Page 47 of Matched

I look down at her lying on me after really, truly, talking, and everything just feels so good. This year is going to break me in a whole new way. Has Inara thought about us beyond the year? I shake my head. That wasn’t part of the deal. If anything, maybe we can stay close friends after the annulment.

I kiss the top of her head and breathe in the scent of her shampoo. “Now what about you? Is there anything you want to tell me that you haven’t?”

She’s making circles on my stomach with her finger. “I guess...”

“Whatever you want to tell me is good.”

“Well, part of why I signed up for the program was because of how I grew up, like with all my stepdads. When I was younger, my mom went through a lot of relationships. She would meet someone, they’d be in love, and then a wedding would happen so fast. And then months later, the falling apart would start. My mom’s never really been an open book. So I think, once she started feeling unhappy, she just shut down. She didn’t talk, didn’t try to fix things. She just broke it off.”

All this must be part of why my wife’s so willing to work hard at our marriage, even if it is only a year. She doesn’t want to be the cause of us failing. The thought twists something in my chest. “That must have been rough. I’m sorry you went through that, Inara.”

Her breathing quickens and her voice quivers. “It was. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my mom. But she messed up a lot.”

I move my hand to stroke her hair and wait for her to keep talking.

She starts again after taking a deep breath. “A lot of those relationships probably could have worked. Like, I think, one for sure could have. But she wasn’t willing to try. She didn’t open up. She didn’t talk to them. She just let it fall apart. She’s a failure at relationships, Tony.”

Inara sits up suddenly and looks at me. Her eyes are wet with the possibility of tears. “I’m so worried I’ll be like her. I’m so worried I’ll be a failure at love. And I think that’s a big reason why I applied to the program. If I haven’t been able to figure out my own love life by now, then maybe someone else can match me up better than I can. I don’t want to be like her.” She reaches up to brush away a tear that has made its way down her soft cheek.

“Hey, hey, I’m sorry if I pushed you to talk about stuff you didn’t want to talk about.” I sit up, pull her into me close, and hold her as she trembles.

“No, I wanted you to know, I wanted to tell you all of this.” She wipes her face and rolls her eyes at herself. “Sorry I’m so emotional.”

“I’m glad you told me. And don’t apologize, you’re fine.” I push a stray curl behind her ear. “And I don’t think you will fail at love. Look at how much work you’ve put into us!” I motion to the blankets around us and to the room. “You mentioned your mom never communicated, never tried, but from the moment I met you, you’ve been pretty open and direct with me. Even now, you didn’t have to tell me all of this, but you did.”

“I guess you’re right. It’s just hard knowing none of my relationships have worked so far.” Her mouth twists and she squeezes her eyes shut. “God, like that last guy. That was so awful.”

“You mean, the married pendejo? From Jim and Taya’s wedding?”

She shudders and wraps her arms around herself. “I can still hear that woman screaming they were married and how he’d lied. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. I swear, it was like having an out-of-body experience. Thank God you were there to drag me away. I still feel guilty. I should have known, somehow. We barely dated, but he always had to meet me out somewhere, was always checking his phone.”

I shake my head and cup her cheek. “Hey, don’t do that. This is on him. He’s the one who lied—to both of you.”

For the sake of my career, I hope I never lay eyes on that guy again because I don’t think there’s enough willpower in the world to keep me from beating his ass. I don’t want Inara blaming herself for anything. Not for what that pendejo did, and not for her mom’s broken marriages either. If we don’t stay together, will she think of herself as a failure like her mom? My heart twists as bile creeps up the back of my throat. I’m unsure how to soothe her, so I pull her in close and hug her. “You’re with me now. I got you.”

She giggles. “Well, now that I’ve orgasmed and cried, guess we should go to sleep.” Inara turns toward me and lifts her hand to my face, pulling me in and planting a soft kiss on my lips. “Tony, I’m really happy you told me about your mom.”

“Me too.”

“Goodnight, Tony.” She shifts positions and scoots back against me and fuck me if it isn’t the best feeling in the world. One I can’t imagine losing.

“Goodnight, Inara.”

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