Page 32 of The Light We Lost

Brooks shook his head, and I smiled to myself, noting the small grin behind his beard. He’d never admit it, but he was happy to see me. Almost as excited as I had been when Nolan’s family walked into the stands.

Nolan had been up most of the night before, tossing and turning with nerves. I’d stayed up with him, assuring him he was capable. Despite his abilities, he’d always lacked confidence, and it had only worsened the past five months. It didn’t seem to matter how well he did; he resented himself for not being more. This wasn’t new to me—I knew the loneliest parts of him well—but it didn’t make it any easier. It was agonizing to watch someone I loved more than anything struggle to find his footing every day.

But I’d done my best to keep it hidden, to be a steady support for him. It wasn’t until Nolan was on the field and I was alone in the stands that the gravity of my own nerves hit me.

I wanted him to perform well, not because it placed value on his worth, but because I feared what would happen if he didn’t. My stomach had been in knots and I was on the verge of vomiting when I noticed Nolan’s family walking up the stairs and into the stands. The stadium was packed to the brim with fans, but I had spotted them easily. They stood out like sore thumbs, not only because of their worn-down Wranglers and boots, but something about their presence felt like a warm hug.

It was a relief to have them beside me those nine innings. Nolan had played well, even gotten himself out of a bind in the third inning when the bases were loaded, managing to close it out with no runs scored.

“Don’t listen to him.” Wayne leaned against the locker room building, arms crossed over his chest as we waited for the team to finish up their after-game meeting. “Nolan loves the attention you give him. He looked like a peacock strutting out there.”

I smiled, not denying or agreeing with him. “Don’t worry, Brooks, you’ll find someone. There has to be at least one woman in the world who speaks caveman.”

I waited for him to shoot something back, but it was Levi, the youngest Graham, who said, “I told Dad if a girl ever likes Brooks again, we should tie her up in the basement so she can’t run away from him.”

Brooks and I shared a look, my lungs burning as I held in my laugh. At thirteen, Levi had entered the awkward gangly stage between child and teenager and sometimes said the most bizarre things. “Dammit, Levi,” Wayne whisper-hissed, “I told you to stop saying that. We are not tying anyone up in our basement, regardless of how desperate Brooks is.”

Brooks winked at Levi. “You’re the best brother I could ask for.”

“Don’t encourage him.” Wayne groaned, smacking Brooks in the head with his ball cap. “Levi, repeat after me: I will not tie anyone up in the basement.”

Brooks and I shared a laugh as Wayne made Levi repeat it three times, just in time for the team to start trickling out of the locker room. Their jerseys were maroon, and their pants were white, splotched with grass stains and red dirt. They wore grins, no doubt thrilled to have won their first weekend series. Nolan was no different, smiling wide. He’d pitched five innings before his coach relieved him with another pitcher, and there was no doubt in anyone’s mind he’d contributed to this win.

Well, except in one mind.

I waved to Nolan’s friend Dalton, congratulating him on the win as I lingered back, letting Nolan catch up with his dad and brothers. We hadn’t seen them since Christmas, and I knew he missed them. My insides throbbed, thoughts of my own family coming to mind. I’d invited them to the game—but my parents were busy with the diner, and Auburn was in Texas, wrapped up in her boyfriend, so I wasn’t surprised they hadn’t come. But I wished they had, wished they supported me as deeply as Nolan’s family did him.

Nolan turned to me, and I shoved those feelings away, reminding myself to be grateful Mom answered when I called now. I pressed up on my toes, slinging my arms around his neck, and said what I’d said after every game for years. “You sure you’re not wearing butt pads? Because no one’s ass should look that fine.”

It was meant to be lighthearted, a silent reminder I didn’t care about baseball—I cared about him. He held my gaze, and I could see the silent battle there.He was overanalyzing and criticizing himself for any minor error he might’ve made. But you wouldn’t have known it when he said, “I could say the same about you, peaches.”

He squeezed my ass, and I scrambled out of his hold with a laugh, aware we had an audience. We’d traumatized poor Levi enough when he’d hidden in Nolan’s closet once. He was ten at the time, and in a phase where he loved scaring people. Except it was him who screamed when he popped out and found his brother with his hands down my top. Somehow we’d convinced him he was counting my freckles, but their dad hadn’t bought it and had us keep the bedroom door wide open from then on.

“You did it—you pitched your first college game.” I grabbed his hand. “I’m so proud of you.” He didn’t respond, and I could feel quiet panic bubbling within me. Determined to keep him afloat, I set my disappointment aside and turned to his family instead. “I have to go to work soon, but you guys are coming over, right?”

“They can’t,” Nolan cut in and I shot him a glance, confused. I assumed by his brothers’ wary looks, they shared the same confusion. He forced a sheepish smile. “Sorry. It’s not that I don’t want you to, but you’ve got a drive ahead of you. Even if you leave now, you’re not getting home until after midnight. And Levi has school, and you have the shop to open—”

“I’m well aware, but thank you for reminding me of my schedule.” Wayne chuckled, his tone easy and laid-back. “But I wouldn’t mind staying and seeing Eugene again. Heard all about the eye patch you kids made your cat. You got time for a quick dinner before your shift, Indy? It’s been a while since we’ve been together as a family.”

“I’ve got time—”

“I’m tired,” Nolan pressed, ignoring me when I squeezed his hand. I understood his disappointment, but I didn’t want him to go home alone. “I’ve got a shit ton of homework to get done and an English test to prep for.”

“I can help you study,” Brooks offered. “You sometimes seem to forget it, but I’m not even an hour from you—I can stay as late as you need.”

He was right. While Wayne and Levi still lived in Wallowpine, Brooks didn’t. He was in the city too, wrapping up his bachelor’s degree at another local university. They’d hung out a few times, but I wasn’t surprised when Nolan shook his head. “I’m good. I’m going to get through it as fast as I can and then pass out.”

“Alright,” Wayne told him, and I swallowed thickly, not missing the way Levi’s shoulders sunk when he realized they were already going home. “I’m proud of you, Nolan. Win or lose. Give me a call if you change your mind, and we’ll drive back no matter the time.”

Nolan hugged the three of them goodbye, and after he promised Levi he’d play Minecraft with him soon, they started toward the parking lot. I waited until they were out of earshot before I said, “I can do your homework for you if you want to go with them.”

“No.”

His gaze wasn’t on me but the field. And for the first time, I thought I might resent it. “I know you’re beating yourself up, but your family loves you. That doesn’t change because you threw a few less-than-ideal pitches.”

“I walked five batters. Five, Indy.” He shook his head, his jaw tight. “I haven’t done that since junior high.”

“Everyone has bad games, and that’s not even what this was. You played amazing.” I felt my stomach twist as I tasted the words about to leave my mouth. “But if it’s going to affect you this way, then maybe we need to make some changes.”

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