Page 60 of Promise You Forever

“I had been digging through one of the closets in the cabin where gift boxes and bags were all shoved in a corner. As I was rifling through things, I knocked over a box of mementos that Amy had kept from our budding romance as kids all the way up to the letters we wrote each other on our wedding day.”

He switches his attention to my other foot while I remain silent, giving him time to collect his thoughts.

“It just hit me at the moment. She was a couple months shy of her twenty-first, and here I was, falling in love with a woman the same age that she was when she died. The guilt knocked me to my knees and the pain made me physically sick. When I looked over, her wedding dress was right there, hanging in my face. I just lost my mind.”

I curl my lips inward, pressing them together so firmly it’s almost painful as I try not to cry for him. I don’t know how mytears would make him feel. The need to be strong for him is powerful.

“I slept curled in the fetal position on the closet floor that night. I had never felt that low, thought it was rock bottom. But then the following day happened and what I said to you. What I did to you.” His eyes well with unshed tears. “That was my rock bottom. I used my pain like a sledgehammer to your heart. It was the worst thing I’ve ever done.”

A tear rolls down my cheek at the first sight of one on his. He makes no move to wipe them away, accepting them just as he accepts accountability. What he did was awful, but I can’t listen to him and hold onto anger and pain. I have to let it go for both of us.

“I forgive you.”

He reaches across the water and pulls me onto his lap. I wrap my arms around him while his shoulders shake with silent sobs. For a few minutes we just hold each other and try to pull ourselves together. Eventually he releases me and moves back to the other side of the tub so we can keep talking.

“Do you have any questions? I’m an open book now. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

“Will you just tell me about her? About you two together?” Insight into their relationship might make things clearer for me, too.

“Sure.” He smiles softly. “She was the opposite of me, wild and free spirited is how everyone would describe her. She loved skiing more than anything, including me. I’ve never told anyone this, but she had come home from work the week before all excited about one of the other ski patrollers telling her about how he’d travel to South America to work the winter season down there. He had convinced her to apply for a position with him.”

“What about you? Would you have gone?”

“No. I wouldn’t have had anything to do down there. Plus, leaving the ranch wasn’t something I was interested in. We had a really big fight about it.”

“It wouldn’t have mattered though, right? I mean she was pregnant.”

“We didn’t know yet.” He shifts, sending tiny ripples across the water. “We wanted kids but weren’t trying or anything. Now with the hindsight that comes with maturity, I hate to say it, but I’m not sure we would have lasted.”

“Really?”

He nods, clenching his jaw before continuing. “Our relationship began with middle school puppy love and evolved to teenage lust and obsession. We were all we knew. As she met more people who fed her wanderlust with stories of foreign slopes a wedge started to grow between us. I think she would have ended up resenting me.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that you loved her fiercely, and I’m sure she felt the same exact way.”

“Without a doubt, we loved each other. It was in the way you love something that gives you comfort, like a blanket or stuffed animal from your childhood. But I didn’t love her in the way that made me want to be a better person. It wasn’t the kind of love where you feel like you’re suffocating without the other person.”

Blood roars in my ears at the intensity in his eyes as he looks at me.

“I know what that love is.”

Just as I open my mouth to respond, the power goes out. Dim, gray light filters through the small window but otherwise the room is in total darkness. I hear the sound of Charlie’s paws on the hardwood outside the bathroom door.

“Fuck.” He stands and grabs a towel. “I’ll get dressed and check the generator.”

“I’ll get out and find some candles just in case.”

He’s already walking through the door with the towel knotted around his waist. “Does your phone have a charge? I’ll need to use the flashlight to see why the generator didn’t flip on.”

“Yeah, I can use my phone for a flashlight.”

Surely Grams and Gramps had a plethora of flashlights and lanterns around here. It just comes down to finding where they put them all. I know there are a ton of candles in the cabinets above the washer and dryer.

That’s the first place I go as soon as I’m dry and layered up. The chill is already setting in without the heater. A few more logs on the fire should help, though. Charlie follows along right beside me. She’s always been a little nervous about being in the dark.

I grab a basket and load it up with pillar candles. We’ll want to have enough for the living room and kitchen so we can at least eat dinner. I find a box of matches in the junk drawer in the kitchen. That thing is a goldmine, anything you need could probably be found within its confines.

Charlie takes off barking when the mudroom door opens and closes. I hear the laughter in Luke’s voice as he comes into the kitchen with her on his heels. He has snow in his hair and some flakes still on his lashes.

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