Page 85 of The Light We Lost

Ilet out a shaky breath, feeling like the shards of my past had pierced through me. I’d carried the loss of our baby for years. It was heavy, draining. But I’d accepted it. I’d accepted that nothing would ever fill that void, ease that pain.

And to survive, I’d numbed it.

I’d cut out the parts of my life that once brought me joy. I’d deprived myself of the things I no longer deserved, the things I’d lost. And I’d run.

I wasn’t outrunning my pain. I wasn’t naive enough to believe I could do that.

I was outrunning hope.

Hope is dangerous. It makes you believe you’re capable of anything. No dream is too large, no distance too great. It makes you search for the tiniest flicker of light on the darkest days. Makes you get up one last time, again and again. Most of all, hope hurts.

Maybe that was why I’d run from Nolan.

He’d always given me hope. And I was not strong enough to survive the fall again.

“I think about them every day,” I whispered, not knowing if Nolan could hear me, but needing to say it anyway. “I wonder if they’d have your eyes and smile like you do. If they’d play baseball. If they’d be kind and silly. Brave.” Ileaned my head against the window, my gaze distant. “I think that’s what hurts the most. The not knowing. Not knowing where they are. If they’re happy and safe. If they . . . if they feel loved.”

It was strange, loving someone you’d never met. Part of me felt like a fraud. I hadn’t known I was pregnant until it was too late and they were gone. But I felt that love, and I felt that loss. Now I was left with this love and nowhere to put it. And that was the most confusing thing.

“I wish I could tell you I know where our baby is,” Nolan said, his voice soft. “But I promise they can feel your love, no matter the distance.”

I looked at him, and though he didn’t reach for me, I couldn’t deny the comfort I felt having him here. How good it felt to give in. “Sometimes, when I’m feeling really lost, I imagine they’re with your dad. And I know they’re taken care of.”

If Wayne knew we’d lost a baby, I didn’t know. But he wouldn’t have hesitated to love them. No one loved more than him.

Except maybe his son.

“They would’ve been so lucky to have you as a dad,” I told him, saying all the things I wished I’d told him before. “And I’m so sorry I couldn’t give that to you.”

“Indy . . . it’s not over for us.”

“It is.” I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut. This was why I’d run, why I’d stayed away. He made me want things I shouldn’t. “After I lost the baby... it was hard not to blame myself. I know the hospital said it wasn’t my fault. But how wasn’t it?Mybody failed me.” Those first few months after my loss, I’d searched tirelessly online. Looking for what I’d done wrong, what I could’ve done differently. “I got tired of not knowing, so I saw a specialist. I thought I had some sort of condition, something that caused me to miscarry. They ran some tests, but you know what they told me, Nolan?” I let out a curt laugh. “Nothing. Nothing abnormal came back at all. They assured me the miscarriage was a fluke thing. Told me it just happens.”

“I . . .” Nolan shook his head, seeming at a loss for words.

I wasalone in this.

Finally, he asked, “Isn’t that a good thing? You can still have kids—”

“No,” I cried, bringing my hands to my chest. “Don’t you see? It’s me. I’m the problem.” It didn’t matter what the doctors said, how many times they assured me it was common and there was nothing I could’ve done—I didn’t believe them. If I’d paid better attention to my body, maybe I could’ve done something. “You said it yourself. We’re not meant to have everything we want in life. And maybe this was the universe’s way of telling me I wouldn’t be a good mom. Maybe they knew it all along, and that’s why I lost the baby. It’s the only thing that makes sense.” My voice broke, and it felt as though a dam had burst within me. “Honestly, even if that wasn’t the case, and it truly was a fluke thing, I don’t know if I even want kids anymore. I don’t think I could ever take that risk again.”

It was silent again, the tension thickening between us tenfold. I stared out the window, the light of the stars far away. Today, with Winnie, I’d felt that light. Experienced how life might’ve been had it worked differently. But she was gone, home safe and sound with her family.

And I was left with the actuality of what would never be.

“What about my mom?”

I looked up then, hearing the roughness in his voice. “What—what do you mean?”

“She wasn’t a good mom. You know that. Everyone knows that.” He cracked a smile, but it broke my heart. “But she was a mom. She had kids. And she has left us and used us time and time again. So, I’m sorry, but your way of thinking isn’t working for me, baby. I refuse to believe the best woman in my life doesn’t deserve kids. If you don’t want them, that’s one thing. But you don’t deserve them? I willneverbelieve that. Indy, you deserve everything.”

I rubbed at my chest, unable to ease the ache there. Everything in me hurt, and I wanted it to go away. But I was so afraid that if it did, I’d somehow lose this baby even more. My pain was the only proof I had that they existed. That they were loved. And I was so afraid if I moved on, if I somehow found a way to heal, it would be as though I was forgetting them. Abandoning them.

I didn’t respond. There was nothing I could say to make Nolan understand. And he must’ve known that, as he slipped his keys into the ignition and started his truck. “Where are we going?” I asked, panicking as his house slipped out of view.

“I’m going to get Genny. And then we’re coming back home.”

“Nolan . . .” I stared at him in shock, afraid to let the spark of hope within me grow. “I can’t give you what you want.”

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