Page 75 of Logan

Choosing to stay close, no matter how much her words were going to hurt, he chose to sit on the sofa, twisting his body to face her. “I had to bring Sakari back. And that’s Poncho, by the way. He’s become rather enamored and protective of her.”

Vivian’s eyes widened, and he hastened to add, “I had them both neutered. There are other strays around, but for them, I didn’t want him to go after her when she was in heat.”

“Good thinking,” she said softly, nodding. Taking a long swig of her beer, she looked down for a moment, seeming to gather her courage.

“Viv, you came a long way to talk to me… or to tell me something. I’m going to let you take your time to say whateveryou need. You can call the shots.” He steeled himself for her anger, and his stomach clenched.

“I… um… I became sick when I got back from Alaska,” she began, looking up to hold his gaze. “It must have happened when I was cleaning up, although with so much bleach, I have no idea how. I handled the plastic bag afterward, so that must have been it.”

“I am so sorry?—”

“No, no. I mean, it’s not your fault. It certainly proved what we knew could happen as far as biological terrorism.” Snorting, she added, “I was very mildly sick, and in fact, they used me to study what drugs worked best and how to contain contamination.” Hefting her delicate shoulders in a slight shrug, she said, “I became another DHS biological test.”

“Oh shit, Viv…”

Unable to hold back a rueful chuckle, she smiled, and he felt the punch to his gut. He had woken up to that smile for weeks and had missed it for the past couple of months.

“Anyway, I’m all better… no lasting side effects or anything, other than a little lingering fatigue.” They sat in silence again for a few minutes as she stared at her beer bottle again. “I’m also in counseling. For… well, for everything.” She lifted her gaze back to his and said, “My supervisor said it was mandatory for me to keep my job, and let’s face it, I needed it. So I’ve been seeing someone who works with former military personnel. They understand PTSD.”

His heart ached at her words. He knew what she went through, but hearing her speak of it pierced straight through him.

“I’m actually doing really well,” she admitted with a small smile. “I don’t have nightmares anymore. Well, at least only rarely, and when I do, I know several techniques for calming myself.”

“I’m glad,” he said, sincerity filling his voice. “I never meant for any of that to happen, Viv. None of it?—”

She leaned forward and placed her hand on his arm, giving a little squeeze. “Oh, Logan, I know. None of it was your fault. You had a job to do, and I know that.” Swallowing deeply, she said, “I’m not here to make you feel guilty. I’m here because my therapist told me I had one more thing I needed to take care of and that was to face you. The way things ended… I had no closure.”

“And that’s why you’re here? Closure?” He wasn’t sure his heart could take any more pain but was determined to let her have what she needed.

She nodded slowly. “I need you to hear me out, please.” Seeing him give a quick nod, she sucked in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “I’m not sorry at all that I took the assignment. The truth of the matter is, I was bored just working in a lab, and even as scary as the situation became, I needed to see how my work had meaning when faced with how terrorists can use biological warfare. It opened my eyes.”

She blew out another long breath. “But on a personal level with the way things ended… it was all so…” Huffing, she grimaced. “I’ve practiced what I was going to say so much, and now that I’m here facing you, my words all seem so stupid.”

Reaching over to take her hand, he rubbed his thumb over her soft skin. “Just say whatever it is, Viv. I know I deserve whatever you’ve got to get off your chest.”

She startled, and confusion filled her eyes. “I was going to say that I felt so connected to you. It wasn’t like we had to play the part of being a couple. Honestly, I fell for you. Truly, honestly, fell for you.”

His hand stilled as he jerked his head to the side, but before he could speak, she continued. “It’s just that at the end, when you had to do your job and then everything went crazy, I felt likewe didn’t get our chance to tell each other how we really felt. It was all so much about the mission, and I know it needed to be, but I’ve felt for months like so many things went unsaid.”

Pushing her shoulders back, she steeled her spine, holding his gaze. “So that’s what I came to say. I fell in love with you in Alaska, and I’m not sorry at all. I just didn’t get a chance to tell you how I felt. I once told you I was waiting for a hero, and that hero was you. That’s still true. My counselor said that I need to face the fact that I was grieving lost love as much as the PTSD, and I should come face you so at least I will have said it instead of holding it all in.” Her voice was etched with sadness, and her shoulders now hunched slightly as though her energy was spent.

She smiled gently, reaching up to cup his stubbled cheek. “Please don’t feel the need to say anything. I don’t want anything from you other than the chance to have seen you one last time. Thank you for letting me get my feelings out.” Standing, she slid her purse strap on her shoulder and started toward the door.

Dizzy with emotions, he stood quickly, calling out, “You loved me?”

She turned. Her gaze sought his, and she nodded slowly. “Yes. That’s why I needed to come see you. To know for sure that I told you how I felt, and then hopefully, I’ll be able to move on from this.”

“Why do you want to move on?”

Her brow furrowed as she tilted her head. “I need to move on, Logan. What happened in Alaska happened. But I know it’s over. The mission… us… it’s over. Staying in love with a man who doesn’t reciprocate that love isn’t healthy.”

“But you only just told me how you felt,” he accused gently. “You didn’t ask me how I felt.”

Pinching her lips together, she stared without saying anything.

“I went to Alaska to do a mission. Find the terrorist cell. Work with a biologist to determine what they were up to. And when I had the evidence, destroy it. Then eliminate. That was it. That last part isn’t what being a Keeper is all about, and I’ll never take a mission like that again. But I did what I was sent to do because when it was all over, leaving them alive would only leave you exposed if they figured out who was after them. I did what I needed to do, but it gutted me to push you away to keep you safe.” Spreading his hand out from his body, he said, “But I never counted on falling in love with you.”

She gasped as her eyes widened, but she remained silent.

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