Page 76 of Falling

“They’re the same thing,” she argues.

“You’re trying to distract me, and it’s not working,” I say, and she shrugs, taking another bite of her food. “What are you doing here?”

“I came here to talk to you,” she says.

“Yeah? Well, my girlfriend lefthoursago, and she saw you, and you’re still here,” I say, crossing my arms against my chest.

“Girlfriend?” Her jaw drops open, as dramatic as ever, and I sigh. “Okay, we have a lot to catch up on.” Then her facial expressions change, a crease forms between her eyebrows, and she points at me. “No, we don’t. I’m mad at you. That’s why I’m here to talk some sense into to you.”

“What have I done now?”

“Miles, you’ve not spoken to me, or Mom and Dad inmonths.We’re worried about you,” she whispers, checking the street like she doesn’t want anyone to hear.

“Well, stop worrying. I’m fine,” I say, my voice rough.

“Yeah, I can see that,” she says, gesturing to bruises on my face. She heaves out a sigh, and we just stare at each other for a second. “Get in the car. I’m going to talk and drive. That good?”

She gives me a stern look, and I know better than to say no. She’s my sister for God’s sake, and I’m still a little terrified of her. I’ve spent way too long avoiding her and my problems at home. She’s done nothing but stick by me, even when she dropped that bombshell.

We barely make it out of my neighborhood before she says, “I didn’t tell you about Mom because I was trying to protect you.” I guess we’re going straight into this. She glances at me, and Inod for her to continue talking. I know she doesn’t want to talk about this as much as I do, but the fact that she’s here is more than what I would have done if I were in her situation. “I found out in the worst way possible. I was going into the school to surprise her for her birthday, like we had planned the week before. I had just started college, and you were still at school, so we planned that I’d go in with flowers and chocolates, remember?”

I swallow, nodding. To me, that was just a regular tradition that we did every year. “I remember.”

“Well, when I got there, she was kissing him. You know, Jean Claude. I guess they forgot I was coming, and I didn’t even recognize him at first. I thought maybe Dad had gotten a new haircut or something, and I realized it wasn’t him when I got closer.”

Her hands tighten on the steering wheel before she lets out a breath.

“What did you do?” I ask, my voice a lot smaller than I thought.

She shrugs. “I did what any eighteen-year-old who had just caught their mom cheating would do. I burst through the door and yelled at her. She told Jean Claude to leave, and she sat me down. I was furious, so it took me a while to process it, but she apologized and told me that it wasn’t Dad’s fault, and it wasn’t any of our faults either.”

I nod, but I say, “That doesn’t explain why you didn’t tell me.”

“I didn’t want to, Miles,” she sighs, dropping her shoulders and resting her head against the headrest. “Mom told me to. She said that I could tell you if I wanted and she wouldn’t hold it against me, but I chose not to. I know you, baby bro. I knew it would crush you and set you back. You were only a kid, and I didn’t want you to spend the rest of your life hating her. Not like I did.”

That last part is the only thing I remember. I remember when they'd argue constantly and they’d go days, and sometimes weeks, without speaking to each other. I was told that it was just because Clara had moved out and it was regular teenage daughter stuff.

I don’t have the energy in me to make a snarky comment. To make it out like it’s her fault when clearly that isn’t the case anymore. If I found out then, Iwouldhave hated her. I would have held onto it, used it against her in any way I could, and I still wouldn’t be over it.

When I know something, it consumes me. It becomes all I think about, and there’s no way of telling when I’d get over it.

I clear my throat, and she looks over at me when we get to a stop sign. “So how did you do it? How did you forgive her?”

“It helped that I was at college. If I still lived at home, I don’t think I would have done it so easily,” she explains. “I just had to let go. I had to move on with my life. I had goals that were bigger than this one setback. At the start, I was angry, and I wasn’t sure when I’d stop thinking about it, but I had to. It was the only way I’d be able to move on with everything else in my life.”

“I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to let things go,” I admit, running my hands through my hair.

She gives me a sad smile. “I know you don’t, and that’s why I couldn’t tell you. Do you remember that one action figure you had? The one with the interchangeable outfits?” I nod, and she continues. “You had it with youall the time.At one point, I tried to tell Mom you needed to go see a therapist. You had it in your stroller, you held onto it while you were potty training, and you brought it with you to your first day of kindergarten. It was old and moldy by the time you were nine, and do you remember what happened when Dad tried to throw it away?”

I hold back my laughter. “I screamed at him and said I’d run away if he didn’t give it back to me.”

“Exactly, because you couldn’t let it go, Miles. You convinced yourself that you needed it to survive, that you wouldn’t be able to do anything without it, but when you got a new pair of skates, you moved on, and that became your new obsession. Or hyper-fixation.” She shrugs, waving her hand about before turning a corner. “That’s why I thought if I waited to tell you, you’d be more open to forgiving her. I thought you’d find it easier to move on, but with Carter… I understand that things are hard for you right now, which is why I want to be there for you. I don’t want you to push me away because of some stupid decision I made when I was eighteen.”

I nod because it seems like the only thing I can do to stop myself from crying. “I want you to be here for me too,” I admit, and she smiles. “Do you think that’s why I can’t get back on the ice without thinking about Carter? It feels like the entire team has moved on and I haven’t.”

“I think that’s a completely different thing, Miles. Losing someone is a very difficult thing to go through, and everybody deals with it in different ways. I don’t think you need to worry about how long it takes you because it’s not something you just wake up and move on from,” she says softly.

“Everyone else has, Clara. I can’t even put on my helmet without feeling like I’m suffocating,” I whisper. I don’t know when the tears started to fall, but any time I even think about him, it all wells up inside me, and I’m one nice comment away from breaking down. I swipe at them furiously, and Clara notices.

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