Page 74 of The Light We Lost

It wasn’t an even trade, but I couldn’t pretend I even wanted to protest. Instead, I climbed out of bed and changed into the tank top and shorts I’d worn last night—freshly washed, courtesy of Nolan—before joining him in the kitchen and eating a hearty meal intended to cure hangovers.

But it didn’t stop the swelling guilt as I stood on his front porch, fighting an internal battle. I glanced through the screen door, debating if I should leave or not. Nolan was in the shower, and despite his help, I didn’t owe him a goodbye. And if I was being honest, it twisted my insides being here.

Not because of Nolan. No, it hurt to be inside his house.

The inside was well-kept and clean, no sign of dirty dishes or laundry stashed in the leather sectional. Before I’d stepped outside, I’d even spotted his Dad’s guitar against the fireplace. But despite the cleanliness, the vaulted ceilings and the ample number of bedrooms, I couldn’t forget when Nolan had confessed how empty it felt.

Remembering how Nolan had been there for me last night, even after I’d turned him down, I decided to stay. He deserved more than me sneaking away.

We deserved more than that.

I smiled as he stepped outside, hoping it masked the anxiety beneath my skin. His hair was slick from the shower, like he’d barely run a towel through it before tossing on a shirt and jeans. So much had changed between us, but one thing had remained the same.

Nolan Graham had the best ass.

Knowing he’d have no problem calling me out, I averted my gaze to the meadow and focused on what was keeping me from running for the hills. “I’m sorry about last night.”

“It’s not a big deal.” I could tell by his easy smile he meant it.

“It is to me.” Before I could chicken out, I continued, “We kissed. And then barely a day later, you had to babysit me in the bar and watch as I danced with other men. That’s not fair to you.” I shook my head, guilt still weighing on me. Nolan had told me he wanted me—no matter the time frame—and I’d pushed him away. “Our kiss, what you said to me . . . it scares me, Nolan. And I guess it scared me enough I was willing to do anything to get you out of my system. And to make things worse, I texted Levi and asked him to set me up with his friends. I was panicked, and I know I wouldn’t have gone through with it, but how awful is that!” I hid my face in my hands and groaned. “Obviously it doesn’t matter. Nothing I do works. There’s a reason I’m twenty-seven years old and the only man I’ve ever kissed is my high school boyfriend.”

He let out a low chuckle. “You and I have two very different opinions on how last night went.”

I peeked at him through my fingers. “I’m sure yours is much worse, considering the details are a little blurry to me.”

“Well, then, let me make it clear for you.” Nolan reached for my hand, lowering it from my face. “Last night was one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time. And it’s because I got to watch you justbe. You were happy, carefree. You were dancing. I loved watching you have fun. I couldn’t care less that you danced with other men, Indy. I’m confident enough to know you weren’t looking at them how you used to look at me, how I sometimes catch you looking at me now. And guess what? At the end of the night, youchoseto come home with me. You slept in my bed, and even better, I got to take care of you. And that’s a pretty big damn win for me.” My pulse raced at the deep sincerity in his eyes. “And just so you know, the only man you’ve ever kissed is technically your husband. And some people might say that’s kind of hot.”

I stared at him, at a loss for words. Nolan might be kind, but I knew he wasn’t telling me this for the sake of my feelings. Despite our flaws, we’d always tried to be straight with one another.

“I’ve only ever kissed you. And I don’t think that’s pathetic.”

I choked on a sound, a mixture between a laugh and a cry. “What kind of shit are you spewing?”

“What?” he asked, looking at me like he truly didn’t understand why I was confused. “I already told you I’ve only ever been with one woman. Why are you acting so surprised?”

I gawked at him. “I thought that was your lie.” Even if it wasn’t, I would’ve thought he’d at least kissed someone else.

He raised a brow. “Unless something changed and I wasn’t made aware—I don’t play major league baseball.”

No, he didn’t. But it had been easier to deem that a lie than dig into what that truth might mean. “I’ve heard stories about you,” I tried, remembering what Sam had said last night about women warming Nolan’s bed. I was positive he’d done it to be an ass, but there had to be some truth to it, right? “I might’ve been away, but my mom still called me. Told me how you were building quite a reputation with the out-of-towners.”

Nolan’s smile slipped, and I waited for triumph to wash over me. But it was grief, the same grief I’d felt when Mom revealed the only man I’d ever loved had moved on. I hadn’t wanted to know, was angry she’d told me. But it was for the best. Nolan deserved to move on, even if I couldn’t.

“I tried. I tried like hell to forget you, Indy.” He pursed his lips, gathering his thoughts. An impatient side of me wanted an explanation now, but I appreciated the intention he put in his words. “Those first years when we were separated, I didn’t touch or even think about another woman. It didn’t matter if we weren’t talking; I was still your husband. No matter how determined I was to destroy everything good in my life, I wasn’t willing to lose you entirely.”

It had been the same for me. In those years we were separated but legally married, I told myself I hadn’t moved on out of respect for my marriage. But in the end, when Nolan filed for divorce and I still couldn’t move forward, I’d blamed it on school, work.

It had been easier than accepting the truth.

“But after our divorce went through—or I thought it had—I tried to move on. Like you tried last night, I wanted you out of my system. So I tried dating again. I’d take girls out, show them a good time . . . but I could never take it further than that. And I knew it was because it wasn’t working. Every step I tookaway from you only made me feel emptier and want you more.” He avoided my gaze, but even if he was uncomfortable, he didn’t stop. “So instead of letting everyone see me as the pathetic bastard who was hung up on his ex-wife, I let them believe what they wanted to believe. I’d take out girls from out of town, ones I’d never see again and have to worry about spilling the truth. I’d flirt with them long enough for someone to see me, make sure they saw me leave the bar with them. But as soon as I was out that door and I’d accomplished what I intended to, I’d go home alone.” He let out a dry, empty laugh. “Apparently I did a damn good job, because I haven’t gone out with a woman since Dad died, but all anyone can focus on is how much I like to sleep around. I even fooled my brothers into believing it too.”

“Why’d you stop?” I asked, deciding that was easier to focus on. “Pretending to go out with other women, I mean?”

“I guess after I lost Dad, I was too caught up in that to worry about the town finding out I wasn’t over you.” He lifted his arms in a helpless shrug. “Now I’m too busy and too damn tired to try and keep up with that lie. It was exhausting.”

I nodded, accepting his response as truth. With anyone else, I would’ve believed they were lying, not wanting to admit how many women they’d been with. But Nolan? Him living a lie, painting a picture for those around him—that was far more believable than him sleeping around.

“That’s kind of . . . sad.”

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