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Fine. See you tomorrow.

I hate the part of me that feels butterflies float up at the prospect of seeing Marshall again. I’ve spent all this time trying to isolate myself and re-acclimate myself to being alone, and the reminder of how much I want him, need him, is brutal and devastating to my ego.

Even worse, the knowledge is evidently precisely what I need in order to fall asleep.

Chapter 22

Elsie

June 12 — 23 Weeks 5 Days, Grapefruit

All day, my stomach has been in knots, waiting for this call with Marshall, so much so that it reminds me of my days of morning sickness.

By the time 7:30 p.m. rolls around, I’m already sitting at my desk in front of my computer with the video call active, waiting for Marshall to join.

The minutes tick by, and I feel like I’m going to be sick.

When the standby screen finally changes, I’m suddenly looking at a clearly exhausted Marshall.

“Hey.” He says, his smile reaching his eyes.

“Hey,” I say, letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

Things quickly turn awkward, but Marshall saves me by asking about the baby, and I give him all the little updates from the past 12 days that he’s been gone.

“Sounds like the baby’s going to have quite the personality.” He chuckles before growing quiet. “Elsie...”

“Yeah?” I ask when he doesn’t continue.

“Elsie. What happened? How are you? Really.” He asks, his eyes full of concern. “I’ve been really fucking worried, Elsie.”

“It’s nothing,” I say.

“No. It isn’t nothing if it sends you into a spiral like this and has you isolating from everyone.” He says sternly, almost like he’s scolding me.

But then his expression turns back to the gentle, kind man I know.

“You can tell me.” He says softly.

I bite my lip, considering how deep into things I should go.

“My father’s an asshole.” I start. “He wasn’t physically abusive or anything, but there was a lot of other... stuff.”

He nods encouragingly.

“He wasn’t a great parent. He was head of the household for sure, but not any kind of guardian or role model for me.” I start to get lost in the memories once more but pull myself back. “He treated me fine for the most part. Like, I had a happy childhood. I went to camps and played in tennis tournaments at the country club. The nannies who took care of me when he was gone were kind. There are happy memories there, but he only seemed to be present when he needed to take me places with him, fancy events, and stuff. To be seen as a family man.”

Marshall’s face is bright with his smile as I recount the better times of my childhood, but there is also concern in his eyes.

“But there was other stuff that wasn’t so great, like him not being there for those tournaments and school events.” I shrug. “Our relationship got so toxic that I’m now no-contact with him. So, when I saw something while we were at brunch, it triggered those less happy memories and feelings. I was...”

“Scared.” He offers when I don’t continue, but I scowl at him.

“Not scared. I’m not scared.” I protest. “I just couldn’t handle it. With everything going on,” I glance down and place my hands on my round belly. “It was just too much. And you’re not here. So, there wasn’t anything you could have done anyway. I was handling it to the best of my ability.”

“But you still weren’t handling it well.” He points out. “You tried to do that alone, and it didn’t work. So, what can I do to help? How can I fix this?”

“You can’t. It just is, Marshall.” I sigh.

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