Page 105 of Falling

I almost choke on my food. “What?”

“Yeah, she told me a few weeks ago. It was just after we went to the game, and I was planning on telling her after my show. Then my mom missed half of my performance, pissed me off, and I didn’t tell her, so now we're here.” She gestures to our surroundings. “Pity trip.”

I’m quiet for a minute, and I have no idea what to say. I can’t imagine having that weight on your shoulders. She looks out at the crowds of people, smiling softly at the music playing.

“Do you want to know what the worst part is? She didn’t even think about my side of it. Austin wanted me to tell her after the showcase because she thought that if I told her, she’d have all of her focus on me and forget it. It’s like me skating trumps her getting pregnant. Like she knows that Mom would fixate on me instead of her.”

“That really sucks. I’m sorry. Do you know when you’re going to tell her?” I ask after a while.

“I don’t know,” she says, sighing and falling back deeper into her chair. “I’m hoping that Austin will suck it up and tell her herself. I can’t deal with that kind of drama. Not so close to comp season.”

“Yeah, that’s fair.”

We both dig back into our food before it gets cold, neither of us asking any questions before she sits up on her chair, her arms resting on the table, her head in her hands. “Next question.”

“They just get worse,” I say, picking up my phone to scroll through it.

“I’m a big girl, Milesy. I can handle it.”

“Okay.” I close my phone, mirroring her position. “Do you believe in love?”

“That’s easy.” She laughs, pushing her hair over her shoulder before giving me a dead look. “No.”

“What do you mean no? Youonlyread romance books.”

“Don’t get me wrong, Ilovelove. Does it exist? Sure. But do I want it? Definitely not.”

Her candor shocks me. This whole time, I thought she was a romantic underneath all the stubbornness. A hopeless one at that. I thought that after reading all those romance books, she’d aspire to that. That she would crave it.Hopefor it at least. She looks out to the band again as they playAt Lastby Etta James.

“I love the idea of love. The way it’s written about in books and movies. But actually, being in love—it’s scary. It’s all-consuming. Falling in love is so easy, but it’s just as easy to fall out of it or for it not to work out. My parents did. They acted like everything was fine. They went on pretending. And then one day, it was just gone. All the sparks, all the reasons they had to stay together just ceased to exist. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be constantly waiting for the day my partner doesn’t want me anymore. The torture. The anticipation. I just couldn’t live like that.”

“I don’t think you should be scared. It’s a powerful thing, being in love. We’re young, and we’re going to feel things that are more than lust, and sometimes, the only word to describe that is love.”

“Have you ever been in love, Miles?”

I swallow. “No,” I say.

What I really want to say is:I’ve never been in love, but the more time I spend with you, the more time I spend getting to know you, the more I feel like you’re going to be my first and only love.

“Neither have I,” she admits. She turns to me now, tears lining her eyes. “We use the word love for everything. Ilovemy friends. Ilovemy shoes. Ilovethis food. It doesn’tmeananything anymore. Can’t there be something that has the same meaning, carries the same weight but doesn’t feel indefinite? Binding. Something that doesn’t have to tie you down to that person and suddenly change everything. When you’re in love with a person romantically, you can’t go back. But when you change your mind, it becomes a big thing. But I guess that’s what people want though. Something tangible to change in their relationship. To make it more serious or some shit.”

We both look at each other for an extended moment. The way her brain works blows my mind, and I'm obsessed with it. I want her brain. Her mind. Her everything. Anything that she’s willing to give me.

She doesn’t look away from me as she says, “If I ever feel anything remotely close to being in love, I just want toexistwith that person. I don’t want to ruin it by binding us together by a word. An emotion.”

I'm shell-shocked for a minute, not sure what to say. This girl has flipped around nearly every single thought that I had about her. I finally muster up the courage to ask, “Does that mean you were never in love with Augustus?”

She shakes her head. “I knew he loved me, and I appreciated it. I knew I had some strong feelings for him, but I definitely didn’t love him.”

I nod. “Do you think you feel this way about love because you feel like you don't trust it or because you don't deserve it?”

“Both?”

“Well, that's bullshit, Wren. You're worthy of everything good in this world.”

Her eyes shine. “Even love? Even if it breaks my heart?”

“Especiallylove,” I say, “even if it breaks your heart.”

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