Page 4 of Crossing Lines

“I can’t do this. I just can’t.”

“Hey, listen to me. You can. You’re not alone. We’ll all be here for you. And for Trace. This is going to be a huge adjustment for you both.”

“You don’t understand, I don’t want to have kids. I can’t do it.” She looked me in the eyes and after a moment, her gazesoftened. “I can’t do it!” I repeated; this time my voice sounded broken even to my ears.

“Stel,” she tightened her grip on my hand, “Women have babies everyday?—”

“I know that!” I snarled, trying to pull my hand free of hers. Shelby just tightened her grip and moved closer.

“They have happy, healthy babies. Some have babies that are born differently. Some have health problems, but some of them will grow up to be doctors, lawyers, and bounty hunters. You think I wasn’t scared each time I found out I was pregnant? I’m an OBGYN, Stel…I know what can go wrong. I know the statistics of this happening and that happening. They were truly the scariest moments of my life. Each time it happened I had the same panicked reaction. Scarier than my father coming after me. But you know what beats all that? Knowing that Charlie and I made a sweet little baby. A little piece of us both to carry on our legacy. The happiness your child will bring you will outweigh the worry and unease. You just have to give it time.”

I shook my head, my eyes filling with tears. The sob that broke free scared me. My body shook as her arms went around, encasing me.

“Oh, Stel, it’s going to be alright. I promise. We will get through this. You’re not alone.”

I pulled back from her, taking a deep breath and shaking my head again. She didn’t get it. No one could possibly understand what was happening to me right now. No one.

I pushed away from her, wiped my eyes, and hurried from the exam room. I needed to—God, I didn’t even know what to do.

Did I keep it? Could I trust myself to go through with this…could I have a baby?Would I even survive being pregnant?

Withthatquestion rolling through my head, I climbed into my truck, started the engine, and sat; my mind was all over the place. A child—pregnancy—means so many unknowns. Iwouldn’t be able to work a bounty with the guys. A pregnant bounty hunter…Jesus! I wouldn’t be able to do anything. I wasn’t like Shelby or any of the others. I couldn’t do all of what they did and raise a kid.

Though, hadn’t I already? Carter had turned out pretty good, I guess. He was alive, had all of his limbs, fingers, toes…his own teeth, so I could take that as a win.

I was only twelve when he was born. Dad was busy working, and the jerks were all off in school or working themselves, so it was just me and Carter most of the time.

I wiped my eyes again and put the truck in gear. I needed to clear my head and truly think about this. I wasn’t one to just go with the flow, nor did I want to do something just because everyone else expected me to.

This was my body, my choice, right?IfI really was pregnant, and I had a feeling Shelby was right. I didn’t think she would actually pull a trick this cruel on me or anyone else. The look of pain that had crossed her features when I’d thought she was joking cut deep. She had never lied to me before.

That was a truth I could grab hold of.

There was more to consider here. Could I take this away from Trace? Would he forgive me if I did? I wasn’t about to try and keep a secret like this from him, but on the other hand, I wasn’t sure I was mentally ready for such a commitment. What if something happened to me? What if…what if I died? Mama had. If I died, I’d leave my baby and the man I love alone. They’d have no one to take care of them. Would that be fair to either of them? It wasn’t fair to us when Mama died. She was taken away so quickly with no warning. Not only from me, Daddy, and the older boys, but from Carter. He didn’t get to have a real mother.

I had been driving on automatic pilot, not really sure of where I was going until I pulled into the old cemetery. The tears started again. I drove up the path and stopped at the small plotof headstones in the back corner. I hopped down from the truck and ambled over to the seating area that sat before my mama’s marker in our family plot. The tears I’d been fighting to hold back fell harder as I flopped down on the metal and wood bench.

Sobbing, I pulled my feet up and wrapped my arms around my legs, cocooning myself and muffling my cries. I felt like I was in a lose-lose situation. If I kept the baby and something went wrong, or something happened to me—I didn’t want to leave Trace and my family. I didn’t know if I could handle something being wrong with the baby. I saw the hurt and pain Lori had at losing her daughter, and then there was Katie. Her daughter had a heart condition that, thanks to surgery, was better, but look at the years of hurt and pain she’d had to endure before that happened. Not to mention that sweet little girl’s pain.

I was not strong enough to handle something like that.

My gut started to churn.

“Mama…” I choked out. I turned to lean my cheek against my knee and let out a shaky breath. “What do I do? Please, I can’t do this without you.”

I let the tears wash out my vision until I saw nothing but blurs moving before me. Then my anger started to churn. and I lost what little sanity I had.

“You should be here for this! You should’ve been here for it all!” I stood, my anger—my defense mechanism—bringing me back to myself. “You left us! You left me! Why? What in the hell was wrong with me that you had to leave? I needed you, Mama. I fucking need you now, and you’re not here!”

I fell to my knees before her headstone, my hands going out to either side of the image embedded in the marble. Her bright smile and fiery red hair gleamed back at me. It made my heart hurt even more. She’d been taken from me…from us while giving birth to Carter.

What if that happened to me?

That question kept rolling around in my head.

I sat there, my knees pressing into the wet grass. My pant legs getting wetter by the second—I was sure my boots were digging into the grass, but I didn’t care. I wanted answers that I’d never be able to get from her. She was gone. My world hasn’t been the same since that day.

I loved Carter, more than anything, but right now, I wasn’t sure I understood why.

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