Page 65 of Embracing Trust

I lean against the column to face her.

“I hope I didn’t wake you.”

“No, I got up for some water and I thought I heard something,” she says as she slowly rocks the porch swing.

I shake my head. “I should’ve never gotten involved with her.”

“Well, we all make mistakes. No sense in beating yourself up about it.”

“She wasn’t someone I would’ve normally been attracted to.”

“Yeah?”

“I was really fucked up when I got back from Afghanistan.”

Lydia is quiet as she continues to slowly rock in the porch swing. The rhythmic creak of the swing somehow calms me.

I simply can’t be with Aubree. For one, I don’t love her. I never did. Besides, I’ve always been in love with Julia, and even when I thought I could get over her and move on, I couldn’t. Aubree is not my long-term kind of relationship. When I was with her, she helped me get through my days. She dulled the pain. Like a drug—a drug I couldn’t get enough of. We argued a lot, but we were combustible in the sheets. She was my escape from the hellhole known as my life.

I continue, “Our relationship was actually kind of toxic. Aubree’s a negative person. I never felt that great being around her, but. . .” I rub the back of my neck.

“You didn’t really care,” Lydia says.

I raise my eyebrows. “I didn’t mean for this to turn into a counseling session. You may have to start charging me,” I tease.

“You didn’t care that Aubree was negative and she wasn’t the type of girl you’d normally pick to be around, but it didn’t matter. You were looking for an escape. Am I right?”

I nod. “And the sex—”

“Took your mind off what happened over there.”

I nod again.

Lydia stands from the swing. “Don’t be so tough on yourself.” She approaches me, places a kiss on the top of my head, and pads to the front door. “Goodnight, Ryan. Try to get some sleep, okay?”

“Good night.”

I don’t want to imagine what my life would look like if I had to give up on my relationship with Julia. It would be like seeing wilted flowers in a vase when you never got to enjoy them in full bloom.

All I know for sure is that no matter the outcome with this kid, I’m not going to spend my life in a loveless marriage to Aubree. That won’t happen. I have to figure out a way to keep Julia right where she belongs—with me.

Chapter Twenty-eight

Julia

I’ve barely seen Ryan or talked to him all week and I’m looking forward to tonight. We’ve both had an extremely busy week, so we decided to order take-out. Ryan will stop by and pick up our dinner and then come here. We talked about Italian food from Luigi’s, but I’m not particular—I’m just excited to be with him.

The few times that we’ve been in touch this past week, he’s seemed distant and a little off. This is the building company’s busiest time of year, so maybe he’s stressed about that.

I hope his mood doesn’t have anything to do with the nightmares. We never discussed what happened the night of Mark’s birthday party, but I’m sure the nightmares are related to PTSD. The only thing he’ll say is that he ‘saw shit in Afghanistan that he can’t unsee.’ I’ve been doing quite a bit of research online about PTSD after combat and he exhibits some of the symptoms.

I wish he’d confide in me—trust me enough to share this part of his life. The articles say you can’t push the person to discuss anything before they’re ready.

I yawn as I save my final edits from the Cooper family’s photos. Their daughters are precious. Kayla and Katie are twins. They just turned four and their baby brother Kyle is three months old. Love the Cooper family. Being around them reminds me of the future I hope to have someday. A loving husband and children I adore—just as much as the Cooper parents adore their little ones.

Although I’m tired from spending most of the day on the computer, I still take time to style my hair and put on a cute denim skirt that hits me midway between my thighs and knees. I slip on a lacy pink bra and a pink shirt with a deep V-neck.

Ryan arrives with the food, and I help him carry the sacks to the kitchen table. We set everything down and I grab him in a hug.

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