Page 61 of Matched

“Yeah, I mean, look at what Jim and I went through.” Taya shoves a breadstick in her mouth and rolls her eyes.

Part of the reason I signed up for the Issued Partner Program to begin with was because of those two. After the fiasco at their wedding, I’d pretty much given up on dating. Then one day while I was at Taya’s house, she was video chatting with Jim. At the beginning of the call, his eyes were droopy, and a deep frown marred his face. Then after five minutes of talking to his wife, he became all toothy grin and big dimples. It was adorable. So, I figured maybe science and the committee were the way to go. The proof was in front of me.

But it wasn’t always that way for Jim and Taya. There was a lot of heartache there too.

“I know things were rough for you guys to begin with.” I raise my voice so she can hear me over the sudden “I Want It That Way” flashback playing over the loudspeakers, with a tipsy woman on stage, swaying and belting out the song.

Taya picks up another breadstick and starts breaking it into pieces. “Things were seriously rough. There were so many nights we wouldn’t talk, even as we lived under the same roof. The first months were hard, and for a minute, I thought it was over too. We had our own big fights, but then we started clicking. We got each other. Now look at us. It all takes time.”

“And look, honey, don’t even get me started on all the fights Bear and I have had. The road we traveled to get to the marriage we have now was a bumpy one for sure. You gotta give it some time. And be kind to yourself. This is new. You guys jumped straight in. You might have had an idea what being with a SEAL was like, but it’s different once it starts.” Marge lifts her glass and doesn’t just take a sip of her wine, but a big damn gulp.

Both of them were right. If things were going to get better, it was not going to happen overnight, but at this point, Tony doesn’t seem interesting in trying. I twist my glass in circles by the stem. “It’s just hard to know we left things how we did.”

“Yeah, well, trust me, I’m sure there will be more moments like that. I mean, have you seen them? Aside from Bear”—Taya looks over at Marge—“they’re like a bunch of feral dogs. They’re easily jumpy and just as feisty.” At Taya’s comment, all three of us start busting up laughing, and we have to quiet ourselves down because the person now singing “Ironic” from Jagged Little Pill seems to think we are laughing at her.

“Thanks, you two. This night is actually making me feel a lot better, like I’m finally out of my head. Hearing someone belt out nineties flashbacks is really refreshing,” I say just as someone gets on stage to sing Nickelback.

Taya flings a small piece of breadstick at me. “Good. I’m happy you got out a bit. And when Tony comes back, maybe just try to talk to him. He’ll be fresh out of training, and some time away might have given him space to think.”

I smirk in response and lift my wineglass to my lips. There’s only a small bit left but I swing the glass back and let the red coat my throat. “Well, at this point, by the time he gets home, he’s going to have to come looking for me. You know he has not texted, or called, or anything since the moment he walked out that door?”

Marge and Taya look at each other with wide eyes.

I set the glass down on the table a little too hard and huff. “He’s angry and I get it. But he’s been gone two weeks. And every day that passes makes the stabbing feeling in my chest worse.” I try not to think about how many times I check my phone each hour when I’m home alone. “You know I spent so much time avoiding turning into my mother, but maybe I should have embraced it.”

“Don’t say that. You and she have very different lives to lead.” Marge pats my hand and leans in when she speaks.

“I am tired of relationships. I am done with love.” As the words fall out of my mouth, my heart plummets into my stomach. I always thought of myself as someone who knows what she wants in a relationship. But lately I am beginning to have doubts. As much as I care about Tony, how can I be with someone who can so easily leave me and not look back? I have talked about my mother as someone who made all the wrong choices, but at least she avoided all the heartache coursing through me. She did not have to waste time trying to teach a man how to love her the way she wanted to be loved, or how to open up to her.

“I understand, but don’t limit your future because you’re hurting right now.” Taya leans over and gives me a big hug.

Her words ring true. Of course pain is influencing what I say and do. And I’m a bit tired of it. So, I jump off the stool. “Okay, look, I think we have had enough of this absolutely god-awful relationship talking. We came here to sing and I want to sing.”

I rush over to where the list is and immediately find a song I want to sing—Marina and the Diamonds’ “How to Be a Heartbreaker.” I don’t know what things will look like when Tony gets back, but I don’t want to keep sitting around waiting for a love who isn’t sure if he wants me. Yes, I love Tony, but I deserve better than that. And if he can’t see it? Well, then there’s truly nothing I can do to salvage our marriage.

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