Page 30 of Assigned

Inara waves a careless hand in the air. “Yeah, when it’s someone else’s husband. But when it’s your own... you’ll be in the same boat as me, wondering where your common sense went.”

“How are things going with Lucas?” Marge asks.

I slouch a bit and fiddle with the napkin in front of me. “They’re going.”

“Can’t be as bad as Jim and I were at first. We fought so much when we first moved in together. Two total strangers trying to make heads or tails of a crazy situation.” Taya takes a sip of her coffee, then puts it down. “Though, you two dated in the past, right?”

Hoo boy. Here we go. If only I knew what they already know, what Lucas has told them or any of the men. “When we were kids.”

I’m grateful for the temporary distraction of the server bringing over our food, but even after I take a bite of my toast, the women are all staring at me. Guess they want more info. I search my brain for the most bare-bones version of our history. “We dated in high school. Broke up during senior year.”

“Kind of like Bear and me. We dated in high school. I got pregnant, thanks to having too much fun at the senior prom. We split up after our oldest daughter was born but made our way back to one another.” Marge smiles and her whole face lights up from the inside. “Sometimes you never know where the future will bring you.”

“That man was lost without you. Still would be. He worships the ground you walk on.” Inara shakes her head. “And he happens to be more mature than the dingbat I got stuck with.”

Marge elbows her. “And you love him.”

Inara grins ear to ear. A similar light to the one that shines on Marge’s face is shining on hers. “I do.”

It would be nice to feel like that, to have the thought of someone light up my face, to have someone who can drive me up the wall only for me to laugh about it with friends. But the fact is, that will never happen for me. I know that now. It’s not like I haven’t tried. Truthfully, who would want to spend their life with a person who will get sick off and on for the rest of their life? I wouldn’t want to burden anyone with my illness and the struggles it causes. I can barely deal with it on my own most days. And the kind of person who would want that is probably the kind of person who would want to wrap me up in Bubble Wrap and put me on a shelf. Like my parents.

I pick at the piece of toast, popping a section of the crust into my mouth.

Taya must have seen some of what I’m feeling on my face. “Riley, you can talk to us. This life isn’t easy. Forget the program. Wait until the guys get deployed or go on training missions.” Taya takes a bite of her Danish and continues once she swallows. “It can be the loneliest feeling in the world.”

“Not to mention raising the children by yourself.” Marge thunks her coffee mug down with a bit too much force, sloshing a bit onto the table. “You’ll learn to unstop toilets and how to mow the lawn and to fix the damn mower when it breaks, among other things you’d never thought you’d be doing.”

“And that’s just the day-to-day stuff. Because there’s also the danger. Jim’s been hurt, had a severe TBI. I think they’ve all been shot at least once.” Taya stops and takes a deep breath, then looks down at her son. “They even had a former teammate who was killed.”

I suck in a sharp breath, my chest tightening. The same way it had at the beach when I came across the surfing program for the Gold Star families. Lucas could die. He could walk out the door one day and never walk back through it again. The thought claws away at my insides, and my stomach lurches. Part of it’s the Crohn’s, but the other part is thinking about what losing Lucas would mean. I set the crust of toast I was about to eat down.

Someone places her hand on top of mine. “We have each other, okay? Anything you feel, any worries, anything you need help with, just ask.”

I follow the hand up to find Inara looking at me. I nod, fighting back the tears forming. These women are kind. And strong. And they rely on one another. Not one of them is weak. How could they be? They’re taking care of their families, supporting their husbands, all while knowing they might never see them again. Do I have that type of strength in me?

Marge slaps the table. “Enough of that. Now, Riley, curious. What’s with the toast? Are you and Lucas having a bit too much fun?”

It takes me a moment to figure out what she means. The water I had been drinking goes down the wrong way and I choke. Marge quirks a brow. Holy shit. While I expected maybe a comment about what I was eating, this wasn’t the direction I’d anticipated. “Just an upset stomach,” I say, one of my usual dodges.

“Of the nine-month variety?” Inara sits back, narrowing her eyes as if analyzing my reaction.

They think I might be pregnant. I can feel the heat climbing up my cheeks, thinking about what we would need to do to get me that way. “Uh, no. We haven’t... done that yet.”

Liquid sputters and I turn my head to find Taya wiping coffee from her chin. “You two haven’t had sex yet?”

Marge slaps her on the shoulder. “Look who’s talking. You and Jim certainly took your time.”

Taya starts to protest, but I brush at some of the crumbs my toast has left on the table. “No, we haven’t. Everything’s still awkward. And his ex-wife is pushing for some sort of custody arrangement that Lucas is super unhappy about. Actually, he’s at the lawyer’s now. Figuring out what his options are.” I bite the corner of my lower lip. Maybe I should’ve kept that to myself.

“That makes sense. No wonder he’s been moody.” Inara drums her purple-painted nails against the table. “Tony said he’s been closed off, touchy even. I think those two even had some sort of fight at work the other day and they’re like brothers.”

I’m sure I’m part of the reason and my stomach twists again. No point in adding that to the conversation.

“Must be tough becoming a stepmom,” Taya says. “Hell, it’s tough being a new mom. Wait and see.”

That is not something I’m focused on. I adore Mason and love being a stepmom to him, but as far as other children go? Well, I won’t be having any. Not after all the medical procedures I’ve had. It’s too risky. With the resections I’ve had, the pressure of carrying a child could cause more harm to my intestines. Not to mention the medications that help control my Crohn’s can harm a baby. No. I’ve gone through enough. I still go through enough. Having a ready-made family is perfect for me. Mason is perfect for me. He’s a great kid. God, I hope the lawyer has some way to help Lucas in all this.

I force out a breath, my shoulders sagging. I can only imagine what the thought of losing him must be doing to Lucas. I promised Lucas we’d make this marriage work for the mandated year, make the court see Lucas was a good father. I intend to keep that promise.

I slump back in my seat, realizing keeping that promise means apologizing for shoving him away at the beach and for what I said in therapy. If the shirt shifted any more, his hand would’ve hit the scars. The fact that they’re ugly is bad enough. Having to explain them before I’m ready would be even worse. So instead, I went with that old idea that a good offense is better than a defense and pitched a fit and continued that fit right on through to the counseling appointment. Lucas isn’t the one who’s putting his pride before what’s best for a terrific little boy who deserves to have his mom and his dad in his life. That would be me.

I swallow past the lump in my throat, hoping my husband will forgive me, and return to the conversation, which has luckily moved on to exactly what Tony is doing to Inara’s bathroom.

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