Page 42 of The Light We Lost

A shiver crawled up my spine, my voice a choked rasp. “You already had your turn.”

“I need another.”

“We don’t always get what we want.”

“Exactly. That’s why I said Ineedanother. It’s much more than want.”

I faltered, hearing the desperation in his voice. I’d heard it before, but never forme. I glanced down the empty hall, my heart pounding. Each beat was confirmation I’d done the right thing turning him down. It was dangerous—exciting—being here alone with him, hidden from everyone else.

I leaned against the opposite wall, keeping as much distance between us as I could manage. Nolan asked in a whisper, “How are we supposed to work through the past if you can’t even stand to be with me for more than five minutes?”

“What are you talking about? We’ve been together the entire day—”

“No, we haven’t.” His voice was low, but he spoke with enough intensity I kept my mouth shut. “You might believe otherwise, but I know you better than anyone, and I know when you’re shutting me out. Whether it’s watching what you say, wearing your headphones, or putting my own brother between us, it’s obvious you’re trying to keep me away. If that’s what you want, fine. But it’s not going to help us at all. We’re supposed to be fixing the past. Not burying it even more.”

I blinked quickly, opening and closing my mouth as I tried to come up with some sort of response. What was I supposed to tell him? How could I possibly let him in, let him see what I was feeling, when I could barely stand to feel it myself? “It’s only been a few days—you can’t expect us to be best friends already.”

“No, but I thought you’d at least be willing to try.”

I bit my lip, wanting to tell him he wasn’t trying either. But as I stared at him, saw the exhaustion in his eyes, I realized Nolan flying across the country with me had been him trying. And I’d repaid him by shutting him out.

“It’s hard for me . . . It’s just been me for years. I don’t know how to let someone in.” I’d admitted it quietly, hoping he wouldn’t hear me over the music. But from the fierceness in his gaze, he’d heard me loud and clear. Not liking how it felt like he could see beneath my skin, I added, “And yes, I invitedLevi because I thought he’d make tonight easier, but I invited him mostly for you.”

He snorted. “Yeah? Was kissing and dancing with him for me too?”

“I’ve never kissed Levi—” I shut my mouth, finally understanding why he was being like this. Why he’d been in a mood most of the night. “Are you . . . jealous?”

There were shadows cast on his face, but I could see his skin darkening along the collar of his shirt. He avoided my gaze, likely uninterested in talking about this any longer. That was too bad. He’d wanted me to let him in, so I’d let him in.

“I kissed his cheek, Nolan. His cheek.” I pointed a finger at him. “It’s not my fault you did nothing. You don’t get to be upset because you let life happen to you instead of doing something about it.”

When I saw our faces on the jumbotron, I’d frozen. I’d never wanted to crawl under my seat more than I had then. But the cheering fans and the high of the game was enough to break my fear, and it’d been second nature to lean toward Nolan. But when I caught sight of his rigid frame and the emptiness in his eyes, I’d remembered myself and leaned the other way.

Once the moment passed, I hadn’t thought of it again. Not only because it was harmless and done in good fun, but because Icouldn’tthink about it. I didn’t want to remember the sour taste in my mouth, the rejection in my heart. But now, seeing how bothered Nolan was by it, like he had any right to judge who I did or didn’t kiss . . . it made me see red.

“What more do you want from me?” I bit out, not bothering to wait for a reply, or to consider having this conversation elsewhere. “I gave you everything. My dreams, my heart, my body. I saved all my dances for you. I gave you all of me. And now, years later, afteryoulet me go—you can’t handle the fact you have to share? That maybe, just maybe, someday I’d like to kiss someone else? Dance with someone who isn’t you?”

Nolan just watched me. Was he silent because he was embarrassed? But when his lips stretched into a crooked grin, I realized how wrong I was. “Are you saying you’ve only ever been with me?”

I froze, realizing what I’d said. I opened my mouth to tell him he was delusional, but then stopped. What was the point in pretending it wasn’t true? I’d only ever been with him, big deal. He was my first boyfriend, my first everything. I wasn’t embarrassed by that. But there was something deeply vulnerable about standing in front of the only man who’d ever held my heart, knowing he couldn’t say the same. I’d never seen him with another woman, but I’d heard stories of how he bounced from girl to girl, and those were painful enough.

“Go on.” I held my chin high. “Have your fun. Tell me how pathetic I am.”

I waited, waited for him to crack a joke or laugh in my face. But he didn’t do that. No, instead he stepped toward me, giving me nowhere to run. The tips of his shoes touched mine, leaving only frail inches between us. I didn’t move, didn’t dare breathe as he leaned over me. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?” His voice was a low rasp, meant for only my ears. “Keep letting me in, Indy. I like what I see.”

He shifted, close enough his heat became my own. My mouth was dry, my chest rising in shallow breaths against his frame. I made no move to slip away from the wall, away from him. It was what I should’ve done. But I didn’t want to peel my body from his, to break the daze he watched me with, as though he truly liked what he saw.

Just when I was about to do something foolish, two men stumbled into the hall, shouting. Nolan grabbed my hand, pulling me out of the way as one of them shoved the other into the wall.

He gripped my waist, urging me out, and I would’ve let him, had I not seen a familiar face.

I twisted in his hold, searching over his shoulder. “Is that—”

“Calder Rohan. Yup.”

Shit.

I ended up doing something foolish after all.

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