Page 121 of Resorting to Romance

The breeze from the ocean blows through and lifts strands of my hair, twisting them and releasing them to fall haphazardly around my face and neck. I turn so the wind caresses my cheeks.

If I could record Kai saying,Hey, in that deep, confident, calm voice, I’d play that recording on an infinite loop. Just that.Hey. It’s a word layered with familiarity, as though he’s reaching out through the phone to hold me.

Kai clears his throat. “I want you to know something.”

“Yeah?”

“I was at Noah’s school just now.”

“I know.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. I went there. I found the flyer and figured I ought to show up. I never expected you to be there.”

“Oh. Well, Noah asked me. I didn’t want you to find out about my visit from another source. And I don’t want you to think I’m keeping secrets from you. I should have asked you. I just didn’t want to burden you. I know it’s awkward at times like this, having to be both parents. And you do a phenomenal job of it. I didn’t want you to have extra stress with all you’re already dealing with bringing Brad into the picture now. When Noah asked, I said yes without a thought.”

I almost need to sit on the curb as the waves of Kai’s words wash over me. He sees me—the effort it takes to be both parents. He doesn’t think I’m weak, but he still wants to prop me up, to shoulder half the weight. And, then as if I hadn’t heard when Kai first said it, the most poignant fact of all hits me like a dulcet arrow to the heart: Noah asked Kai.

I pull myself together enough to give Kai a coherent response. “I understand why you didn’t tell me. And thank you. It means so much—that you’d go, that Noah asked you. All of it.”

“Sorry I overstepped. I can get a bit … zealous … when someone I care about needs me.”

“You think?” I tease.

“Ask Kala.”

“I won’t. Because she’s got sister-lenses when it comes to you. She wants to prove she’s capable. Most women won’t have that issue with you, Kai. We like when a man steps up. It’s a relief.”

“Most women?”

“Yeah.”

We both know what I’m really saying. But I can’t say it. If I do, I’ll crack. I’ll start begging him to be there for me from nowon. I’ll cross over lines Noah needs me to keep in place. He may have invited Kai as his Unko, but Noah doesn’t want his entire life rocked.

And with Brad here, and a plan moving forward for Noah to realize Brad is his father, I can’t be the one to selfishly bring Kai into our lives as my boyfriend. Not during a lifequake so huge as revealing Noah’s dad’s identity.

This is what moms do. We sacrifice for our children. And sometimes that sacrifice feels like a death. A death of a dream. A death of freedoms we once took for granted before motherhood. A death of loving someone so deeply it almost aches, but choosing to say no to something more. I’m letting Kai go for Noah’s sake. It’s the right thing to do.

Maybe in eleven years I’ll be able to welcome a good man into my life. By then, Kai will belong to someone else. He will. He’s too good to remain single all those years, and I’d never dream of asking him to wait, especially since I don’t even know for sure whether he feels more than friendship for me. Though, sometimes I suspect he does.

It doesn’t matter what he feels or what I feel. All that matters is Noah. Noah deserves to be fully considered. He deserves this sacrifice.

A silence stretches between Kai and me while I ponder the reality of our situation. Maybe he forgot we’re on the phone? Got distracted? Hung up? Did he say goodbye and I missed it while I was lamenting my situation?

“Are you still there?” I ask.

“Yeah. I am. Just tell me if I ever overstep, okay?”

“I will.”

And, Mila?”

“Yeah.”

“I want you to know I’m not trying to replace Noah’s dad.”

“Okay. I do know that.”

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