Page 34 of The Light We Lost

It was quiet, but I heard the sound of a seven-year-old boy’s heart breaking regardless. “Do you think I did something wrong?”

“Never.” I hated the familiarity of this conversation, how many times we’d walked this road. I couldn’t imagine how often Nolan thought of it, questioning why his mom left. Wondering what he could’ve done to stop her from leaving. There was nothing he could’ve done. Not now, nor then.

But I doubted he’d ever believe me.

“I’m sorry for being an ass to you at the field.” He nuzzled deeper into me. “I lashed out at you, and I can’t be doing that. You deserve more, and I promise I’m going to give it to you.”

“I can handle all of you. I’m not made of glass—”

“I’m so afraid I’m going to lose everything, peaches. Every day, I’m scared I’m going to wake up and life will catch up with me and take it all away. I can’t lose—”

“You’re not going to. I won’t let that happen, and neither will you.”

“Promise?”

I let out a shaky breath, and as I stared down at my husband, I thought of a moment from a lifetime ago. We were fifteen at the time. I’d known him my entire life, but it had felt like I was meeting him for the first time. He wasn’t grinning, nor was there a fleck of joy in his eyes. Instead, loneliness had rippled through him, paired with alcohol on his breath. I imagined his reasoning fordrinking then was similar to what it was now—it was too hard to smile. Too hard to pretend he wasn’t fighting a silent battle alone. It had been dark and cold, the forest branches creaking in a way that had me wanting to run away. But I saw something there, something worth holding on to. So I stayed where I was, stayed with him.

“We’re a team, Nolan. I’m not going anywhere.”

ChapterFifteen

Indy—Now

The fresh air was killing me.

It was the only reason why I’d woken with puffy eyes and unrelenting pressure within my chest. An uncomfortable tightness lurked beneath my skin, a feeling that started the moment I’d stepped foot in Wallowpine, infecting and draining me.

Good thing I was leaving.

Grabbing my carry-on and ushering Genny into her carrier, I swept my gaze over my childhood bedroom. White wallpaper with tiny roses covered the walls, joined with posters ranging from eighties dance movies toTwilight. Splotches of green paint littered the closet doors from when I’d considered painting them but never finished. Tea lights and empty pots were strung from the ceiling, tassel curtains from the window. I’d once considered my style unique, but looking at it with fresh eyes . . . it felt chaotic. Like five different people once lived here and all wanted a say.

Confirming I had everything I needed, I slipped out of the room, ignoring the urge to glance out the window. After I’d left last night, Nolan followed me home—but instead of leaving after I flipped him off and closed the door, he’d parked at the edge of my parents’ driveway, where he had a perfect view of mybedroom window. He hadn’t stayed long, but it felt like hours as I lay on my bed, pretending he wasn’t outside. Watching. Waiting. Pretending I wasn’t doing the same thing.

I was going crazy.

“I thought you said you’d only be gone a day or two?” Dad asked, eyeing the bags in my hands as I made my way down the stairs.

“I am.” I let him grab one bag off my wrist. “I didn’t pack much. If you go upstairs, the luggage I came with is still there.”

Unfortunately, I wasn’t leaving Wallowpine forever—yet. The rivalry game was tonight, so I was flying back to attend. I needed to clear my head, and I was hoping it would give me a chance to meet with Evelyn and brainstorm what I could do to get ahead in earning this job. If last night had reminded me of anything, it was not to put my fate in anyone’s hands but my own. It was why I’d applied to two other agencies, wanting to be prepared in case VLA fell through.

“Then why are you taking your cat?”

I shrugged. It would be easier to leave her. I’d be back in a day or two—but Genny wouldn’t know that. “We go everywhere together.”

The corner of Dad’s lips twitched, and I could tell by the way he eyed me he thought I’d turned into one of those crazy cat ladies. “Guess I’m a little nervous this will be the last time I see you on those steps.”

I smiled, even if something in me shrunk beneath his words. He thought I was leaving, bailing before I even followed through. “I’m coming back. I’ll be here to run the diner while you’re away.” I wrapped my free arm around his waist. “But if you’re so worried, why don’t you and Mom come with me? The agency gave me two extra tickets, so you wouldn’t have to pay. You can stay at my apartment too. That way you can both make sure I come back.”

Chuckling, he slung a tattooed arm around my shoulder and led me out the front door. I fought the hurt I felt when I saw the barren flower beds, reminding myself it was no one else’s fault but my own they’d wilted and died. “As fun as that sounds, your mom and I have a few things to get done before we head out to see your sister.”

I wasn’t surprised he hadn’t said yes. Their life was here and mine wasn’t. It was better that way, but there were times I wished it was different. “Thank you for driving me to the airport.” If I’d thought it through better, I would’ve waited to fly home to Arizona until after the rivalry game. But once again, I’d let Nolan throw me off my axis.

“Of course.” Dad backed out the drive and onto the dirt road that led to town. It was barely early morning, the sky a dark gray and the stars fading. “I’d like nothing more than to spend a few hours with my daughter.”

My smile wavered. I couldn’t deny how much I’d like that too. Dad was a quiet man. Mom said he always had been, but even more so after his time in the army. He’d retired when I was in diapers, so I had no idea if what she claimed was true, but I supposed it didn’t matter. I always felt loved—even now. But our relationship had shifted. Now that we weren’t separated by thousands of miles, it was a slap to the face how much he had changed. I’d once believed he could carry the world. He was still my dad, and I was sure he’d still try, but I couldn’t help but notice the slouch of his shoulders, the wrinkles beside his eyes. The fading of his tattoos. I’d been set on growing up . . . yet somehow it hadn’t occurred to me Dad would do the same.

Not liking the pressure in my chest, I slipped my earbuds in, needing a break from my mind. Dad continued toward town, and I fought the urge to scan the forest, as though I could see what had once been a second home from here. The aspen Nolan and I used to race to like our lives depended on it. The one where everything began. With “My Tears Ricochet” by Taylor Swift playing, I closed my eyes, praying I’d fall asleep.

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