Page 110 of The Light We Lost

I swallowed thickly, pretending it wasn’t disappointment in my gut as he walked toward the door. But he lingered, his hand on the doorknob. “Do you think . . . you could just forget everything I told you tonight? Pretend you never found me?”

His back was to me, but I could see the tension there. He was already closing up. It was why I said, “I can promise not to tell anyone, even promise to help make sure no one ever finds out. But I need something in return.”

He glanced over his shoulder, and I could’ve sworn there was amusement in his eyes. “What’s that?”

“Promise you’ll come to me.” My voice was quiet, and my heart pounded in my chest. “When your mind’s loud, or dark. Your heart’s racing and you’re thinking of reaching for a bottle. Promise you’ll come to me instead.”

His throat bobbed, and his silence told me I’d caught him off guard. It wasn’t until the red on his cheeks eased that he said, “Not that I’m opposed . . . but people might think we’re dating if they see us together.”

I snorted. Instead of telling himyou wish, I said, “We can meet where we did tonight.” I didn’t care if he hadn’t promised. I’d do my best to hold him to it. “At the aspen tree.”

“Okay.”

I smiled.

He smiled back.

My heart warmed once more, as though a tiny light flickered inside me. I carried it with me throughout the night, even through school and detention the next day. And as the sun set and I raced through the forest behind my house, I felt it grow.

Nolan leaned against the aspen tree, his hands tucked in his pockets. We were in the middle of a lush and full grove, and even though there were ribbons of pink and red painting the sky, seeing him waiting for me might’ve been my favorite sight. “I didn’t think you were coming.”

After coming to a stop, I put my hands on my knees, slowing my breaths. “I told you I would.”

He smirked. “I wasn’t sure if you’d ever be allowed to leave the house after pulling the fire alarm.”

I waved him off. “I thought I saw a fire—not sure why I’d be in trouble for that.”

He laughed, giving me a look like he knew I was full of it. But instead of asking if I’d pulled the fire alarm at school today as an attempt to get everyone to shut up about him for five minutes, he held out his hand. “I brought these for you.”

I grinned, snatching the little bag of Lucky Charms. “You know”—I popped a few marshmallows in my mouth—“if this is your way of saying thank you, I’ve got something way better in mind.”

His fingers grazed mine, stealing a few marshmallows before I could stop him. “Yeah? What’s that?”

“Have you ever seenDirty Dancing? There’s this lift I’m wanting to try, but I need a partner.”

Chapter Fifty-Five

Indy—Now

Nolan and I shared hushed breaths, the heat of his feathering onto my cheeks. I remained where I was on his lap, his frame firm and steady beneath me. I skated my fingers over his jaw, his stubble teasing my skin. The lights in the shed were dim, and the glow of the moon peering in from outside the window was enough to let me see the furrow between his brows. His eyes were heavy with doubt, like he truly didn’t understand how my finding him was the catalyst for me falling in love with him.

That night had changed our lives forever. When he’d suppressed and shoved himself down day after day, until it was too much. Everything burst to the surface, and he had a panic attack. It hadn’t been his first, but it was the first he hadn’t endured alone. By stubborn luck, or maybe an act of God, I’d stumbled upon him.

I hadn’t known what to do, but I stayed with him. Just as I did those remaining years of high school. When the pressure was too much and he felt hopeless, he’d come to me. I’d sit with him. Breathe with him. Distract him. We’d watch movies. I’d make him practice a dance with me. Show him my new hobby of the week. I’d go to his games. We’d play hide-and-seek.

Somewhere in the midst of that, we fell in love. He was the first person I thought of when I woke up, and the last when I fell asleep. He’d carry my booksto class and walk me home. His fingers would brush mine, and I’d wish he wouldn’t let go. His gaze would linger on my lips, so much I lost all patience one day and demanded he kiss me already. It was a hesitant and clumsy kiss—neither of us had kissed anyone before—but we found our way through it. As we always did. I might have been fifteen, far too young to grasp what was going on. But I knew more than anything that I was in love. Understood there was a deep bond between us, one that could survive the tests of time.

And it had.

His fingers stroked over my temple, sweeping my hair over my shoulder. “I never should’ve relied on you the way I did. It was too much for anyone, let alone a teenager. And I’m sorry.”

“We werebothteenagers.” I put my hand over his, holding it against my cheek. “Nolan, neither of us knew the severity of what was going on. I’m not sure I fully grasped how deep your depression was until we were already separated—and honestly, I don’t think you did either.”

I knew he hadn’t. Depression wasn’t talked about as openly when we were kids. If it had been, perhaps Nolan wouldn’t have questioned if something was wrong with him. Maybe he wouldn’t have lived in denial and hidden it out of shame. It wouldn’t have taken him until he was well into his twenties to seek help.

His throat bobbed. “I don’t want it to be how it was before.”

“It won’t be how it was before.” I felt that confidence in my bones. “As much as I love you, I promise I wouldn’t be staying if I didn’t think it was the best option for me. I have no interest in reliving the past. We are not the same people we were ten years ago. We’ve grown. We aren’t hiding. Everything we’ve done this past month has been for ourselves and each other. We aren’t living for anyone else.”

---