Page 63 of Promise You Forever

A mental image of a tiny version of her in pigtails with a missing tooth saying those words with the same attitude fills my mind. It hits me so hard I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. The drive to reproduce isn’t something I’ve ever felt strongly. Picturing a life with her that includes children is so easy to see, though.

“What is that look?” she asks as she stands.

“Nothing.” I’m not telling her those thoughts right now. I think she wants kids, but I don’t want to scare her by moving too soon. “Are you going to come with me?”

“I want to check on the goats. Make sure they’re good.”

“Okay, take one of the radios in case you need something.” I hand her a handset and show her which buttons to press after I make sure the channels are set correctly.

The goats are the closest to the house, which makes me feel better about her going over there on her own. I also can’t imagine they need anything unless their water is frozen, which she’ll be able to take care of with the handle of the rake we keep in the goat shed.

I, on the other hand, have a long walk to get to the barn where we keep all the tractors. It’s fine, my fault for not thinking to bring a can of fuel up to the house in case the generator ran out. A new generator should go on my list of spring projects, the one Paul has is nearly obsolete at this point.

I decide to poke my head in to check on the sheep and dogs, which are all doing just fine. Then I check in on the horses, which are also doing good, aside from starting to go stir crazy. Maybe I’ll turn them out one by one in the arena after I get everything plowed today.

Eli is back at the house before me and adding more logs to the fire while Charlie gnaws on a bone. Her eyes light up when I walk in the room and flick the light switch on, illuminating the space with warm overhead lighting. I’d die a happy man if she looked at me like that for the rest of her life.

“You did it,” she says as her arms wrap around my waist.

“It wasn’t a challenge.” I hug her back. “How were the goats?”

“Fine. I had to bust the ice over their water though. Was it like that for any other animals?”

“No. The horses have heated waterers. The sheep and pigs have a floating ball that moves around and keeps the water from freezing unless it gets bitterly cold.”

“We should get something like that for the goats.”

“I’ll add it to my list.”

“What list?”

“The list of things that I need to do this spring.”

“Are you going to plow?”

“Yes. What are you going to do?”

“I need to get online and do some work, and then I think I’m going to try going through Gram’s stuff in the bedroom.”

“Do you want any help? We can do it after I’m done.”

“No, I actually think I’d rather do it on my own.” She smiles sadly. “In case I need to cry or something.”

“I respect that, but I want you to know your tears are safe with me.”

She covers her eyes and shakes her head slightly. “The things you say, Luke.” She drags her fingers down her face and looks up at me. “I don’t know what to say to that.”

“You don’t have to say anything. It’s just the truth.”

I don’t want her to feel like she owes me anything. She doesn’t. I just want her to know that I’m here for her, in whatever way she’ll allow me to be. Her hesitancy to let me see her at vulnerable times makes me realize that even as our physical relationship blooms again there’s more work to be done emotionally.

There’s nothing I can do to try harder. Being a steady source of comfort and a shoulder to lean on is all I can do until she feels safe enough to let me back in. Maybe I need to be more vulnerable with her. But I don’t want my love for her to feel like some sort of manipulation tactic.

I watch as she grabs a blanket off of the couch and slips out of the room. For as many strides forward as we’ve made, we still have so far to go. I call out to let her know I’m going to take Charlie with me and head out to start working. At least I’ll have something to keep my mind occupied and off the woman I love being so close but still so far.

Twenty-Five

ELI

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