Page 105 of A Song of Ash and Moonlight

“And then there was the midsummer ball, and the chimaera attack in the Citadel, and fighting Kilraith in the Old Country. It all happened so quickly, and suddenly we were part of each other’s lives in a way I’d never imagined. We were even becoming friends. And then…gods…”

His voice fractured. He looked away, dragged a hand across his mouth. Even in my anger, my heart ached for him; he was desolate, hopeless.

“I fell in love with you,” he said quietly. He looked up at me, his eyes blazing and bright. “Iamin love with you. In truth, I think I’ve loved you for years, ever since I first heard you sing, even before I dared to say it out loud. And every moment I’ve been with you these past few months has been a happiness I’ve never known, a dream become real, a peace I’ve never dared to imagine for myself. And I’ve been godsdamnedterrifiedto lose it, to loseyou. Ankaret is right. I have been a coward.”

His gaze flicked to her, then back to me. “But I have not for a single momenteverthought you a fool. Not for even a fleeting second have I felt proud or smug or pleased with myself for keeping this secret from you.I’vebeen the fool, too in love with you to think straight. Too afraid to lose you to do the right thing. You’re right, I should have told you that very first day when we started training together. I should have told you, and I’m sorry I didn’t. I’m so sorry, Farrin. If I could go back and do it over again, I would.”

I did believe he was sorry. I’d never seen such raw devastation on his face, such miserable, biting shame. But no matter how insistently the rational part of my mind warned me to take a breath, to put space between us until my shock had faded, I couldn’t think of anything but how angry I was, how humiliated. I’d been lovestruck, lovesick, distracted by my anger at Father and my unending collection of worries.

And then, as if flung at me like a spear from a merciless attacker, the night we’d spent together at the inn in Vallenvoren came roaring back to me, bathed in a new, garish light. One of the most beautiful nights I’d ever known, and now my stomach turned to think of it.

“But can you be sure of what you’re saying?” I whispered. “You say you’ve loved me for years, ever since you first heard me sing.”Saying it aloud felt as if someone had clamped their fingers around my throat. “How can you know that you truly loveme, then, and not just my music? How can you know that you’re not like everyone else? And how can Ieverbelieve that you’re not just trying to worm your way inside my heart so you can keep my music close to you, like a hoarder of treasure?”

Ryder opened his mouth to speak, but I hurried on before he could. “That night in Vallenvoren,” I said, “when you touched me, and then I sang to you. I gave that song to you out of love, and I convinced myself that doing so was a triumph. I wasn’t brave enough to let you fuck me, but I’d sing to you, and that was something no other woman could give you.”

Looking back at the moment made me feel unclean, as if I’d given away a part of myself under false pretenses. I drew in a ragged breath, dashed a hand across my face.

“Maybe that’s what you wanted all along,” I whispered. “My music. Maybe that’s what you’ve really wanted ever since you heard me sing all those years ago. And you took me to bedhopingI’d freeze with nerves, hoping I’d feel guilty and embarrassed and sing for you instead.”

The words were awful, cruel, and even as I uttered them I didn’t believe them. It was my fear talking; it was the ecstatic mob from that long-ago concert ripping me to pieces. Ryder wasn’t like that; Ryder thought I was brave, that I was strong, a devoted sister, a patient daughter. I was so much more to him than a pretty voice. At the tournament, he’d been a victim of Gemma and Talan’s scheming. He would never hurt me,never.

But I was lost in the mire of my dread, all the worst things I’d ever thought about myself bubbling up to drown me. The words had been said, and I couldn’t find the strength to take them back.

It was as though I’d struck him. He slumped a little, his eyes brightwith tears, and then he came toward me, his hands out, beseeching. “Farrin, I swear to you—”

Quickly I stepped away. “I trusted you. Iexposedmyself to you. And for what?” I put a hand to my throat; I felt like I would be sick. “So I could follow you around for the rest of my days, oblivious, like putty in your hands?” I spat the words. Anger was my only defense, my last gulp of air. “You love my power. It’s had its hooks in you since the day you first heard me sing. And that’s what you love, not me. Notme.”

I turned away from him before he could reply, my whole body burning with tears I fought to contain, and went to Ankaret. As I looked up at her unreadable face, her overwhelming heat licked at my fingertips, but I was too furious to be afraid.

“Where is Moonhollow?” I demanded. “He told me the truth, as you requested. Now give us the information we need. Or are you as much a liar as he is?”

Ankaret’s flames were a subdued yellow glow, her eyes wide and pale. “All the storms that now live belong to him,” she said quietly. “Follow them to the place where they are born, and you will find his city.”

Another riddle. I couldn’t even find the will to be angry at her for that, and anyway, her answer seemed genuine. This was the best she could do. I simply nodded, her words held tight in my mind, and left both her and Ryder. Each step away from him was like tearing off a piece of my own skin, but I pushed onward, my chest aching, and neither of them came after me. I was glad; I wasgrateful. I headed straight into the woods, toward the distant greenway to the hidden lagoon.

It was dark at Ivyhill, the smell of rain in the air. The sky teemed with the same rumbling storm clouds that had churned in the north. I couldn’t bring myself to care. I walked in a daze, drenched and shivering, so lost in my own unhappiness that I didn’t see the raven flying toward me until he was right in my face, flapping wildly.

I jumped back with a yelp, and the poor thing fell to the ground. He had expended the last of his energy flying toward me, and when I realized what I was seeing—one of Ryder’s wilded ravens; ithadto be—I knelt and lifted him carefully. His tiny heart pounded hard and fast, and one of his wings was broken. How he’d managed to fly at all, I didn’t know. Winded as he clearly was, he still flapped out of my hands and then away toward the hedge maze—half flying with one wing, half hopping on tired legs.

I followed him into the maze, readying myself for whatever I would find. The raven was most likely Ryder’s, but it also could have been a trap. I forced my breathing even, tried to slow my racing heart; if I was going to sing for defense, I needed calm, I needed air.

But singing wasn’t necessary, because now I saw what the raven was leading me to. He hopped toward a heap on the ground, clicking with his great curved beak, letting out strange rasping cries that sounded eerily like the wordhelp.

The heap groaned, struggling to turn over, and a beautiful pale face came into view, framed by dark hair. His neck and arm gleamed black with blood.

My stomach dropped.Talan.

I hurried to crouch on the ground beside him, the raven hopping pitifully at my elbow.Help, help.

“Talan, hold still.” When I touched his coat, my hands came away wet. “Oh gods. What happened? Please, don’t move. I’ll get Gemma, Madam Moreen.”

But before I could rise, he caught my arm, holding me back. In the dim light, the tendons in his neck strained with the awful effort it cost him to stay conscious The crown’s scars glittered faintly on his forehead.

“I found it,” he whispered, a small smile playing on his lips. “I found Moonhollow.”

Chapter 22

I ran to the house, woke Gemma, and quickly told her what I’d found. If she wondered why I’d been walking about the grounds in the middle of the night, she didn’t ask. She ran at once to fetch Gilroy and Madam Moreen.

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