Page 50 of Wicked Devotions

He gives me a warm smile and then closes the door behind me, shutting himself inside the pantry with Declan. I want to press my ear against the wood, but that’d be too obvious, especially with the way Banks is looking at me. His cobalt gaze sweeps over my face as if he can sense that something is off.

There’s an awkward moment as I sit down by Mom and both Banks and Declan go for the chair on my other side. After a momentary standoff, Declan concedes and sits next to his dad. Cillian makes polite conversation with Banks and Declan about sports and school while Mom and I catch up about her sister and my cousins.

At one point in the evening, Declan says something with his dry sarcasm, and Banks bursts out laughing. They have an almost friendly moment which feeds a seed of hope I didn’t realize was planted deep inside me. If those two can get along, maybe there’s a world in which I can have everything I want.

This is the type of thing I would have prayed about back when I believed. Now I don’t haveanywhere for my thoughts to go, there’s no funnel to pour them into before releasing them into the universe. There might not even be anyone listening.

Which is how I find myself sitting on a rock in the middle of the night watching the waves roll in. I have a blanket wrapped around my shoulders to help block the chilly breeze coming off the ocean. Goosebumps still cover my body though, as the cold Atlantic waters ebb and flow over my feet.

“What are you doing out here?” Banks asks as he sits down beside me.

“Thinking.” I look over at him and smile. “I missed you.”

His eyes water as he looks at me. “I’ve been so scared that I was going to lose you.”

I lean over and wrap my arms around him. “I’m sorry. I just needed time to figure things out. I still need time, but I love you and I want you in my life.”

“Thank God. I love you, too.” He chuckles. “I love you so much that I actually tried to watch porn, just to see if it would do something for me.”

“And?”

“It did about as much as watching an animal documentary on the Discovery channel does. Which is to say absolutely nothing, aside from making me moderately queasy.”

“How does this work then? Like between us? Does all physical contact stop?”

“No. I still want to hold your hand and hug you. Cuddling is even good. I’d go upstairs and sleep beside you all night right now if you let me.”

“Sitting at your feet and resting my head in your lap?”

“Yes, please, don’t ever stop doing that.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yes.” I wrap my arms around him. “We’re going to make this work.”

He hugs me back, pulling me closer so we can share the blanket.

“I do need to tell you something, though,” I say. If we’re going to make something like this work, I need to be fully transparent with him. That includes talking about who I have been intimate with.

“I’m all ears.”

“I kind of hooked up with Cyrus this week. And Declan today.”

I feel him stiffen with the news. I don’t blame him. I went from no experience to two in less than a week. “Was it consensual?”

“Yes.”

“That’s all that matters to me. That you’retreated the best you can be. You deserve nothing less.”

A newfound comfort and ease settles around us. Knowing that I will always have him, even if that looks different than I envisioned, lets me breathe. I would do anything for Banks, and I know he would do the same.

“Declan and Cyrus both know about you. Cyrus had too many questions, and I needed to talk to someone about everything.”

“I get that. I’m not mad about either of them knowing.”

“Well Declan pushed and pushed until I finally told him.”

---