Page 44 of Falling

“Good night, baby,” he whispers before turning on his heels.

When I slip into bed later that night, I feel lighter.

I’m trying to convince myself that these sorts of panicking feelings just happen. They aren’t going to determine my life and this fake relationship. I tried to get rid of all those feelings in the shower, but my hands still shake a little when I reach for my phone.

When I unlock it, it’s flooded with followers and tags. I knew Miles was popular, but I didn’t know the extent of it until now.

Fucking hell.

Is he secretly a prince or something?

I’ve got follows on Instagram from people who I’ve never spoken to before and likes from the people who shunned me after regionals. A strange sensation runs through my body when I click on Miles’s profile, and there it is.

The most recent post in his grid is a picture of me in the diner we went to: a candid of me nudging around my fries as I look down at them, my hair almost covering my face, but you can tell it’s me. I don’t know how I missed him taking the photo. I look over it again, taking note of what I can see before my eyes wander down to the caption.

Eating bad fries in the middle of nowhere with my girl ??.

My heart bottoms out.

Jesus Christ.

My girl?

Why do those two words make my heart stop? They shouldn't. He doesn’t mean it, obviously, but I don’t hate the feeling of pretending he did. I wander down to the comments, which are a mixture ofYou guys are so cute, When did this happen? andWho is she? From this picture alone, I’ve gained a shit ton of followers.

Despite the setback today, things might be finally looking up for me.

When sleep pulls me under, I have the biggest and most ridiculous smile on my face.

15

MILES

FAKE BOYFRIEND PERKS

I didn’t knowhow lonely I was until I felt what it's like to be around Wren. Even with all her walls, being with her feels less empty than being alone.

I used to have Carter for that. We were inseparable, always together, whether it was on the ice or just hanging out. He was more than a best friend—he was like a brother. We had this tradition of getting burgers at Joe’s Diner after every game, win or lose. We’d sit there for hours, analyzing every play, arguing over missed shots, and laughing about the stupid stuff that happened during practice.

I’ve spent so much time alone since then, sinking into this dark hole. But Wren—she’s like this unexpected light. She makes me feel less alone. Even though she’s guarded, her presence is comforting.

Now, I feel like smashing my head against the wall out of boredom.

Every day after classes, I’ve gone home and done nothing. Going to the rink feels like the stupidest thing I could do because whenever I see my teammates I can just see the empty space whereCarter used to be. The rink feels so empty without him, like a part of me is missing. Every time I laced up my skates, I’d see him there, grinning like an idiot, ready to take on the world. There’s this deep, unsettling feeling that I get whenever I consider going to skate, knowing he’s not here anymore.

I see him in everything, and when I don’t have anything to distract myself from, I start to feel myself slipping back into old habits. I can’t go back there. I’ve been working hard with Wren in the gym, and I don’t think I’ve been in better shape. I can’t fuck that up now because I’ve had a couple of bad days.

It isn’t helping that I’ve not gotten a call from either of my parents or my sister. I can’t blame them. I shut them out completely after what happened, and I can’t stomach the thought of talking to them again like everything is fine when it’s so far from it.

I put myself out of my misery and throw on jeans and a hoodie and jump into my car. I connect my phone to the Bluetooth and put on the playlist that I’ve started to put together for Wren.

Okay, it’s not for her, but it’s also… for her.

It’s just songs that not only remind me of her, but songs that I know she likes from going to the gym and hearing them on repeat. I know she hates my usual music taste, so I’ve altered it so it fits more of the music she likes, but it’s still got me written all over it.

When I’m not on the ice, I love discovering new music. Carter and I would have a pre-game pump-up playlist, and it was our own superstition that we were sure would guarantee the win. Now, just hovering over that playlist makes my stomach flip.

I put onJump Then Fall, by Taylor Swift, and it immediately puts me in a good mood as I drive around my side of town, desperately trying not to go straight to Wren’s apartment.

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