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It’s him.

Marshall.

He’s the one I want here right now.

I want his comfort and reassurance.

I need him to tell me everything is going to be okay.

But he’s not here.

And even as I’m surrounded by people I logically know love me, I still feel alone.

Because, ultimately, that’s what we all are.

On our own.

I need to get used to that.

Again.

Chapter 21

Elsie

June 2 — 22 Weeks 2 Days, Papaya

When Marshall is away, we pretty exclusively communicate through email. It’s the easiest way for us to keep up with each other. Unfortunately, the cell signal isn’t good enough out where he is in the Gulf for phone or video calls.

We aren’t able to go back and forth every day, but we respond to each other within 24 hours most of the time.

Only, I can’t bring myself to physically pick up my phone right now, much less respond to an email.

Seeing my father on TV triggered the release of all the memories and feelings associated with him. All of the emptiness, loneliness, neglect, and abuse rushed to the forefront of my mind. And since then, I’ve just been numbly going through my days.

I’m sure Gunnar or Selene told Marshall about what happened, but despite how desperately I want his comfort, I can’t bare to bring myself to tell him everything.

I can’t do it because I’d break down. There’s no chance of getting around it.

And if I’m going to break down, then I want him here.

In general, I want him here, in our home, with me.

Every day that passes while he’s away has my chest aching for him to return.

The longing I felt for him while laying in bed being comforted by my friends has only compounded with each hour that’s passed.

It feels crushing.

I’m sitting in the kitchen, trying to choke down some fruit, when my phone buzzes on the counter where it’s remained plugged in for the past few days.

I know it’s him that he’s reaching out again.

But this time, I resist the urge to retreat back to my bed and walk over to grab my phone and face the music.

June 2 — 22 Weeks 2 Days, Papaya

E,

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