Page 124 of Resorting to Romance

~ Bertrand Russell

Istare out at the ocean, considering Chloe’s challenge.

What’s the real reason I’m hesitating with Kai?

My voice is softer when I finally speak. “I’m afraid.”

“Of?” Chloe’s gentler too. She’s a powerhouse, but she knows when to dial it back.

“Of being hurt again.” I sigh. “It sounds so stupid now that I say it out loud. It’s just there’s this really deep place inside me. I don’t think I can even reach it to reason with myself. I’m so broken way down deep in this unreachable and unalterable place inside my heart—from Brad.”

I could be crying. But no tears come. Just this overwhelming numbness and resolve.

“And Noah,” I add. “He’s a big reason too. It’s a crazy time forhim and he doesn’t even know it yet. He’s about to find out Brad’s his dad. This isn’t really the time to bring a new man into his life.”

“A new man? Is that what Kai is? The dude your son just secretly invited to Bring Your Dad to School Day?”

“Right.” I scoff at myself. “Yeah. You’ve got a point. But bringing him to school and actually having to adjust to the idea of me getting into a romantic relationship with Kai are two totally different things. Also, we don’t know if Kai feels anything beyond friendship for me.”

“Beg to differ, but we’ll table that last detail.”

I nod. Then my thoughts tumble out like belongings jammed into a closet when the door flies open.

“Kai will disappoint me, Chloe. Men do. They all leave. Davis isn’t leaving you. He’s different. Besides, he sort of leaves for a living. He satisfies his escapism in spurts every time the plane lifts its wheels off the runway.”

I look over at Chloe, and it hits me. That was uncalled for. My grief and pain are making me thoughtless.

“Oh my gosh, Chlo. I’m sorry. Davis isn’t leaving you. He adores you. He totally misses you when he’s gone. I’m so sorry!”

“I know. I know. That was a slightly careless thing to say, especially for you. You’re never anything but sweet. But I get why you said it.”

Chloe’s face is so forgiving, I somehow release the guilt that was starting to swell inside me.

“It’s just …” Chloe reaches over and puts her hand on my knee. “I never knew you felt all this. You’ve been so stalwart. So back to business. I figured … I don’t know. You seemed so well-adjusted. I never knew. I should have, though. And I’m sorry I didn’t see it. No one moves on from a blow like the one Brad dealt you with the kind of finesse you mustered. Not even you.”

“You never knew that Brad gutted me? That he took my dreams with him when he left? That any thought of romance died for me the day ourdivorce was final?”

“Yeah.That. I never knew.”

Chloe stands and comes over to my chair. She squishes in next to me, and then she pulls me into a side-hug. I curl into her like a girl soaking up comfort from her mother. It occurs to me then, as it often has, how life fills in the blank spots. My mother was ripped from me at a prematurely early age, but I’ve been given Phyllis and Joan and Connie. And I have Chloe. I lost one mother and gained four women who would do anything for me, and who love me with a devotion I can only call motherly.

Chloe smooths my hair over my shoulder. “And, Mila?”

“Yeah?”

Her voice is soft like a careful whisper. “Your dad didn’t leave.”

I choke out a sob.

I tap my temple. “I know that here.”

Then I lay my hand on my heart. “But I can’t seem to get it sorted out here. All I know is that I feel like men leave. They leaveme.”

“Even Noah …” I can’t say another word after those two come out of nowhere, surprising me with their force.

I sob hard. It takes a few beats for me to even be able to speak.

“He’s going to grow up and leave me, Chloe. And I’ll be …” I sob again, sniffling from the tears. “I’ll be … alone.” I manage to get the word out between cries.

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