would be embarrassing. If he doesn’t ask me soon, I’m going to ask him.

When the dollar dance starts, Merilee and I leave our table to get in line for a dance with Kevin. After my dance, I return to the table to find Ryan occupying the chair next to mine, talking with Mark across the table.

I take a long drink of ice water, fan my face with my hand, and adjust a few loose tendrils from my updo. I scoot my chair back and remove my heels. I give each foot a rub and massage my toes.

“I need to get this thing off,” Ryan says as he scoots away from the table and drapes the tuxedo jacket over the back of his chair. I get a whiff of that familiar scent of soap and my mind replays image after sweet image of us. I study him as he removes his cufflinks, slips them into his pants pocket, and rolls up the sleeves of the white dress shirt. First one arm then the other. His tanned arms appear—the hair lightened by his obvious time in the sun.

Since when are forearms so sexy?

My eyes make their way up his arms to his strong shoulders, sculpted chin, and blue eyes. He smiles as he talks to Mark across the table. Although I’m not paying a bit of attention to their conversation, I bite down on my bottom lip as I watch his mouth move. He takes a pull from his beer bottle and runs his tongue across his top lip as he sets the bottle on the table. A shiver runs down my spine.

That tongue and the way he used to kiss me.

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