Page 48 of Shadows in Bloom

Kaz’s voice cracked, and it broke something in me that had me kicking off my boots and running through the swamp water to stand at his side. I could do little more for him than to rest a hand on his arm, to give him some bit of comfort. It wouldn’t be enough—nothing could ever be—but I hoped it would help him through that darkness.

Kaz continued, “To this day, I do not know what was in those crates or why they didn’t wait for me to pass them off as I was instructed. My home was ripped apart by the time I returned, and the crates were nowhere to be found. I can only assumesomething with the deal had gone sideways, and I’d been caught in the crossfire.” He rested his hand over the top of mine. “I have traveled ever since. Promised myself no one would ever suffer for my actions ever again. I don’t lay down roots, and I don’t do love. Not anymore. It is safer that way.”

I had to swiftly swat the tears from my cheeks with my other hand. It was a futile effort to keep Kaz from seeing me cry.

He forced a half smile. For my sake or his own, I wasn’t sure. “And that’s why I haven’t been able to return to Rajandi. I loved my city and I miss my family, but I don’t know if I can face it yet. Shamsi—she is everywhere in that city. In the markets where we used to argue over what peppers to buy for dinner. In back alleyways we used to chase each other through—the ones where I’d always pretend to lose. She is on the rooftop of our house where we would talk and watch the sunrise—the best view in all of Rajandi. She is everywhere.”

Giving up on hiding the emotion he’d invoked in me, I swallowed a sob. “Is love always so painful?”

“Not always.” Only when Kaz had answered my question did I realize I’d spoken it aloud. “You must decide if the joy it can bring is worth the risk of that pain. I may not wish to love another, but I would choose Shamsi over and over again, even knowing what I know now.”

I nodded and pulled my hand away, resting it over my heart.

“He looks at you like I looked at her. That’s how I recognized it.” Kaz laughed, and I was grateful for the semblance of happiness it returned to his face. “He looks at you like you areeverything that lights his world… and also the very thing capable of plunging it into darkness.”

I thought of the reason I’d asked to join Kaz in the first place. I was planning to do something that had the potential to greatly alter the way he perceived me. And I needed to go. Now. “He may hate me soon, Kaz.”

“I sincerely doubt that would be possible. Trust me.”

“I hope you are right,” I said grimly, stepping out of the water to collect my boots. “Or I will be the one facing a world of darkness.” I shoved my wet feet into the leather. “I have to go. There is something I need to do.”

Kaz nodded and grabbed his spear. “I understand, and I will feign ignorance to the knowledge of you leaving your post for whatever it is you feel you must do. But Nairu—don’t do something you will regret. Regret is something that never fades.”

I paused. “I-I have to do this.”

Or none of it would matter. I needed answers in order to ensure the future I dreamed of. My only hope was that I wasn’t about to ruin everything in pursuit of it.

Chapter 24

My hands shook in tandem with my every shallow breath. As I sifted through the bag in front of me, I raised my head every few seconds to scan the tree-line. My hands skimmed across the smooth leather, and I pulled it forth, along with a quill and a small pot of ink. With the journal in my grasp, I paused, staring down at the cover.

After hearing Kaz’s story of love, and his warning about regret, I’d contemplated if this was the right thing to do, but ultimately, I believed I had no choice. We were running out of time before the force of circumstance would separate us, and I needed to discover the truth of myself if I were to prevent that from happening. Opening myself up to potential danger was a necessary risk. I had to hope that Alandris would see it from my perspective.

I placed the journal in my lap and prepared to write. The handwriting would be difficult to match, given the gracefully fluent strokes Alandris had mastered. I would have to do my best and use the excuse of traveling by cart to explain the sloppiness. Matching Alandris’ tone was another challenge, though I’d learned enough from his behavior, as well as the previous entries, to comprehend his humor. I could hear it—his deep and charming voice. His playful jests. My chest tightened with guilt as the memories flooded my mind. But still, I wrote…

Lyandril,

Forgive my delayed response to your earlier request for me to ruthlessly murder a woman. I have taken your request into consideration, and I must ask that you further explain what exactly she is. If not for the sake of my conscience, then due to the fact that her magic has grown significantly stronger and I need to understand what I am up against.

You must also forgive my penmanship. We’ve managed to hitch a ride for part of the way, and the merchant manning the wagon is insistent on hitting every ditch in the road.

Alandris

It was done. There was no turning back. The finality of my decision had left me numb, and I sat there staring at the page while the world around me disappeared. I had betrayed Alandris’ trust, and I would have to live with the consequences. The guilt was leaving me sick, a swelling discomfort and nausea growing in the pit of my stomach. I braced my palms against the ground, willing the world to stop spinning around me as Iforced myself to breathe. Perhaps that was why I hadn’t heard the footsteps approaching me.

“What have you done?” The voice cracked into a whisper. His voice.

I rose to my feet and whipped around; the journal falling from my lap, onto the ground in front of me. The horrible proof of my sins. “I—”

There was an anger in the tight set of Alandris’ jaw, in the way his fingers curled, that I’d never seen from him. “I warned you. I begged you.”

I felt the inherent urge to defend my actions, though I knew it would be futile. “We don’t have the time to wait and see if we can learn more about what I am naturally. I am aware of the danger in writing to him, but I am willing to take the risk. I would never have written him if I thought it would cause you harm. Lyandril trusts you. I am the one he wants dead. I will face him if I must. I will not ask you to do the same.”

He swallowed and shook his head, not meeting my eyes. “I would not think you are a fool, not even for writing to a Grand Arch Magus who seeks your death.” When he looked back up at me, it was with such intensity swirling in his irises, I froze. “But if you thought for a second that I would ever let you face him alone, then you are truly foolish. You do not need to ask me to face him should he come after you. If he so much as touches a hair on your head, I will watch him burn with a smile on my face.”

“He is… your mentor.”

“And you are everything, my love.” His face softened as he reached for me, and I did not hesitate to wrap myself in his arms. “I cannot explain it—why I am so impossibly drawn to you. I only know it is too late for me. The moment I stopped fighting against it, the moment I became aware of your shared feelings, everything else ceased to matter.”

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