Not one to ignore an opening, my father dives into the silence, as if hoping to fill it before I come to my senses and hang up. “It’ll be a memorial, but more than that, the proceeds will go to cancer research. Maybe talk to some of your friends on base, ask if they’d like to be a part of it? It would be a big help.”
“Why not have it closer to home?” It’s not that I don’t care about cancer research, because of course I do. I’d do just about anything to keep other people from going through the same hell we went through. Anything but face the soul-shredding emotions that my involvement in this event will be sure to bring on. I drop back onto the couch, dig the fingers of my free hand into the cushion, and twist. “Why drag yourself all the way out here?”
“Mi hijo, you’ve pushed us away for long enough. I gave you time to grieve, and I know it won’t erase what happened, but I think it’s time we reconnect.” He pauses, takes a deep breath that I hope means he’s done, and then plunges on. “I wasn’t there for you right after your mom’s death, I know that.” Even over the phone, the genuine remorse in his words hurts. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t the best I could have been. But I want to try harder now. Your sisters and I want to see your home, your city. We want to do this there, around your new family and friends. We want to be part of your life.”
“Apá, I appreciate that...” In a perfect world, having family around for support would be great. If things work out with Inara and me, I’m sure she’d want to meet my family. But life’s rarely perfect and I’ve got a full boat of issues staring me in the face right now as it is. I mean, how do I explain my temporary marriage to a dad whose wife was his everything? “But I don’t know if I’m ready.”
I pause, take a deep breath, guilt settling with my decision. Apá’s grief may have made it so he hadn’t been there for us right after her death, but I can’t say the man didn’t try. He’d kept his business going. He’d made sure to provide for us. I have to respect that. I can’t cut him out forever. “I promise, I’ll think it over.” Which probably doesn’t sound like much, but it’s the biggest concession I’ve made to him since I moved away.
We wrap up the conversation, I tell him we’ll talk again soon, then put the phone away. My father knows I might not call, and I know he won’t push me on the fundraiser. But maybe doing the fundraiser will help a bit. Taking an active part in an event to honor Mamá’s memory would be a kind of closure.
“Tony?” Inara’s voice cuts through the air.
My heart leaps into my throat. I didn’t even notice her come back out of her bedroom and there’s no telling how much she heard. Not that I need this to be some big secret, but I don’t know that I’m ready to tell her all about my family.
She studies me with wide eyes that catch me right beneath my ribs and fill me with an urgent need to soothe her. Part of me wants to talk to her right here, to tell her everything, while the other part wants to evade. Why would I tell her my entire life sob story when in less than eleven months from now, we’ll be going our separate ways? And I’m not ready to be so vulnerable, especially in front of the person I...
I freeze.
I... what?
My brain tries to shape the word, but I don’t allow it. I can’t.
“Is everything alright?” She steps toward me, reaching out, but pulls her hand back when I flinch.
I’m suddenly like a wild animal, except instead of a steel claw, I’m trapped by the confusing emotions she’s arousing with her concern.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I don’t think I’m convincing anyone, but thankfully she follows my lead and drops it.
“Okay. Just... if you need to talk, I’m here. You still good to volunteer with my stepdad?”
Bennett. Shit. Somehow in the span of thirty minutes, I’d managed to forget all about the community building project. “Yeah. I’ll be there when my job offers me the opportunity to be. Not a nine-to-five, after all.”
Now I’m just spitting out whatever comes to mind to push her away, to insert a little more space between us. I think it’s working because her brown eyes go a little frosty. She straightens and steps back, folding her arms over her chest. “Got it.”
And now I’m a total jackass. Okay. Slow down. It’s not Inara’s fault that my dad called and stirred up some emotions that I’d rather not acknowledge. I shove that part of my life back into its box and tuck it away. Best to keep the past in the past. Right now my wife is asking me to help underprivileged families have affordable places to live. This, I can do.
“Sorry, I’m just tired.” After the emotional rollercoaster that was my dad’s call, more like exhausted, but that’s why my best course of action is not to think about it and focus on something else. “I promise, I’ll make sure I get over there to help.”
“Thank you,” she says again as her rigid posture relaxes, and the renewed gratitude in her voice both warms my heart and makes me a little jittery.
But at the end of the day, I’m happy to help.
I just need to make sure I check caller ID from now on before I answer the phone.