Page 44 of Used

Everything is good here. Boring, but good. Rig work is long and hard, but I like the physicality of it. It’s hard to explain.

Oliver sent me an email asking about my schedule when I’m back but wouldn’t tell me why. Are you planning something?

I would love to see your face. Let me know if we can do a call.

M

P.S. 23 days.

April 6 — 14 Weeks, Nectarine

E,

Our baby girl is the size of a nectarine today. How are you feeling?

I hope everything’s okay. You’ve got me a little worried out here.

Just an email back would be great if you’re too busy for a call.

M

P.S. 22 days.

April 7 — 14 Weeks 1 Day, Nectarine

Gunnar,

Elsie hasn’t answered a single email I’ve sent her since I left, which is weird considering how attached she is to her email.

Can you or Selene stop by and check on her? I’m starting to worry.

Thanks,

M

April 8 — 14 Weeks 2 Days, Nectarine

Every time my phone buzzes with another email, I jump.

I know I should respond to the messages from Marshall, but I can’t bring myself to reply.

I open them, read them, and immediately delete them.

They just bring up too many memories.

A single postcard mailed from a foreign country while my father was on a business trip for weeks back when he was just a regular attorney.

Phone calls mere minutes before my school activities, letting me know my father’s flight got delayed or he was stuck in traffic coming back from Austin and he wasn’t going to make it in time.

The box of pre-signed birthday cards I found when I was a teen because my father could never make it home for my birthday for this reason or another.

Flowers and gross boxes of chocolates meant it was one of my graduations from high school, college, and my master’s program.

Emails with links to articles about my achievements with notes about what I should work on next.

My father was never a parent to me—and this is the one thing I am determined to change. He never knew how to show up. He just never could.

He provided for me, but that’s not the same as parenting me. My nannies, sitters, and tutors did that for him.

---