Page 53 of The Light We Lost

“You know how when you go to bed, you’re certain the sun’s going to come up in the morning? Sometimes my mind feels the opposite of that. It feels like it’s never going to come up again.”

I’d do anything to take that feeling from him. Help him see the sun would rise again.

“I think we should call your dad . . . or at least talk to someone.”

Nolan turned to face me, nothing but devastation in his eyes. “You—you promised. You promised this would stay between us.”

I shuddered a sob, helpless. I was fifteen years old when I’d made that promise. When he’d admitted something he’d never shared with anyone, and I’d promised it would stay between us. I’d thought I’d done the right thing. But as time passed, and the more I understood the silent weight Nolan was bearing, saw how it seemed like some days it took everything in him to get out of bed, the more I doubted myself. As lost as he was, I was in over my head. What if I’d made matters worse by not getting help sooner?

I closed my eyes, willing the building moisture to leave. I could cry later when I was alone—not when Nolan needed me. But a tear slipped free when the mattress shifted and I opened my eyes, finding him beside me.

He cupped my jaw, his thumb catching the fallen tear. “I’m okay, Indy.” He wasn’t. I wasn’t. There was nothing wrong with that, but I didn’t know how to make him believe me. “I know you’re worried, but please trust me when I tell you I’m okay. I’ve accepted this is something I’ll have to live with . . . but if I can find a little relief, I’m going to take it. Especially if it gets us closer to the life we want. The risk is worth it.”

He was the life I wanted. I didn’t care if our life was spent in Wallowpine, baseball stadiums, or any part of the world. No life, no dream, was worth his pain. But how could I tell him it was time to move on and give up his childhood dream? He’d worked so hard.

“You could get hurt. Addicted. You could get kicked off the team if someone finds out,” I tried instead, my voice a rasp. “So much could go wrong. There are other options. It doesn’t have to be this.”

“I know my limits, Indy. I’m being careful.” His words did nothing to soothe my throbbing heart. “I promise I won’t start drinking more, and I’ll only do it when I’m home. And just the same, I won’t be driving. No one’s going to get hurt. This won’t be forever.”

I set my hand over his where it lay on my cheek. “I’m afraid you’re going to lose yourself.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“How can you be so sure? If you numb everything out, you won’t notice it’s gone—”

“Because I have you.” His forehead was against mine, the warmth of his voice inching down my nose. “You make up all the best parts of me, Indy. You.” He leaned back a breath and slipped his fingers into my hair, angling me so I had nowhere to look but at him, as though he needed me to see his fierce belief. “I could find you with my eyes closed, even with miles and mountains between us. I will never lose sight of you.”

I wanted to believe him, wanted to believe this path was leading us somewhere good. But I couldn’t see it, and for the first time in my life, that terrified me. Still, as I felt Nolan’s soothing hands in my hair, I knew I’d follow him anywhere.

I couldn’t let him go down this road alone.

His lips touched mine, and I welcomed the kiss easily. Our kiss was hard. Frantic. I gripped his shoulders desperately, as though to stop him from slipping away. His hands moved with equal fervor, quietly reminding me I was his. I let him lose himself in me, tasting the alcohol on his lips again and again. I’d give him everything if it kept him afloat.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Nolan—Now

“Winnie, don’t think I don’t see you,” Shay warned. “If you keep scootin’ your peas around your plate instead of eating them, I’m going to move you away from your uncle.”

Wren giggled beside me, apparently not buying her mama’s threat. Shay eyed me and the untouched pile of peas on my own plate. Groaning, I grabbed a spoonful and shoveled them into my mouth. “Mmm, delicious. You should try them.” I wiggled my brows at my niece. “Don’t worry, they’re safe. Your daddy made ’em—not your mama.”

“Haha,” Shay deadpanned. I waited for her to give me shit like she always did when we teased her about her cooking, but her attention was on her front door, where it had been most of the night.

“Jake’s not gonna make it tonight,” I told her. It was Shay and Brooks’s turn to host family dinner, and while they were weekly, it wasn’t unusual for one of us to miss. “Said he was headed to the top of the mountain to go fishing for a few days.”

“He called me on his way out this morning.” Brooks leaned over the table and gave his daughter a spoonful of taters and peas. “I was surprised you weren’t heading out with him.”

I shrugged. “I was just out of town. Figured I should stay and get some work done.”

“I don’t mind taking a few days off from work and running the shop if you want to go,” he offered.

I popped a piece of chicken in my mouth. “I’ve got no reason to leave town.”

He pressed his lips together, likely resisting the urge to say more. It wasn’t that he wanted me out of town—he was worried. It was what he did. But there was nothing to worry about. I was fine.

“What’s going on?” I asked once I finished my plate. I hadn’t missed the way Brooks and Shay whispered to one another, my brother telling her she’d done nothing wrong. They shared a glance, and I braced myself for whatever they might say, just as there was a knock on their front door.

Her chair screeching against the wood floor, Shay pushed away from the table and bolted to answer it alongside their dog, Cash. Brooks gave me a nervous look, watching me like he didn’t know how I’d react as Shay opened the door. “Hey, come on in. You’re just in time for dinner.”

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