Page 89 of Close Knit

“You’re not that girl anymore, Daphne. You have choices in front of you.”

“Cameron suggested that I take down my socials,” I say. My palms grow sweaty. “But I can’t do that.”

Erin gives me a sympathetic glance. “When was the last time you took a break from posting?”

“When I got the flu two winters ago.” I bite my lip, trying to calm my nerves.

“Okay, that’s a long time. You use your account to spread awareness about mental health, but your mental health is just as important to your community. You’re allowed to take some time away to care for yourself.”

I blink at her. Of course. “I’m a hypocrite.”

“You’re hardly a hypocrite. You’re being dealt a difficult situation that few of us know how to handle.”

“I tell people to care about their mental health, but I’m not even taking care of mine. How am I supposed to run a retreat when I can’t even manage my anxiety?”

“Youcanmanage your anxiety,” Erin reminds me, and I feel embarrassed that my fatalist thinking is getting ahold of my tongue. “You’ve been doing it for fifteen years. Sometimes the way we take care of ourselves evolves and changes. What used to work may need an adjustment given your current circumstances.”

“You’re right. I have the power to step away from this temporarily. Maybe just for a week?” Then I’ll see how I feel. I’ll make an announcement and go offline. Even though that terrifies me and I love making content and talking to people, it’s for the best. This whole thing made me feel like giving up on my retreat, and that’s not okay. I hate that this is making me doubt myself.

“One day at a time. Can I ask, how is Cameron handling this? You’ve expressed feelings for him in our last session. Could this perhaps bring you closer?”

“He’s dealt with this kind of thing before.” I fidget with the sleeve of my sweater.

Cameron seemed to know how to handle it. How to fix it. How to calm me down. He had the right idea: get away from it all. Maybe runningisthe best way to get through this.

“That’s useful.”

I shrug. “I like who he is as a person and how he makes me feel. The version of myself that I am when I’m with him. But now, I don’t know if our worlds make sense together.” I don’t want to be in the tabloids ever again, and that doesn’t seem to be something Cameron can avoid.

“Maybe if you take him up on his offer to go to California next month, you can spend some time together outside of the routine you’ve made in London?”

“Maybe. But now that we’ve kissed, everything feels so complicated.” My mind races with questions. What are we? How do we move forward? Are we still just friends, or are we more? What do I even want?

“It doesn’t have to be complicated, Daphne. You both clearly care for each other. Sometimes stressful situations bring people closer together.”

“Are we trauma bonding?”

“I wouldn’t go that far.” Erin chuckles. “Look, you don’t have to define your relationship. Sure, your bubble has burst, but the feelings you have for each other haven’t just vanished.”

“That’s true. I want to be around him, and I’ve never casually kissed someone before. How do I make sense of that? Isn’t this the part of every relationship where people decide if it’s make-or-break?”

Erin shakes her head. “Did you like kissing him?”

“So much.”

“Do you want to do it again?”

I hesitate, scared to admit it out loud. “Yes.”

“So, why not just do that?”

“But what does it mean—”

“That you two are good friends. That you care for each other, and you like kissing. And that can be it for now, until everything blows over and you’re ready to have a conversation about both of your feelings. You’ve only been spending time together for two months. From what I understand of modern dating, you don’t need to rush and label your relationship.”

It has been such a short time, even though my feelings for him are big. “You’re right. The last thing I want to do is lose my friend over a shitty tabloid story,” I say. I don’t need to complicate the situation even more. “But am I being too soft about this? Should I just go online and tell everyone to fuck off?Is that what a Yes Girl would do? I’m worried that me running away is running away from my Yes Year.”

“A Yes Girl is whoever you want her to be. Boundaries are healthy. There’s no manual for this.”

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