Page 108 of The Light We Lost

“Alright.” I started toward the door. “I’ll let everyone know you’re okay then—”

“Wait.”

I froze with my back to him, my stomach stirring with guilt. It felt wrong to push him like this; it was clear how uncomfortable it made him. But there was something in me, something I didn’t quite understand, that was clinging to the loneliness I’d seen in Nolan’s eyes. I doubted it was the first time he’d felt alone.

“Does your brain ever feel heavy?” His voice was throaty.

I sat on the edge of my bed, not understanding. “Like physically?”

He rested his head against the back of the chair, his gaze on the ceiling. “You know how when you go to bed, you’re certain the sun’s going to come up in the morning? Sometimes my mind feels the opposite of that. It feels like it’s never going to come up again. I don’t know why it does that . . . it just does. One dayI’m fine, and then the next I’m randomly sad. But it’s more than sadness, if that makes sense. My body hurts . . . sometimes I feel anxious. Like I can’t get my brain to shut off and I’m trapped.”

“Is that why you ran away?”

“I wasn’t trying to run away.” He huffed an empty laugh, scrubbing at his mouth with his hand. “Some days I’m better at acting like it’s not there. I can put on a smile and pretend I’m normal. But today it was too much, and I had to get away. I read somewhere online that drinking can be a relief, sort of help you turn it off for a while, so I figured I’d try that. I could only manage half a beer though—that shit’s disgusting. I doubt it was enough to help.”

I pressed my lips together, resisting the urge to tell him I didn’t think drinking would help—no matter how much he consumed. For the first time in my life, I didn’t immediately react. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I recognized how important it was that Nolan had trusted me with this, even if I’d wrangled it out of him. “What happened tonight, when you felt like you couldn’t breathe. Does that happen a lot?”

“Maybe every few months.”

“And your dad doesn’t know? About any of it?” He shook his head. Aware Nolan was probably two seconds away from telling me that was enough, I pressed, “Why?”

I wasn’t a saint—I kept secrets from my parents. If we hadn’t gotten infections, Auburn and I never would’ve told them we’d tried piercing each other’s belly buttons. But this was different.

This was Nolan’s life.

He must not have seen it that way, as he only lifted his shoulders. “Between the shop and my brothers, Dad’s got enough going on—he doesn’t need to worry about me too. I’d rather him count on me instead.”

I didn’t respond. Didn’t try to piece together some profound statement on how everything was going to be okay or that everyone had bad days. Maybe I didn’t fully understand what he felt, but I knew it was more than sadness, more than a bad day. And Nolan hadn’t told me because he wanted me to fix it. He’d told me because he wanted to stay.

I slid off the bed and knelt in front of my dresser, digging through my drawers. After finding the biggest sweats and T-shirt I had, I held them out to him. “I don’t know how great they’ll fit, but I’m sure it’s better than getting a rash on your butt.”

The corner of his mouth twitched. “Me and my ass thank you.”

I rolled my eyes, but I didn’t miss the gratitude in his before I plopped down face-first on the mattress, not wanting to watch him change. Nolan Graham was changing in my bedroom. My bedroom. What kind of alternate world had I fallen into?

After he swore he was fully dressed, and I’d gone downstairs and confirmed my parents were still gone, I locked my bedroom door behind me. My stomach twisted with guilt, knowing Nolan’s dad and brothers must be so worried. But at least he was inside, safe.

“I won’t stay much longer . . . at least not until I ransack your stash of cereal.” He smiled, and there was something about the dimple in his cheek that had my heart racing.

But after what he’d admitted to me, I found myself saying, “You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to smile for me.”

“You don’t like when I smile?”

I shook my head, my lips twitching with a grin. “No. Your smile is kind of ugly.”

He laughed, the sound full and abrupt, completely fooled by my dirty lie. His smile was beautiful. Even more when I noticed the crinkles beside his eyes, the freckles dotting his rosy cheeks. Maybe some of his smiles werereal.

“Well, I’d rather have an ugly smile than warts on my fingers,” he teased, and I raised a brow, confused. He raised one back. “I saw you put that toad in Bethany’s backpack.”

I snorted, not bothering to tell him that was a myth and toads didn’t give humans warts. “She deserved it. And after getting me grounded, she’s lucky if I don’t put one in her bag tomorrow.”

“You mind putting one in her bag for me?”

“What do you have against Bethany?” I asked, pretending I wasn’t relieved he likely wasn’t kissing her against trees like I’d originally thought.

“Nothing. But she likes to gossip, so I’m sure she’ll be having a heyday talking about me tomorrow.” We both fell silent, aware it didn’t matter how long Nolan hid here—he couldn’t hide forever. He groaned, dragging a hand down his face. “The whole town’s never going to shut up. I can hear ’em now, talking about how I wandered into the forest and got lost. It’s going to be as bad as when my mom left.”

This was the first time I’d ever heard him acknowledge his mom. I was seven—like him—when his mom left. Despite being so young, I remembered how the town talked about it endlessly, that she’d abandoned her sons to chase a more fulfilling life. If I’d heard it, Nolan had too, and I couldn’t imagine how that had affected him.

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