Page 50 of Falling

My heart lurches in my throat at the vulnerability in that one sentence. “You’re not pathetic.”

“I’m a fucking mess,” he mutters, finally looking up at me. His eyes are red and swollen, and I’m struck by the pain that’s etched into his features. “I can’t even put on my helmet or my jersey without feeling like I’m going to throw up. Everything I do just makes me feel like I can’t breathe, and even when I try, it’s not enough. I try not to think about him. I try not to think about the last game we had together, but it’s the only thing on my mind. Everywhere I go, he’s right there, and I’m not doing enough to make him proud. I’m just walking around with a hole in my heart, and I don’t know how to get it to go away.”

My hands shake as I reach for his face. I hover over his cheek, and he presses himself into me like he needs my warmth. He closes his eyes, tears still spilling down his cheeks and onto my hand as I cradle his face.

“Things like this don’t just go away,” I whisper, swiping my thumb under his eye. “You’re allowed to think about him. You’re allowed to be upset, or angry, oranything,because everything you feel right now is valid.”

He takes in a shuddery breath, and it breaks my heart. “I just want it to stop.”

“What do you want to stop?”

“The pain. I keep feelingeverythingall at once, and it’s like it just keeps festering in me and getting worse instead of getting better. I have moments where everything feels okay and then it just comes crashing down on me and I just—” His voice cracks. “I don’t know if I can handle it anymore. I know I shouldn’t think like that, but I can’t help but think it would be better if I wasn’t here. If it was me that went instead of him. He didn’t deserve what happened to him, and it would be so much easier if it was me. Maybe then?—”

“What makes you think you deserve that?” I ask, my own voice heavy with emotion. He shrugs, more tears falling. “Miles, what happened to Carter should never have happened. Just because he’s gone, doesn’t mean that you should have taken his place. You’re still here for a reason, and you’re going to continue making him proud on and off the ice.”

“He deserves a better friend than I am being right now, Wren,” he says, throwing his head back and trying to collect himself before facing me head-on. “I should be playing with our team right now, and I can’t even do that. Do you know how hard it is for me to eventhinkabout hockey without thinking about him?”

I shake my head. “I don’t think I could ever understand what you’re going through, but that doesn’t mean you should be alone. You can always talk to me about whatever you’re feeling, and I’m never going to judge you. You’re an amazing player, Miles, and the team is always going to be there for you when you make your way back.”

He lets out a self-deprecating laugh. “You’ve never seen me play.”

I lift one shoulder before dropping it. “I watched a few of your game tapes.”

“You watched my games?”

I smile. “Research.”

“Research,” he echoes, a smile playing on his lips. As if he’s just realized I’ve been stroking his face, his fingers circle around my wrist, his thumb rubbing against my skin. “Thank you for being here.”

“Of course,” I say, wiping away the last of the tears. “You don’t have to do anything until you’re ready. If you want to just sit here and stare at the ice until security kicks us out, we can do that.”

“Yeah?” he asks, swallowing.

I nod, brushing my thighs before I stand. “Yeah.”

I sit on the bench next to him. He rests his hand on the inside of my thigh, his touch one of the most calming and grounding presences of my life. I drop my head to his shoulder, and he sighs like there has been a weight lifted from him. I feel a sense of peace wash over me. It’s like the weight of the world feels that much less when he’s around, and I know he can feel it, too. All that’s left is this moment, and we spend hours just listening to the gentle hum of the empty arena, holding each other until the storm passes.

17

WREN

STUPID, HORNY, AND STUPID

Miles

I’ve got a game coming up in two weeks that I’m thinking about sitting in on. Wanna come?

Will I have to pretend I know how hockey works while I’m there?

Miles

I can teach you, baby.

I won’t be going anywhere if you keep calling me that.

Miles

Arguing feels like foreplay to me, so please, keep going.

---