Page 22 of Filthy Savage

My heart is slammingagainst my chest as I walk into the bar. I don’t know what possessed me to say what I did. I mean, I know I never regretted anything with him. I’m the one who threw myself at him when I knew he was completely and totally not only drunk but high.

If he had been just one or the other, nothing probably would have happened. I waited for the opportune moment—I knew exactly what I was doing. I wanted him, and that has never changed.

I still want him.

I’m not sure there will ever be a time when I won’t be head over heels for the man.

“Are you going to tell us why that man is looking at you like he could eat you for breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, and a midnight snack?” Ryan asks.

I shrug a shoulder, lifting my hand for the bartender to make his way over here. He does, though it’s clear this isn’t a fully stocked bar, meaning they won’t have wine or anything that isn’t hard liquor or beer.

“I’ll have whatever doesn’t taste like piss water and isn’t hard liquor,” I state.

The prospect behind the bar blinks, then his lips curve up into a grin, and he lets out a laugh. He clears his throat and takes a step backward. “Babe, that’s all I got here.”

“Then water?”

He shakes his head, reaches down below the bar, and slides a bottle of water in my direction. Wrapping my fingers around the base, I twist the cap off and then lift it to my lips. The cool liquid slides down the back of my throat, and I close my eyes. I didn’t realize how thirsty I was until this moment.

“Are you not going to answer me?” Ryan asks again.

Setting the water down in front of me, I turn my head to look at her and realize that all eyes are on me. At least all of theold ladies’ eyes are on me. I hold my breath for a moment as I attempt to stall. I’m not sure what to say. I’m not sure how I should respond.

“I think he does,” I mutter, lifting the bottle of water to my lips again.

Shawn giggles, then shakes her head a couple of times. “Girl, that much is obvious. But the real question is, are you going to let him?”

A moment passes, then another as I let that question marinade. I let it process. This is something I could answer instantly, without even thinking. However, now that I’m truly here, sitting in this bar, the men around me, the whores circling, all of us together on lockdown?

Is this truly the life I would want? Or do I do this with him one more time and then walk out the door? Never to be seen again? I don’t know the right answer. He’s saying all of the right things, but how long does that last?

“I can see the wheels turning. Those wheels turned for me, too,” Ryan states. “Don’t overthink it, trust me. Let the process happen.”

I use my nail to scratch the paper label on the water bottle. I didn’t think they still did this—put paper on bottles. I thought they stopped using paper and went to more of that plastic wrap.

I prefer glass-bottled water when I can afford it, which has been less often lately because they raised the rent on my apartment. I’m drowning. With each month, I use more and more of my savings. It’s dwindling at a rapid pace, and even though I’ve added more clients, it’s not making up the difference.

It’s just not.

Brew’s offer to live at the cabin is actually a godsend, but what does that mean for us? Will there be anus? Could there be?I know he’s saying that he wants this, but what happens when the excitement wears off?

The forbiddenness of it all?

When I’m no longer a chase?

Or is this all guilty pity because of Clink?

“You are really thinking about this whole thing. Don’t fight it, Spencer,” Kyle says. “Don’t fight any of it.”

I want to tell her that she doesn’t understand, but it would be a lie. She does understand. They likely all do. I know Ryan does, for sure. She ran a long time ago, but now she’s back. It must have really taken a leap of faith for her to come back.

“It wasn’t a leap of faith,” Ryan whispers. “I had his son. I needed his help. He tried to push me away. I deserved that, but then he had to rescue me, and we fell in love with one another. What we had in the past never went away.”

Nodding a few times, I exhale a heavy breath. Keeping my focus on hers, I give her a small smile. “I never had him, Ryan. We didn’t have anything at all.”

“Oh yeah, you did,” she contradicts me, her voice soft and sweet. “It just had to be denied because it was wrong. But it’s not wrong anymore, and he’s not going to deny a damn thing. I can feel him watching you from across the room. He’s ready, babe.”

Before I can gather my thoughts for a decent response, I feel a warm hand on my back. Turning, I look behind me at the man himself. He is smiling as he dips his chin and touches his lips to the shell of my ear.

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