Page 74 of The Seemingly Impossible Love Life of Amanda Dean

“I want to be in my kid’s life, Mandy.”

“But what if it doesn’t happen? What if something happens and there is no baby? Then what? We’ll be married in Boston and then what?”

Theo didn’t let go of Mandy’s hand, but he did lean back on the couch. Maybe thinking about all the things that could go wrong and not how perfect it could all be if it went right. But what did things going right look like to Mandy? She was sure for Theo it was living near his parents and him working and coming home to his wife and child—but that was a perfect world for him, and Mandy knew those worlds didn’t just happen. You had to work for them. Was he ready for that? Was she? And was that really what she wanted? “I just want to do what’s right,” he said.

“I know.” She leaned back on the couch with him, and he pulled her into him.

Mandy couldn’t deny it was nice resting there against his chest. “Are you really ready to be a dad?”

“I don’t know.”

The nurse called another name. “Larissa Jeffries.”

Across the room, a girl who couldn’t have been any older than sixteen sat with a woman who looked to be her mom—the two had the same nose and chin even if their hair colors were different. And Mandy couldn’t help but wish her own mother were there. It had been nearly three weeks since she had found out she was pregnant, and she still hadn’t talked to her mother about it. What was Mandy so afraid of?

Mandy had only gotten up the nerve to tell one person.

“How do you feel?” Isa had asked when Mandy broke the news, and that’s all it took for Mandy to fall apart. She cried into the phone no less than ten straight minutes, not being able to utter a single word. Isa just listened. She didn’t coax or say anything ridiculous like“Don’t worry” or “It’s all going to be okay,”because how could Mandy not worry, and it felt like it would never be okay again.

“I’m not ready to be a mom.” It was the first time Mandy uttered those words out loud, even though they had been bouncing around in her head since the moment she found out. They were no more true that day than every moment before and since, but saying them released something inside Mandy she couldn’t explain. A heaviness that seemed to lighten just by telling her truth.

“And that’s okay. We can talk about your options whenever you’re ready.” Isa’s voice was so reassuring—she never made Mandy feel guilty or ashamed, and Isa never, never questioned Mandy about what she wanted.

It wasn’t that day, but they did speak at length about Mandy’s options, and today Mandy was seeing it through. As Mandy sat in the small waiting room of that clinic, surrounded by other people—some with full round bellies, some hoping to avoid the situation Mandy was in—she didn’t feel judged or regretful. No, she felt supported. They didn’t know why Mandy was there, just like Mandy didn’t know why they were, but they were all there together. They all had the common bond that they needed help, and they trusted the people at this clinic to give it to them—whether that be prenatal care, or birth control, or an abortion.

Mandy closed her eyes for a moment. Nerves ricocheted through her body, but not because she thought she could be making the wrong decision. She was confident it was the right choice for her. One day she would cry tears of joy, not tears of sorrow. One day she would gleefully give up her body to create another, but that time wasn’t now.

A breeze pushed in as the clinic door opened, fluttering the pages of the magazines on the table. Something told Mandy to glance up, but she almost couldn’t believe who was there.

Isa pulled the strap of her purse back over her shoulder, ithaving slipped down when she came in the door, and she scanned the room. A light smile graced her face when her gaze connected with Mandy’s, and a new sense of calm flooded over her.

“Don’t you have finals or something?” she asked Isa as she got to the seat next to Mandy and pulled her into a side hug. The topic of Isa being there that day had never come up. Mandy knew how stressful Isa’s school had been for her, and just being able to talk to Isa about it all was enough. Mandy had Isa’s support—even though it was thousands of miles away—and that was enough to buoy her.

“I’m exactly where I need to be.” Isa took Mandy’s hand and squeezed it.

Mandy nodded, and rested her head on Isa’s shoulder, inhaling the scent of Isa’s coconut shampoo.

Nausea rolled around in Mandy’sstomach as she slipped between the sheets of her own bed. Sick from the medicine she’d just been given, not from the decision she had followed through on. In that respect she felt relieved. Relieved and ready to puke. It was a strange combination.

“Just in case.” Isa brought the garbage can from the bathroom and set it next to Mandy’s bed like she knew exactly what Mandy was feeling—she always did.

“Thanks.”

Isa placed a hand on Mandy’s forehead. “You don’t have chills or anything, right?”

Mandy shook her head.

“That’s good.” Isa glanced around. This was the first time shehad been in Mandy’s apartment. Was she thinking it was the first time Mandy’s space didn’t look like the inside spread of a home decorating catalog? Or was she noticing that there weren’t any pictures of the two of them like there had been in her childhood bedroom? Or maybe she saw the photo of Mandy and Sophie at a pub in London, thinking how that should’ve been a picture of them. “I’ll let you rest.” Isa turned to leave, but Mandy grabbed her hand to stop her. Now that she was here, Mandy wasn’t ready for her to go.

“Stay with me. Please. I don’t want to be alone.” It wasn’t a lie. Although Mandy didn’t regret what she did, she wasn’t ready for the storm of emotions brewing inside her.

Isa was quiet, likely debating herself inside her head—weighing the pros and cons.

A cramp pulsated through Mandy’s abdomen, and she gritted her teeth, trying not to show the pain on her face. It might’ve been selfish of her to ask Isa to stay, but she didn’t want her to feel guilted into it.

“Just for a little while.” Isa’s voice was soft, and then she made her way around the footboard. The bed jostled as she lay on top of the covers.

Mandy carefully rolled over. “Thanks for being here today.”

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